💖What It Took For Me To Learn The True Meaning Of Love💖.

Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt…

Mesa Selimovic

Coming to write about this has been a result of everything that has happened in my life, from Cancer to Covid-19, and everything inbetween. My wife Carol Townend has supported me in more ways than I could have ever imagined through my life today.

Her article below has been the springboard in starting to write this today and as we both read and write on both Vocal & Medium, I feel the compassionate need to share it with the Vocal community too:

We are all thrust into this world whether we want to be or, indeed, if we are even ready. Embracing your own existence within this cold harsh (and yes, sometimes evil & unforgiving) world, can prove too much for any one of us. But what makes life far more bearable and accepting is that one special person walking into your life.

I was born with Cancer of the BrainStem which, yes, was treated successfully through ongoing surgical interventions and sessions and radiotherapy.

The removal of brain, spinal and skull based tumours.

Neurosurgery. Royal College of Surgeons of England (RCS.)

To some retrospective viewpoints, neurosurgery was extremely new to our world in 1972 when I developped problems and as such, the word ‘dicey’ and ‘hair-raising,’ would be a pretty appropiate word to use when explaining away the risk factors of this type of surgery back then! 1972 was a decade of early realization that this type of surgery was viable. Although both surgical clips & metals were still inferior in those days… stainless steel was the material of choice.

So, the risk factors of this surgery type?

Personality changes

Memory difficulties

Communication difficulties

Fatigue

Depression

Cognition (thinking skills)

Seizures (epilepsy)

Learning difficulties

Sight problems

Further details & support can be accessed through the ‘Brain Tumour Charity.’ Or through their telephone line at 0808 800 0004.

Written earlier in commemoration of the neurosurgeon that performed my life-saving surgery was Mr Jason Giles Brice. Written for a man for whom I will never forget:

Whilst I could talk more in depth concerning the side-effects as above, within the scope of my article here, it is more fitting to discuss how this has all affected me today.

Personality changes.

This is where the turning point in my life was. Slowly after surgery, radiotherapy and out-patient treatment, other sibling family attitudes began changing towards me. Let me just say that jealousy played a tumultuous part in this agonizing process of growing up.

Jealousy you say?

Yes, jealousy.

True. Because (quite understandably too) both my mother and father had feared for such a long time that I was going to die at such a precious young age. Prior to me even being born, my own brother & sisters had been getting all the attention. But, when I became ill and the dreaded Cancer diagnosis was given, that prior attention shifted dramatically to me, during and for so many years after such invasive treatment.

But of course, this is quite a valid response to such a traumatic event is it not?

It became evident that I was emotionally disturbed, displayed by my attitudes to life, poor inability to engage appropriately with other peers around my age, anger outbursts, very tearful of the slightest activities around me and, hair-raising suicidal attempts with frequent periods of ‘acting out’ behaviours as I gradually got older too.

People say a child is ‘acting out’ when they exhibit unrestrained and improper actions. The behavior is usually caused by suppressed or denied feelings or emotions.

Acting out reduces stress. It’s often a child’s attempt to show otherwise hidden emotions. Acting out may include fighting, throwing fits, or stealing. In severe cases, acting out is associated with antisocial behavior and other personality disorders in teenagers and younger children.

Healthline. Medically reviewed by Gill K. (MD) and written by Pritchard, J. (August st 2019.)

Memory difficulties.

These got me into a fair few issues whilst at school. Remembering facts & figures was not a strength of mine, often ending up with negative attitudes from both teachers and school peers. These leading me to almost create my own ‘bubble of isolation’ from these people, in my attempts to avert bullying and name-calling such as ‘thick,’ ‘slow,’ ‘dumb,’ ‘stupid,’ ‘dunce,’ and ‘cripple.’

🤢And yes, even some of my teachers used these terms too!🤢

Communication difficulties.

Developing friendships became hard as my complete right-side of my body had been weakened by surgery and damage to my brain, which left me being jeered at during P.E. lessons as I frequently stumbled, fell, and could not run or walk in a straight line. My right eye had much reduced vision in it with a very obvious squint left — encouraging the bullies to further ‘knock me down’ mentaly, with terms such as ‘cripple,’ ‘cross-eyed,’ and ‘square eyes.’

Covid-19 has made these difficulties far worse since contracting it in 2020.

Consistent confusion followed usually in school, as I was always getting into trouble for the teacher not getting a response from me in class during register, as I usually could not hear them properly too.

Fatigue.

This was and remains a massive problem for me even today. Sometimes it made it hard for family to know whether I was getting ill again, relapsing, or ‘just plain bloody lazy.’

Following Covid-19, fatigue has become much more exacerbated.

Depression.

Low mood and depression have always been a problem for me, having been under the care of psychiatry for countless years.

I still have to constantly self-evaluate my risks here, because after Covid-19 worsening all my disabilities, I had to leave nursing all together as I was no longer able to work at all… after 30-years of being amongst the workforce and suddenly not having this anymore, it can affect me badly at times. Thanks to my loving & caring wife Carol (who has now been thrust into being a registered carer for me) I quite don’t know how I would manage?

Cognition (thinking skill.)

Learning and understanding was a ‘thorn in the side’ for me throughout school. Despite mw actively fighting to get where I wanted after school. Eventually at age-19, I made it into mental health nurse training, where I hoped it would help me further in understanding the problems I had (and still was) going through. To pretty much a degree, I can definitely tell you that it did /the trick!

Sight problems.

I have touched on this above but, after developing Covid-19 in 2020 it has degenerated much worse in my right eye, to the point where I now use an eye patch.

However, after meeting my wife way back in 1998, I now have plenty of hope. My wife has forever remained strong throughout all the challenges that have been met over our years together. I have not had the experience of what ‘true love’ actually means until I was fortunate enough to meet her…

I wish with my heart that my family could even be bothered to see what Carol has achieved throughout all these years, for both of us…

But they seem awfully unable too!

That’s their problem and is not mine, as I have learned to understand this.

💖So thank you to my wife who has got me to where I am today…

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I love writing articles & fictional stories. They give me scope to express myself and free my mind. After working as a mental health nurse for 30 -years, writing allows an effective emotional release, one which I hope you will join me on.

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I also have a short story insight e-book published with Amazon Kindle Direct Publishing, about the life of a young woman who suffered the terrifying trauma of rape, and how the ensuing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, began to affect her life afterward; which can be purchased below: