What Is Left Unspoken.

You will always have one foot in and out no matter how much you want to have both in as long as you’re not able to be completely honest with them or at least with your mom. Because you so desperately want things to be all good again but a part of you feels like you’re hiding this huge part of what happened to you and why you did the things you did but you don’t want to hurt them by telling them. While at the same time it’s eating you alive especially the more time you spend with them and think about them.

It’s like a step forward and a step backwards happening simultaneously.

A part of you feeling a little guilty but at the same time justifying it by wanting to protect them, shield them from causing them more pain than your past has caused. Wanting to tell them knowing that it's holding you everyone back from fully healing and moving on but unable to jump. Uncertain of what the other side may hold. Knowing the possibilities. Aware of the slight disconnect because of it.

You want to restore something that you aren’t willing to shed light on. Give new life to something that is still very much in the dark. Move forward while you’re still being pulled back. Physically present but not fully emotionally.

I don’t think you’ll fully be able to move forward and have the kind of honest, transparent relationship or at least sense of closeness you seek with them until you do tell them. I don’t think it’s going to happen soon cause I don’t think you’re ready but I do think that it’s a vital part of you healing and making peace with everything that happened just like a part of me fully accepting my sexuality and my parents is a part for me. It doesn’t have to happen but to completely be able to make peace and heal and move forward without any feet behind you, without anything pulling you back I think it’s an essential part. I think that a part of you knows that but wants to believe that you don’t have to and would rather hurt a lot than hurt them at all even if it meant never fully being able to feel fully connected to them like before. A part of you has tried many different ways to try to mend what was broken without directly attending to the actual wound.

You can’t expect something to ever be back to one hundred percent if a part of it isn’t plugged in. If a part is missing because sooner or later you’ll notice and there will be an empty spot there like something holding it back from being able to be at full potential.

We both have our own lives and the people we are separate from our parents and our family and love the lives we live and the things that we do. But, in two different areas but at their core there’s a part of us that hates that we can’t be fully transparent with our parents about everything that has happened for so many reasons. And no matter how much our normal life goes on and we live each day there will always be moments that break us a bit and pull us back making us think about it. We want to so badly just tell them and be completely honest but can’t bring ourselves to even though a part of us both knows that we need to. Because regardless of how someone decides to take what we share we all deserve to heal from the hurt and pain we have inflicted on others as well as those that have been on the other end of it.

And just as I’m not giving my parents the choice, you’re not giving yours it either. I get wanting to protect them and not wanting them to hurt. But, I also know that they wouldn’t want you to be hurting as much as you are absorbing all of the pain and responsibility for everything that happened. They wouldn’t blame you. They wouldn’t resent you. They wouldn’t hate you. You won’t lose them. It’s not about blame. It’s not about responsibility. It’s not about fault.

Just as a piece of this is yours, a piece is also theirs. You’ve had all this time to learn to make peace with your part and they deserve their chance to as well.

Because what you’re not realizing fully is that this isn’t all about you. They were a part of it. A small part none the less. But they felt effects from it that they never even knew where they came from. And I think there’s a part of you that knows that they deserve to know why.

And as long as there is this thing that you keep to yourself, you’ll never be able to get as close as you really want to. Not because you won’t try your best or they won’t try theirs. But because there will be this invisible wall between you that you’ll be able to see in the back of your head that won’t let you.

You want so badly for this to just be something that you bear for everyone else and that you take the full brunt of. But you have to understand that the person who did those things and said those things isn’t who you were. They aren’t who you are now. And I don’t think they will hold those things against you if you don’t hold them against yourself. You’re your own worst enemy in this scenario. They love you so much. Unconditionally. I’ve seen that first hand and I don’t think anything you could do could change how they care and feel about you. I don’t think that providing them with clarity and context for what happened will burden them like you think. Everyone will have their initial feelings and might be a little hurt at first but never from a place of anger or hate. From a place of love and deep care for you.

The fears that you have are valid. But I don’t think that with them they hold any real value. The love they are capable of and have shown you have proven that. I’ve seen first hand in the moments I’ve shared with them how great of a love that lives in their hearts for you. It’s truly remarkable and very touching. Not everyone is lucky enough to have parents like that. That even after everything welcome you with open arms and so much love. Trying their best to appreciate the moments they have with you and not lingering in the past.

Sharing isn’t a selfish act. It’s a selfless act because you’re giving them a piece to something that they couldn’t complete before and in that giving them peace. Not reopening old wounds to be hurt again. Allowing them to break open again to let love heal where only pain lived before. Granting a new capacity for connection and love that was stunted before by unresolved and misunderstood actions.

The closure that you think that you have and that you’ve found will not be complete without being able to fully try to reconcile and repair the relationships hurt through complete clarity and candor.

I don’t think that any of this that I’m saying is anything that you haven’t thought about before. Things that have crossed your mind. More so things that you pushed away or that you may not have acknowledge or wanted to give any attention to on a conscious level. You’re far too intelligent and emotionally mature to not have realized that there may be a day where you need to do the one thing you dread the most to be able to breathe the kind of life back into this as you wish it to be again.

Just know that if anything I truly believe that the clarity that you can bring can only bring you closer not farther. Realize that you shedding light can’t hurt them more than what has already been done. And that the past is what hurt them, all you can do now is help heal them. But to do that you first have to acknowledge what happened with someone other than yourself. It’s just a question of if the pros outweigh the cons for you. But, I think they definitely do. And the value out of what you hope to gain would as well. The one thing you’ve been working towards hoping to make things right, make things like they were before.

You can’t just move past this with them without addressing it because it’s not who you are to not be completely honest especially with the people who matter the most to you. And it will continue to be a thought in your mind because that’s simply who you are and it will stagnant the progress you hope to make as some point or another if not addressed properly. You don’t want to have to keep secrets and hide. You don’t want to hurt anyone in any way. That you don’t want to have to keep things surface level out of fear that they might stumble onto something and then you have to explain everything. I know that. But you have to ask yourself, aren’t there more people being hurt in one way or another by you trying to absorb all of it yourself?

I know you haven't told them because you love them. But you're not giving them or yourself a fair shot at getting back to where you once were and hope to revive again as you keep this part of your past that affected them silent.

We both know all to well that we can’t heal without acknowledging and accepting everything that happened to ourselves first and if those involved were or want to be part of our lives again doing the same in return. Moving on, letting go, and healing don’t happen without facing it straight in the face and understanding all aspects.

You know that it’s your choice at the end of the day. These are just my thoughts transcribed and expanded. Trying to understand what all is happening inside of you. Trying to sort out what you’ve shared and gain a deeper level of understanding. No matter what you end up doing. I will love and support you especially in regards to your relationship with your family. Even if none of this is ever exhaled to them please don’t allow it to manifest and internalize inside of you without you letting it out somehow. You deserve that.