What I’ve Learned Along the Way

“Do not deprive me of my age. I have earned it.” — May Sarton

I turned 54 this year, so I’ve been on this big round (ish) ball for a while now. It’s said that age comes with wisdom, but I’m not sure if that’s true. Wise denotes someone with a deep understanding, keen discernment, and sound judgment, categories I have trouble fitting. Often I’ve done the best I could; often, I didn’t.

Work has been a part of my life since I was 14 — a 40-year career of various jobs and titles across every industry you can think of: law enforcement, code enforcement, marketing and social media, retail, real estate, warehouse, leadership positions, grunt. I’ve been laid off, fired, unemployed, underemployed, and overemployed. Except for unemployment, I hated every single item on that list. I’m not a big fan of work, and I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up — being a writer would be nice, but my current method of publishing a story every six months doesn’t lend itself to being at the top of the profession. So, as it stands now, I’ll be working until my death.

I spent time in the military and in a psych ward, have been bankrupt, married and divorced, and am raising two teenage daughters (one adult, one soon-to-be adult). My parenting has been both superbly good and dreadfully bad, and I’m still learning how to be a dad. (Being on the verge of an empty nest is a phase steeped in melancholy.)

I’ve worked with and been around many cultures and visited more than a few countries. Depression and anxiety have been constants for most of my life, and there have been too many times when I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep living. I’ve loved as much as I’ve hated and spent years indifferent to most everything around me, each feeling holding unwanted permanence. My mind and body are heavy with both gratitude and regret, and a healthy dose of grief and exhaustion. There’s still some hope in there, too.

I am not considered “successful” in the capitalistic sense of the word — I’ve had my hardships, along with plenty of stupid choices. However, adversity can provide the best life lessons; learning from them is an entirely different story. Knowledge does not always equal wisdom.

Advice and life lessons are not for everyone, and most of the time, they hold privilege. These are also bite-sized snippets in a vast world of nuance. I’m also a fallible human (as my listed life resume can corroborate), and there’s a lot of nuance that comes with that, too. These are lessons, not answers.

So, as always, take what works for you and leave the rest.

I’ve put the lessons into various “life sections.” Relationships, Money, Work, Odds and Ends. Some sections are much shorter than others, but I think we can cover a lot of ground with those topics; they seem pretty important in the grand scheme of things.

Let’s get started.

“Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s.”―Anaïs Nin

Relationships

• The longest relationship you will have is the one with yourself. If that relationship isn’t healthy, everything else is likely to be unhealthy, too. Be good to your past and present selves. Show up for your future self.

• Check in with yourself often. Ask yourself questions. How are you? How are you, really? Honesty is the best policy here.

• You’re allowed to be proud of yourself, especially for getting through the daily battles that no one sees.

• Being by yourself is not the same as being with yourself.

• Getting back together with someone you’ve broken up with is rarely a good idea, no matter how much hope you have. The relationship not working out again is the rule, not the exception. (This might be more for me than for you.)

• Know, with as much certainty as is physically, emotionally, and mentally possible, what you’re getting your heart into before you give it away. If ever there was a time to be picky, this is it — your relationships will affect the rest of your life. Choosing someone to date, marry, or have kids with is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. Treat it as such. I cannot stress this enough. Healthy love, whether in a romantic relationship or friendship, will change your life; unhealthy love will also.

• Being single is as fulfilling as being in a relationship.

• Almost everyone has baggage; be wary of those who say they don’t. (This is another one that might be more specific to me — I still have a lot of lessons to learn. Anecdotal evidence is still evidence, right?)

• Closure is an inside job.

• Mixed signals are actually very clear. I have a lot of trouble with this one.

• Familiarity is not the same as comfort.

• Actions almost always speak louder than words. It’s a cliché, but it’s a damn good one.

• Your presence in other people’s lives is (most of the time) optional. The same goes for them.

• Most friendships don’t dissolve overnight; it’s a slow burn you don’t notice. Lives get busy, people change, friends move on — it will happen many times over the course of your life. Sometimes losing friends is a blessing, and other times the loss is worth grieving. People fade; pour your energy into the ones who don’t.

• The sooner you learn you can’t control what other people do, the happier you’ll be. How people act and how we want people to act have nothing to do with each other.

• Give people the benefit of the doubt until they show you not to; some people take longer than others.

• Your expectations of other people are often the bigger problem. But…

• Always being the bigger person will build resentment. Sometimes people need to hear your truth.

• Conversely, be a safe space for someone; it’s fulfilling for everyone involved.

• There are some relationships you will never heal from. Time still leaves scars, and I have no answer to make it better. I’m sorry.

