What is your why?

JOURNAL entry;

I have been struggling to answer this question recently.

I would like to say, "my reason for getting up every day is my family," but it just does not seem to be enough recently. Now do not get me wrong, I love my family and we have become so close since quaratine started. I would never leave and put all that hurt on them, but it has been tough lately.

There is so much pressure to get a good job and start a family. If you don't do those things, it is definitely frowned upon. Even if someone does not say it to your face, they are showing it or saying it behind your back. I think the tough part is that if you do not do the "normal" way of life then you are looked at so differently.

My "why" used to be swim practice and swim meets but all good things have to come to end, which pains me to comes to terms with. Now if you have not been in sports at all during your life; high school or college sports then this might be a little hard to understand but stay because you can compare it to something you are dealing with in your life.

You dedicate 1/4 of your life to one moment. Now this is if you only play in college and do not go any further. One moment you get and if you don't hit your expectations or exceed them, then you think was it all worth it? Did I try hard enough? Did I really give it my all? This is something that I have been working on. I have to learn to live with no regrets and to keep moving on. Easy said then, done... right?

So I have been looking for my new reason "why?" I would say that I am not a conventional person. I have always done things a little differently than other people have. A lot of people go to college to get a job and then work that job for few years but I did not have any plans for after college. I did not see my life going anywhere after college swimming. Which is kind of sad...

I would love to hear other people's why? But first let me explain why I have been struggling.

You hit an almost peak in your life and in sports, in my opinion you are always on a high and your body feels it too. Now mentally you are also on a high, but its a natural high something that is like no other. You excell off of it, it is not something like a drug in term of possibly taking your life. But something that is similar to this natural high is that, you have a hard time matching it. So once it is all over, you really want it more than ever again.

When runners run and some can do it for hours, this is call a "runners high." You hit a peak in performance and you feel unstoppable. I have had some troubling finding this again. I used to go to practice and try so hard that I feel like I could swim for hours and hours. It was the best feeling in the world.

I think recently I have found my love for art again. Sometimes feeling like once I get started, I don't want to stop because I have on a "creative high," hence feeling unstoppable. I can come up with all these different ideas when I am in my basement alone listening to music and just staring at a canvas, putting different kinds of paint on the paper. I love painting and photography. These things are things that I can excell at and most people say wow... you are a natural.

This has been the one thing, that gets me out of my head, recently. I am only focusing on the thing in front of me. It is hard to concentrate on one thing now a days. We have phones and computers, telling us all to do one thing and how to feel another one. That is why I will forever love sports. It is something that I have been in at a young age and I will always cherish. It is the one thing I could pick up easily and it did not require talking or being on your phone. You just do it and get better at it.

I think I have been doing better at it recently; focusing. Now I understand, I don't need constant reassurance that I am doing better for mysef but sometimes it is just something that I need. Someone to tell me wow you are doing great, look at you go.

I have always been unsatified, always hungry for one, something better. My coaches have always loved that about me. A player to say, "Don't worry coach, I can do better. " Now I am not sure if it is because of my coaches or how I was raise but it has always been a strength and a weakness in my life.

I know... this is something that I am working on...

So all you athletes, nonathletes, humans out there....

What is your why to get up every day?