What I Learned About Myself Now That I'm 30
What I Wish I Could've Done Sooner
One thing I've learned from turning 30 is that all the self doubt, low self esteem, anxiety, and fear of what people might think is all just BS. All the stuff in my head that I lost sleep over was just not worth it.
I remember in my 20s worrying about a lot of stuff. Why don't I have bigger boobs? Why do I have love handles? Why do I have to be the one to have acne? Why do I have a double chin? Why am I so weird around people? Why can't I stand up for myself? Why am I such a pushover? Why do I keep getting rejected? No one will ever love me.
Then when I turned 26, I didn't want to feel like this anymore. I was dating an emotional bully, just add alcohol and he would turn nasty. I had enough by this point, a year and a half of being told to wear more makeup, get rid of that acne, drink more alcohol, wear sexier clothing, have sex even when I didn't want to. This was him after I found out he was sexting other girls on my birthday, "Oh yeah. Well I met that girl before I met you." Yeah... It was bad. It was probably the darkest point of my life. Then I finished with him. I was called a selfish c**t and that I should have been lucky to have him.
About six months later I went to America and travelled around California. This was the best thing that I could have done. It was one of those tours for lone travellers to join a group of other lone travellers. It was the best experience of my life. I met lovely people and got to see some amazing places. Yosemite National Park was definitely my favourite place. The nature was so calming and soothed my mind and body. It was like a detox for the mind. As I was hiking through the forest I started thinking more positively about my future and started to forget the negativity I had been drowning in six months prior. I felt like me again, like the child version of me that didn't have these complex worries, but the happy go lucky disposition. I could physically feel the negative energy drain from my body.
Then I got home and started chatting to a guy on Tinder. I was scared to date again after the last relationship I was in but I felt like the powers of Yosemite had gave me strength and confidence. So I jumped into the deep end and agreed to go and meet this guy. He was fit, healthy and extremely good looking. I thought to myself for a brief second that there was no way a guy like that would be attracted to me. But I went anyway. I let go of the self doubt and rejection anxiety and just went with it.
Almost five years later and here we are—engaged to be married. When I turned 30 I started to see how badly negativity can effect you mentally and physically. How much it could make others take advantage, reject you and bully you. But once you figure out who you are, love yourself, and believe in yourself, the rest will follow. I had to teach myself to be strong, to be myself, to take no crap from anyone, to know that my looks aren't really important.
One thing California taught me was that it's the experiences in life that are important. The people that love me are important. Nothing else and no one else is as important. I feel so at peace with myself. My life has balance. I feel no need to try and live up to other people's expectations and standards. It's great, I feel so free to do the things I want and enjoy. I feel like the world is my oyster. No one is ever going to make me feel low and crappy about myself again. I'm saying NO! I will ignore and delete horrible people both online and in reality.
I want you all to know that if you feel low and not worthy, please just seek something you enjoy and keep doing it. I promise that if you continue doing what you enjoy without fear of what other people think, you will feel on top of the world. Get rid of people who impact your life negatively, trust me you won't miss them. When people see that you don't care what they think, they'll move onto someone else because they'll see that their words aren't affecting you. Bullies can't bully a strong person (unless the bully is physically hurting you, then please tell someone).
Nothing but you, your loved ones and your passions matter. Remember that.