What I learned from…Mark Manson

“I say don’t find yourself. I say never know who you are. Because that’s what keeps you striving and discovering. And it forces you to remain humble in your judgments and accepting of the differences in others.” - Mark Manson

A very big difference in self-help books occurred in 2016. If you were a partaker in this genre prior and post then you might be able to notice the shift. It revolved around a pretty simple collection of words usually omitted from reading material, specifically reading material designed to boost a person’s self-value.

Traditionally, words of praise and forms of coddling find their way into the pages of self-help propaganda. But, from 2016 onwards, with most thanks going to one notable man, in particular, the genre took a change for the better. This shift came from one word in particular that would be like the spark to the kindling of a much larger movement.

The book that changed the game

The word was “Fuck” and the catalyst for which it presented itself was Mark Manson’s “The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck”. Mark’s book struck a chord with a generation of individuals who felt left out to dry by the wishy-washy hands-off approach of usual self-help garbage. Instead, within the pages of Mark's book readers found honesty along with a lack of fear and even more so, a lack of caring about whether or not they become your fucking friend.

Mark's book was a bombshell at the right time. When many in the world were turning to fame and status and money to appease their selfish gains and reduce their suffering. When a narcissistic epidemic surged through our society. When a "why me" of infinite excuse ripples across the world. Mark’s advice offered a sword to cut through the bullshit.

Mark's perspectives about life, death, relationships, and happiness provided an antidote to the chaos infecting the masses. I read his book first back in 2016 when it was published. I have read it a few extra times since then, I have even given copies of it away to friends. His second book, “Everything Is Fucked”, provides an equally beneficial collection of views meant to instill a call to action from the reader instead of leaving them hopeful for a better future.

The lessons

Let’s look at some of the key things I learned from this man.

Fucks. Where and What to give.

“Maturity is what happens when one learns to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy." - Mark Manson

It wouldn't be Mark Manson if I didn't mention what the understanding of this whole "fucks given thing" was about. And it's pretty simple. We will all die soon, until that time comes, we are spending energy, giving fucks about the things in our lives.

We only have so many fucks we can give (energy) and what we choose to give a fuck about becomes the thing we end up valuing in our life. What we value in life is what we attract.

Mark taught me to be firm and few with my fucks, he showed me that If I wanted to succeed and be happy, I had to give fewer fucks, and give them out more wisely. I learned that by giving fewer fucks to things that were not important I was able to save energy and patience for the things I did care about.

Importance of Trust and Respect in a Relationship over Love

“Unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for each other—in other words, they’re using each other as an escape. Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.” - Mark Manson

Mark has a lot of dating and relationship advice that seems sound. His perspectives are balanced and well thought out, based on science and understanding.

I have paid for Marks Relationships course through his website. I learned that trust and respect must be present in a relationship prior to love being formed, without these two foundations as the cornerstones of your relationship you fall privy to believing that love is enough and can end up in an untruthful or disrespectful relationship because of this incorrect value system.

Mark taught me to put values before feelings to establish a better ground for love.

Fuck Yes or No

“As a rule, people who are terrified of what others think about them are actually terrified of all the shitty things they think about themselves being reflected back at them.” - Mark Manson

A beautiful easy way to act on something. It is quite simple, if you are not fuck yes about doing it then it is a no. This in no way means you do not do hard things, on the contrary, you may be fuck yes about doing a hard thing, such as having a difficult conversation with your partner, and that is perfect. It is when you do not feel fuck yes that you should consider saving your time.

Choose your Pain, not your Pleasure

“Who you are is defined by what you’re willing to struggle for.” - Mark Manson

Mark taught me to look for the suffering inside my dreams and aspirations. Do not choose my successes or pleasures, but instead choose what I am willing to suffer, choose my pain, and I will know what I am capable of.

This will give me a better understanding of the reality of my decisions considering it is my ability to deal with the pain I receive in doing the action that will determine my success in it.

You are not Unique

Sorry, not sorry. It is what it is. Mark taught me to understand deeper that although I am an individual, with my own problems and fuck ups, I am also common and share in a lot of this with my fellow people.

Everyone has trauma, pain, suffering. Everyone has dreams and things they regret and wish they would have done better. Everyone wants to be special. Seeing this frees you from its shackles and connects you to all around you.

A note about Marks website and Monday email newsletter

Mark has one of the most well-built, resource-laden websites I’ve ever visited. He is constantly expanding on his ideas and writing about them in shorter articles which he posts here.

I highly recommend spending some time reading through articles that seem of value to you. There are very few people that send out emails worth something, Mark does that. Every Monday, an email can help start your week in the right way. Definitely worth checking out.

Thanks, Mark, for showing me the many things you yourself have learned, and have been kind enough to share. Also, thank you for giving a fuck, and teaching us about the fucks we give.