Money

• To get ahead financially, you can either make more money or reduce your expenses. The latter is easier (although the current job market and economy make it difficult to do either). You probably don’t need the 3,000-square-foot house and the $50,000 car, though. Learn to live with less.

• Bankruptcy is not a moral failure and can give you a new start and reduce major stress. The company you have debt with will still likely make billions in profit.

• Money might not make you happy, but it can certainly buy peace of mind and less stress.

I’m super bad with money, so you really shouldn’t take financial advice or lessons from me. Lessons regarding money are also full of privilege and ignore systemic barriers, so this section deserves to be short.

Work

• Your job will have a tremendous impact on your mental health; who you choose to work for will shape whether the impact is positive or negative.

• You can make friends at work (my best friends are all people I used to work with). You will almost certainly make enemies.

• The most important “work” you’ll do is on yourself.

• Not wanting to climb the corporate ladder is completely acceptable.

• Try aligning your career with your play style. I think many people would be much happier. (You should take the quiz; it’s fun. I’m a Mover/Dreamer, with Creator not far behind.)

• Work does not define you. Read it again.

• Work is a part of life, not separate from it. There’s no work-life balance; it’s all life.

• A job can just be a means to an end, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I loathe the current system of work, so I’m keeping this section short, too.

Odds and Ends

• Having kids is fine. Having no kids is fine. Not sure why this is so hard.

• The earlier you start exercising, the better. Doing it frequently will improve your life. No citation needed.

• Grieving can be much more effective than gratitude.

• New experiences will teach you more about life than any self-help book. Travel will teach you more about people. Solitude will teach you more about yourself. If possible, do each regularly.

• You’ll regret what you didn’t do just as much as what you did. Both will eat you alive if you let them.

• You can get better at almost everything by being consistent with it. Consistency will help you transition from “I’ve always wanted to…” to “I’m learning to….” Consistency will also bridge the gap between awareness and inaction. However…

• There are some skills and concepts you won’t get better at or understand. Don’t let what you can’t understand hold more power than the things you do.

• Being curious is far better than being judgmental.

• Find something you’re passionate about and immerse yourself in it — notice I didn’t put this in the work section. (For me, it’s trail running.)

• Find an outlet for your pain. Exercise, writing, art, screaming into the void — they all help.

• Doing nothing is important. The Chinese call this We Wei — non-doing. Rest is crucial to being physically and mentally healthy. Empty days are as important as full ones.

• Have faith that you can figure it out, whatever it is.

• Sadness is not a problem that always needs to be solved.

• There are a lot of questions that have no answers; you’ll drive yourself crazy looking for these answers.

• Time is slipping away, and your phone is taking much of it. I use Brick to help me; find something that helps you.

• “Letting it all work out” is a horrible life strategy; taking control by building good habits is a much better one.

• There are some traumas you’re never going to get over, so find a way to minimize their impact on your life — I use trail running.

• Play, even as an adult, is important. Climb a tree, jump in a puddle, and search for childlike wonder often. Just maybe check with your doctor first if you’re over 40.

• The weight of some sorrows is easier to carry yourself. You’ll learn what these are with experience and age.

• Along with that, be careful who you share your thoughts with — you’ll learn who is safe with experience and age. People will also show you if they’re safe — believe them when they aren’t.

• Love is still the most powerful force on Earth. Empathy is a close second. Hate is not far behind.

• Hate is expensive to your health, but it’s sometimes warranted. Don’t let it consume you, though.

• Being a human hurts; you’ll unfortunately learn this lesson over and over.

• Being a human is amazing; you’ll fortunately learn this lesson over and over.

Growing up is losing some illusions, in order to acquire others.”
―Virginia Woolf

What I’ve learned along the way has changed drastically over the years, and will continue to evolve as I age. I’m sure I’ll look back on this article in a few years and see how naïve I was in some areas. Growth (and life transitions) comes with a lot of mistakes.

I am in a period of transition; spending time in a psych ward gives a person the impetus to change, to say the least. Maybe that’s why I wrote this — it’s a reminder to myself of everything I’ve learned, and more importantly, everything I still need to learn to enact that change. I’m hoping some of it will be helpful for you as well.

I recently read May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude. It’s a diary of a year spent living alone in her rural New Hampshire home. The book explores themes of isolation, aging, creativity, nature, and unresolved inner emotions, especially depression.

Sarton returns to the home after a long absence, and upon entering, is met with the reality that the transition from her previous life to now is a painful one.

“The house is no friend when I walk in. Only Punch (her pet parrot) gives a welcoming scream; there are no flowers. A smell of stale tobacco, unopened windows, my life waiting for me somewhere, asking to be created again.”

Your life is waiting for you somewhere, asking to be created again. It’s waiting for you to transition from the person you are to the person you want to be.

So, as Mary Oliver asked, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”