What If Things Go Horribly Wrong?

We all start out our lives by making plans about where we would like to be in the future. Scratch that. Many of us think about where we WOULDN’T like to be when we are old — usually influenced by the people we see around us, our caregivers, teachers, etc. Some people are lucky to have clear goals or passions from when they are very young, and others are helpfully guided into lives that seem so full of good things — at least from the outside. However, there is one thing that can randomly strike at any point in life…

It can all go horribly wrong. I am not just talking about the life difficulties that happen to all of us. As valid as these are individually, I am talking about making plans, sacrificing, putting in the effort for a good thing, only for it all to be blindsided in a moment. Thereafter, everything you have worked for and put yourself into can be taken away. It could be work-related or relational, but it will involve loss and death — literal or metaphorical. One thing you can deal with, but when the first event leads to another and then another, your worst fears can be realised, and you can feel completely alone. Speaking from my own experience of losing almost everything, the emotional toll can be enormous.

To make it more personal, but without going into any details, my biggest fear was always spending a lot of time and effort to become a “person with a career”. I spent years working hard to become a professional, building up a business and working with other charitable groups to lift others up and bring hope. However, whether through bad luck or believing the wrong people, I ended up with supervisors who didn’t care about my mental health, even though it was supposed to be a caring profession. Without going into too much detail, I had to give up my work with the charity because someone accused me of being unfit when the evidence showed that he was grossly negligent in the investigation. However, the real kicker was when the body that does the “overseeing” threw out my counter-complaint against him. NO account was taken for the effect on me, the trauma, or the subsequent depression.

It has been a long hard year or two, as intertwined in all that my marriage has become a decoupling and the various stages of faith which used to be a comfort are no more. The one main thing I had and have is my two boys; They are my motivation that kept me going. Having a couple of really good friends, male and female, has been such a lifeline, too. People who have known loss and despair as well and are unafraid simply to be there with me in the dark times. A counsellor who has known me and my journey for nearly ten years, who is non-judgmental, yet will give an appropriate challenge in a word or two that can change my perspective, is another rare help in the darkness.

These, coupled with some internal force that keeps me going, keeps me believing in tomorrow, enabled me to focus some of the pain into completing my first novel. Which combined with writing on here has made me feel on a more even keel. At least for the moment. I don’t know the next stage, but I know I have had some devastating experiences, and I am still here. I also found great comfort in doing a course in the Enneagram (which I will write more about in the future). For now, it is sufficient to say I found people like me, and I don’t feel so alone and weird anymore.

We men can seem to be generally ok on the outside and we can deny anything is wrong to even those closest to us. Even when things go wrong, it’s easier to shrug it off and keep going. Until it isn’t. Whether things aren’t going the way you were hoping, or in fact, they are going horribly wrong, and it’s breaking you up, tearing your sense of meaning and purpose in the world apart, please believe there is hope. The most important thing you can do is communicate in a more real way, preferably before it gets to a difficult point. Ideally, find the courage to talk to a friend in a non-superficial way about the small things. Offer to help a mate who is struggling, not just “laugh it off”. Just a regular meetup with one or two other people and being brave enough to share can make all the difference in the world. Even though it can be so vulnerable and difficult to begin with, the long term benefit can literally (correct use of that word) be life-saving!

Believe me.