What do you do when you have no clue?

To say that 2020 was a hard year for literally everyone on the planet, is like saying that the sky is blue. In my 35 years of existence on this wonderful thing we call Earth- I had never had a year that compared to this one, and let's be honest other than some of our Grandparents I don't think anyone has. I think what made this year particularly difficult for me was I was coming off of high that was my 2019- the first real "high year' of my life.

I had never truly been overly successful in my life up until 2019. My one claim to fame up until that point was that I was born on Pancake Tuesday, in the middle of a snowstorm that gave my older sisters the day off from school. And that was pretty.much.it. I grew up on a farm in small town Ontario, where I was the chunky kid who grew up in a trailer with my family. Now, as I say this- I had a wonderful family, who loved and supported me, and who continues to do so. So, with that, I would never change any of that part of my life, but we had to work for everything we had.

I was never overly good at many things growing up (even though at the time, I thought I was kind of kickass in my own right) But I enjoyed sports, hockey games, hanging out with friends- the things that kids do when they are young. Looking back on it now, I wish I did more, but for what it was- it was decent.

Once I had moved away and begun my college career, and "adulthood" (sidenote whoever decided that we should grow up- not a fan) this is where the "rut" or mundaneness of it all started. I was always raised with the morals of work hard, and you will succeed. NO! It is not just that. Hard work is great, and there are parts of it that will get you places, but it won't necessarily make you succeed, or give you the a sense of accomplishment. From working the 9-5 retail jobs, multiple ones at a time, going into massive debt to work on university and college degrees- which don't guarantee a job anymore, to buying things we don't need, and comparing ourselves to other people from our high schools, or social media accounts. We have all heard it before, be your own person. Do what you love! But what happens, when you get so derailed from your path, that you aren't even sure where you are to begin again?

Now, I say this as I am on the eve of my business reopening after our province's second wave of the Virus that has delayed most of our lives. And as I reflect on what 2020 and so far, what 2021 has been, I can't help but wonder what if? What if I did not move away to go to college at 19 to a city 3 hours away from my closest family member? What if I had not had the affair that I did when I was in my 20s (another story for another day). What if I did not break my leg and change my career path? What if I did not push for a management job that I had already failed at once, to try to rebuild and show I could do it? What if 2020 had been more like what 2019 was- the year I felt my most successful.

Now, I will preframe this with- the success I am talking about comes from a job that I love. Loved. I think that I still love. After the last year, I say these words with hesitation because I do not know if I can truly say I feel the same way I did before the chaos of the Virus happened.

Let me take you back. In January of 2019 I fought to get a position in the company I have worked for since 2013. And to be completely honest, I had no idea if I would even succeed at it. I had previously done the role before and FAILED miserably. But what do they say- FAIL is supposed to be your first attempt at learning right? So maybe that is what it was. An attempt at learning. But this time I felt like I was ready. I was confident in my job, I knew what I thought needed to be done, and I was ready for a challenge. And it worked out. My team worked their asses off and became phenomenally successful in their respective roles. And I must say that the success of my year wouldn't have and couldn't have happened without my teams hard work and dedication. I was selected as a recipient of an award that only 20 other people in the country got to share in that year, and I was awarded with regional awards and praise. Again, this was massively in part because of the things my team did.

Coming into 2020 I believed that we could grow and expand on the success we had the year before, but then Covid happened. Now I can say luckily my family and close friends have been fortunate enough to avoid getting sick, however I lost both my uncle and Grandfather weeks apart at the end of the year. The worse part about this was that we were unable to do a proper goodbye (at least as of the time of writing this). And for me- it brought me back to feelings that I had not truly had since 2008 when my father died. To say that I had dealt with my Dad's death would be an utter lie- remember the affair I mentioned before- yeah same timeline, but I have come a long way since those days. When I returned to work in July of 2020, I was excited and ready to get back to where we had been, and the success we had once seen. I will not get into the major details- however I will say that the time between our reopening in July and the next shut down we had in late December have been some of the toughest times of my life when it came to my career.

And then, we got the news as a province we would be shut down again starting on December 26th, 2020 for an undetermined amount of time. Mentally I think I was ready for the time away, but unlike the last lockdown we had faced, this one I was in a completely different mind frame. I had no desire to learn or work on courses. I barely talked to friends, a few times a week helping people remotely with items. My relationship with my spouse suffered as I would go hours without saying a word to him. And overall- I felt like I had NO FUCKING CLUE as what to do with my life.

For the first time in a long time, I felt like a failure. I had no direction in what I wanted to do. I thought about a career change. I could become a video game streamer. I watch streams all the time, how hard could it be? Get a computer, find some games, do some editing- it could be done as a 35-year-old female who has never owned a gaming computer in her life, and plays a *few* games unsuccessfully on either the Xbox, or my tablet. Ok scratch that. I could open my own private facility with clients. Yeah perfect- except I live in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment and have NONE of the required equipment to do so. Next, I thought about becoming a painter or sculptor- something I hadn't done since grade 9 art class, which I must say I did enjoy however the explosion of my clay artwork in the kiln that had destroyed numerous other students artwork memory still rings in the back of my memory banks.

I struggled. For almost 8 solid weeks I struggled. I have no clue on what is going to make me feel successful again. I watched numerous seasons of different anime shows and came to the conclusion that I have been missing out for years (yes friends you were right, I am addicted). I was spending the days watching Anime, and then spending my nights playing video games, knowing that this was not what I should be doing as much as I was. But then something happened. I stumbled onto a website (I know it is going to sound lame) but I found a writing website, and I saw a contest they were running. One for $20000 if you could write a short story about a notebook. I disregarded it at first, but over the next few days I literally could not stop thinking about what I would write. So, after 4 days of thinking about it, I made an account and started to type. I had no idea what I would be writing but for the first time in this lockdown I was beginning to feel more like myself again and was looking forward to having my alone time in which I could put my thoughts down using my keyboard. And every time I finished a paragraph, I felt a small sense of success and accomplishment. Now that being said, the contest is for a 2000-word entry, and I am currently 11000 words into something that I have not submitted yet or am anywhere near completed writing. I am writing the words in which I feel are needed to help heal my soul from things in my 35 (almost 36) years of being in this world. And it is helping.

Now I find myself writing almost daily, and as each day passes, I feel like maybe 2021 will not necessarily only be successful because of just my job, but this new passion I have found. I have made a promise to myself that I will ensure I write at least an hour a day, and that is what this is. I write this on the eve of my return to work from lockdown 2.0, and I feel ready and excited about going back. My childhood "first day of school" nerves are in high gear, and I am excited to see coworkers, members and friends. I feel ready, and I think it has something to do with being here and writing these words. I do not know if anyone will ever read these words, but there is something about the process of sitting down, and letting the words come out that is very cathartic and has helped me through this time.

And who knows maybe this could be a new career in the hiding!