Unmasked

As a therapist, I say a lot of inspirational and positive things, such as, "Love yourself, you're perfectly imperfect." or, "The world is your oyster. It is up to you to find the pearls." I mean those things when I say them to others; however, with myself, I realized that I was saying those things merely as a platitude. I do my best to wear a brave face and seem positive for the rest of the world, especially because many know I'm a therapist. I mean on my Instagram, I'm practically shooting beams of sunshine out of my ass, radiating so much positivity. It's so saccharine you need a dose of insulin to view my profile. However, when I come home, I unmask in more ways than one, not only do I remove my face mask; but, I remove the mask that everything is okay. I sit and ask myself why is it that no matter what, I keep ending up feeling unfulfilled, discontent, unappreciated, overworked, and many other unpleasant emotions. I realized that as much growth as I have done compared to who I used to be in the past, I still had to dig a little bit deeper and uncover what always seems to hold me back. I realized through working with my clients that our deepest truths usually lie beneath the parts of our stories that we seem to breeze right through. You see, I was born to a drug addicted mother. I was born three months early; and, as a result, I ended up in foster care. I got adopted by a family who was loving and nurturing when I was a baby. However, while they were just what the doctor ordered during infancy, they became venomous later; and they were abusive. They were abusive in such a way that I did not recognize it; and, they gave me everything I wanted; but, not what I needed. You see, I had plenty of material things, food, clothing, you name it. However, I did not receive unconditional love. I was not free to be my authentic self. I was not free to even fully enjoy my childhood because I was parentified. I endured sexual abuse and verbal abuse. I was also witness to a great deal of physical abuse. I was constantly put down, invalidated, and put in positions that no child should have to be in. I have told this story many times before. I thought surely I was healed because I cut my parents out of my life, I'm living in West Hollywood, I've accomplished a lot in life. However, I took a long hard look back on my life and realized that somewhere along the lines, due to my history of abuse, I developed negative core beliefs such as, "I'm not loveable", "I don't deserve to be happy", "My efforts to work hard or do my best will only be repaid with pain and disappointment." After having been abandoned by my biological mother, then, abused by the family that was supposed to rescue me, deep down I believed that if those who were supposed to love me could not love me, I must be unlovable.

On a surface level, I say I know my worth. Sure, I won't settle with the wrong guy. I know what I want in a relationship. However, I was still settling in other ways, especially in work environments. Deep down, I had to acknowledge that I had these negative core beliefs because while I have cut off my parents and other toxic individuals in my life, I still continue to attract toxic environments that parallel the dysfunction in my adoptive family. Even worse, I realized that I remain in toxic environments because on some level, I didn't think I deserve better, or that I'm capable of thriving in a healthier environment. I have been working somewhere where I am constantly overworked, unappreciated, and left feeling helpless, overwhelmed and powerless. Everyone is constantly gas lighting; and, it is a miserable environment to be in. I realized that is exactly how I felt growing up in an abusive, toxic home. Once I began to make the connections, I began to tell myself that even though others did not know how to love me, that does not mean I do not deserve love. Just because others have made me feel unheard and insignificant, that does not make my voice invalid. Just because others have not treated me as if I am valuable and worthy, that does not mean I do not have worth.

I realized I need to internalize the same positive-self talk I teach my clients. Once I began to remind myself of my worth, I began to explore other opportunities that offer more nurturing, healthier work environments. I already have two interviews set up. As I remind myself of my worth, a dramatic shift happened. I began to seek out opportunities I would have shied away from before, which is why I am now in the top 15 as one of the competitors of the Miss Jetset contest. I decided that I was no longer going to allow myself to settle for anyone or anything that does not align with my worth. It really is true that if you do not recognize what is holding you back, you will continue to attract people, work environments and experiences that reinforce your negative core beliefs; and, the moment you even begin to recognize that you deserve better and align yourself with it, things begin to shift in your favor. I used to spend so much time thinking about all the people who have abused, hurt, betrayed or disappointed me, thinking of all the apologies I never heard. Now, I know the only apology that really matters is the one from me to me. I'm sorry Jessica that I fed you lies that you are not good enough, not worthy of appreciation nor happiness. You are worthy of the peace, happiness, love, stability, and all that you desire. Remind yourself of this daily, and never settle again. Happiness and fulfillment is not just for fairytales. You did not survive being abused, even before you entered this world to keep yourself trapped and stuck in any friendship, environment nor situation that leaves you feeling empty, hurt, angry, overwhelmed, or all the things you have been feeling for too long.

I love you Jessica. May you always remind yourself of your worth and your beauty, not just in 2021 but from now until forever. You deserve to not only be well for this year, but for the rest of your life. You'll have ups and downs; but, the disappointment and tears will be more infrequent compared to the smiles, laughter, joy and peace.