When Positive Thinking Doesn’t Help

Earlier this year my partner, our son, and I all moved to Santa Barbara from Oregon. People are always there, but for us it was a big step.

My colleague had a new exciting dream job, and we longed to experience the sunshine of California. But our son was only six months old, and we left both our family and all our friends. In addition, I was abandoning my successful private practice in Chinese Medicine to become a stay-at-home mom.

I knew it was going to be hard, but I was determined to turn this into a new good opportunity for me. It was an opportunity to renew my commitment to the blog, maybe work on that book I was talking about in writing, maybe start a training practice?

We arrived in January, happy to enjoy the clear sky and inclement weather, while our friends and family wept over the rain. We both started cleaning, determined to start the New Year in a good start. We walked a long way, took our son and walked around.

My colleague went to work, and I was determined to dive into rebuilding my business. All I needed was determination, the right attitude, and everything was going to flow my way, right?

Friends would call me and ask how I was: "SO MUCH!" I replied, determined to keep a smile on my face. But it wasn't good. Nothing worked. In the few minutes of rest I had between chasing a six-month-old baby, I would try to write. But I was trapped and could not figure out why.

I even hired a health coach, thinking that all I needed was someone to point me in the right direction. The first thing he said was "You're back in the first scene, it's not time to make plans." I broke down in tears.

He explained how I should use the time to worry about my past life. I should have mourned the loss of my job, my identity, my friends, my family, and even the loss of my favorite store if that were taken away.

No wonder it didn't work! I was so determined to think positively about my new change I didn't even give myself time to grieve.

It was as if I had not even entered my new home; I was just walking about a foot down the pit “all is well,” when in fact, I was wrong; I was sad.

I took his advice and it made a difference. Here's what I've learned about how good thinking can slow you down:

Feel your emotions; just don't attach a description to them.

I was too scared to feel sad because I thought I would stop myself from having a good experience. The plan made me feel miserable without sticking to the issue. Such as, "I'll never make friends" or "I'll never be able to start my own practice." It was bad news that didn’t help, not my feelings.

Emotions are just like the weather; they cannot be controlled and are constantly changing. I found that if I just let myself be sad, it would go away very quickly.

Take the time you need.

Soon after this sighting I took my time alone. I stopped blogging, I stopped planning, I stopped putting so much pressure on myself, and I stopped feeling sad. I cried. I am lying where my son is.

Being organized and busy was just one way to avoid feeling overwhelmed. I needed time to turn inwards, not stretch outwards.

Even in grief there is room for gratitude.

This was difficult because I wanted to blame my unhappiness in our new home. But despite my best efforts, the beauty and charm of our new home overwhelmed me.

While giving myself time to be alone, I made sure to be thankful that we had come to such a wonderful place. Having something to be grateful for helped me a lot to keep my head above water.

The dream time will come again.

At one point I thought it wasn’t going to change, but then it happened. Gradually, I began to enjoy life here. I stopped feeling like I was missing something too much. With that change came new friendships, new business opportunities, and even a renewed sense of humor and self-sacrifice in my relationship.

This was the magic I was looking for; it should have come from a place of true, fundamental happiness, not an empty hope that I think I should deceive.

There is nothing wrong with trying to maintain a positive attitude, but we will not end up losing your true feelings.

By allowing yourself to be present with the most difficult emotions you can start to go through and create space for new experiences. True happiness comes only from having good thoughts in your head and real happiness in your heart.