When Success is the Only Option

It may not be a surprise to you—the reader—when I say my unrelenting passion is writing. But for many in my life it’s a hidden secret, or an under played hobby of mine. This passion is scary, terrifying, horrifying—because if I fail, I’ll lose the piece that’s always held my heart together.

As a child I created books out of the extra dot matrix paper not already fed into my mother’s printer. The words I wrote down always took longer than the illustrations I tried to piece together in afterthought. I’d create, write, read, share. Back then there was nothing terrifying about showing the world my work, because at a young age I had no fear of rejection, no concern for being mortified by feedback that what I’d done was less than perfect.

Growing up changed that. I think the first momentous event that led me down the path of a non-writing career was being told journalism and photography rarely pay. I was encouraged to find a job that would offer gainful employment and create a stable foundation to develop my life. Of course, instead of hearing those suggestions for what they were—a foundation—I took it as a sudden need to forget about writing. At least in the public eye.

So, my writing became closeted. I found enjoyment in drafting emails, creating letters that would go to customers, writing instructions, journaling my emotions. Whatever the writing was, it was an outlet to do the thing I thought I shouldn’t. Then I moved into the healthcare profession and went back to school. Papers for science degrees are traditionally short, concise, specific. Mine were lengthy, wordy, and frowned on by my nursing instructors.

And despite trying to enjoy the writing I was called on to do as a secondary means of communication, I simply couldn’t. I’d pull up Word documents and try to write a novel at least a few times a year. I was even afraid to tell my husband what I was doing at first. But eventually I shared my dream of writing novels with him, and he never judged or belittled, he only supported and uplifted. My husband is a rockstar supporter and believes in my dreams more than I do at times.

When our second child was born, and I was looking for a way to channel all my emotions of parenting and balancing work/life/and the beginning of my master’s program. So naturally, I started researching blogging platforms and what makes a great blog. When I opened my account and began writing I had no intentions of sharing my posts with people I knew. I wanted to remain anonymous.

This decision to start writing The Parenting Roller-Coaster is what put me on a trajectory of accepting those inner desires. Slowly I began to share, then share more. And eventually, I was out of hiding and willing to express my love of writing with all. For many the extent of writing I do is seen solely as blogging. For many it is still unclear the extent of my writing passion, because I’m horrified of the idea of someone I know judging my writing or criticizing my use of time.

But here’s the truth—I’m scared of failing in front of others. If I tell people I’m a writer, that I’ve written a novel and have multiple others started, and I don’t get published, I will have failed. And to this extent the failure isn’t from rejection of others, but rejection of my dreams becoming reality.

Don’t get me wrong, I am an avid failure. Failing is a daily way of life for me because it helps in growth. Without failure there cannot be success. If anyone tells me they are afraid of failing, I’ll tell them to get over it. Failure is necessary, and important, and everything we need to experience.

But failure in the eyes of the people we care about is a terrifying thought. I want to fail silently, invisibly. I don’t want people to know I fail every day. I don’t want people to know about the countless rejections I’ve experienced, or the feedback that is nothing less than hurtful and degrading. I only want them to see my success. Once I’ve succeeded, I’ll be comfortable telling them of my failures. That, I’m sure of.

So why am I here now? Sharing my dream—the thing that drives me? Why should I share all of this when I’m so incredibly scared of letting those I know in on my secret of writing? Because I can’t do this on my own. Because I want this more than anything in the world, and I’ve become obsessed with the idea of failing until I succeed. I’ve proven to myself that I won’t give up once I hit a certain number of failures. I won’t give up, because it’s the thing that drives me, the thing that brings me so much joy and self-accomplishment, and the thing I think about all the time.

I’m determined to be a full-time writer. Seriously, ask my husband and my kids. I already am. I put in forty hours of work as a nurse, then I jump into writing during my off hours. I’m constantly learning, daydreaming, creating, writing, editing. I essentially work two full-time jobs, and my household deals with it. No, not just deals with it, but supports it. They want to see my dreams come true because they know how much it means to me.

If I could monetize writing, make it a way to earn my living, I’d be in heaven. I know eventually this will happen too, but I’m dying for it to happen right now.

So, I suppose now we pose the question about why I’d want to be paid for writing if I’m going to do it regardless for the rest of my life. Simply put—my family. Those people I told you about that put up with my writing shenanigans, those sitting there rooting me on to make my dreams come true, they deserve more of me. Working full time and writing in all my spare time is exhausting for a husband and three children under seven. They want to have more of me. And I want to spend more time with them while also living my dream.

There simply is no settling. We are in this together. But I’m so ready to make it better for all involved. To be less of a fragmented mom, and more of a dedicated mom and writer.

And, as I’m also a teacher at heart. I can’t wait to help other writers coming into this journey, ready to learn about the world of writing they can no longer avoid because their dreams are begging to be lived. I want to mentor and encourage others. I want to have time to read more and offer feedback as a beta and a critique partner. I want to give as much as I can and learn and grow and be a part of the writing community in its entirety.

Writing—it’s my passion. It’s a way of life. It’s a way to express everything people should know about me and about themselves. I’m proud to be a writer, I’m ready to share my passion with the world, and I can’t wait to see what’s next.