Time of my life

Feeling like its right around the corner. Time slips out of my grasp like sands on a beach, the water lapping at my feet. Apprehensive. Curious and trying to ward off the fear that half the world is holding tight to. As I rise in the morning, from learning all night during dream I'm exhausted going in and the days seem to last forever and at the same time they go so fast that the year seems eaten.

A year ago at this time, I would have never guesssed that this is where I'd be right now. I'm in a better place than I was then but even so I know I'm still not where I'm supposed to be. The days are long and oh so short and we live the game inside the wormhole. Puppets are played and spun til we are dizzy in fear and darkness.

A year ago at this time I would like to think that I was young and still growing and learning and being. I've learned a lot and grown stronger, lighter, more loving, more tolerant, and definitly happier. than I was this time last year.

Last year I knew what was, and now I know what is. and somewhere in between there is where I am right now. Alone, still standing through it all. Live each day alone working sleeping and everything in between. Hoping that it all works out and we don't become the puppets. Jerking as the strings are pulled. and unable to not comply.

The time it passes and the seasons they change. The snow falls before it's winter and the leaves haven't finished falling from the tree. We haven't eaten Turkey, or pies, or mashed potatoes. We haven't decorated for the angels and the Santa clause and we didn't let the time make more of everything we've ever wanted.

Who am I to say you cannot have the love that makes you smile. We all deserve the flutter in our chest. The feeling of importance to someone in our lifes path.

What happens when we are so far apart that the darkness has completely shrunk away? What happens when you manifest and get the real thing sunny day? What then? Do you take the call and let the light right in? I've seen the snippets of the different lives the time lines that could have been. I've reached sometimes, as if to grasp the memories I wish were mine.

I understand why people leave but wonder if they ever stop to think about me. Do they ever smile thinking about my smile or the way I always can? Do they think about my laugh or my cooking or a momet of shared laughter? or do I just get left forgotten like I was never there? It's enough to destroy no matter which way you see it.

I pretend that I don't wonder but I've done it all my life. What ifs my favorite friend. Now I've found the evil in those two small words. What if. It leaves nothing to any imagination and yet it means the world. Another thing that shedding the strings has taught me.

Cut the strings and return to me. Watching it from afar. These things they come and they go and I've learned it really doesn't matter which. There is always something to hold us back and we don't take it forward anyway. Does it matter how much you have more than others. Doe it matter who has what.

I've got what I need and it matters not what. The roof over my head, the transportation to here and there. A job that pays money and maybe it's not enough but it's better than nothing for sure. We've made it through on illusions where we pretend things are going to get better even though you are still so scared to come out into the light, that you cry and cry the victim in the night.

Where did the kindness go, the love inside our hearts. When did it stop being okay to care. How to look into each other and not see the pain we are causing. How do we live on and on living when we've caused that kind of pain. Where is the Karma as it comes back around and why don't we see what's wrong. Puppets in a dark dark storm.

Some say the light is winning and that it has no choice at all. Some say it's time and theres no turning back it's just what it is on its own. The light will shine and abundance of love and kindness will reign supreme. We'll have no choice but to make the decision whether we are wanting to stay in the hells of darkness living the hell they think is somewhere else.

When you open your eyes what do you see in your perception? I see a planet of gray, the puppet strings wearing thing. I see life in a slow motion fog as it scrambles for one more day. The world I used to know still right in front of me, yet partly only a dream.

Illusions there to heal me, fogs clearing away as they go. Comfort and love for the warmth of the soft fluffy blankets. The memories of holidays gone by with people I'll never get to see again. Not in this reality anyway. Perhaps they are out there somewhere watching me, wondering if I'll ever find my light and realize my way back to them.

People coming into my life to make me learn the things I'll need. Teaching me to let go. I grasp the straw that seems like the longest life line. I tell everyone my story like a shield that I've embraced. Hiding behind the cover that it provides me.

then suddenly I'm stepping out and I'm meeting so many new. The skies are lower, the moon is bigger and the dull brightness of the day is fake compared to what used to be when I was young. Puppets in an old, old song dancing to someone elses tune.

Write your book, Sing your song, Paint the picture in the middle of your mind. Play along until its too late and you see what your are missing compared to what you must let go. Smile at your neighbor, don't worry what they do. Keep yourself on the straight and narrow in a path that just won't do.

If only could afford to just not care. Don't listen to what they tell you. Don't hate for what we all perceive this world to be. If only you could take my hand and show me all the times youv'e fallen down. If only I could take your hand and show you all the times that I have risen.

I'd love you for the pain it caused you trying, while I stop to wonder if in your eyes I even exist at all. The times they are just like sands in the ocean pushing and pulling out to sea. Water lapping at my feet and the strings hanging at my side.

Don't tell me that we had choices as you step up into line. Don't stand to close and wear your breath inside the muzzle. the love that resides deep inside. It doesn't try and judge you and helps out when I am not so strong. Tries to tell me right from wrong.

If only I had listened each time it tried to nudge me back to reality. If only I had listened as it screamed for me to run, but I cared too much of what every other person there was thinking. Now I just don't care. I'll do whatever that it takes to gets me there.

Have you slept the lessons right away. Have you taken everything for granted as the darkness held you here and told you exactly what to do and think and feel. How do we think that any of this childish behavior is okay for us to treat each other through the darkest night.

I'll shine my light. I'll do the kindest deeds and love with everything that resides inside of me. I'll hold your hand and pat your back and make sure you know you're loved. I'll take the stare or two from others as they perceive it not so well. I want nothing from the kindness that I can spare.

I'm like nobody you've ever met, and some will my flare. Others will look at my blinding brightness and not know just what to take. Some just won't see me at all they teach the most there is. Teachers that never fail to upset and keep in pain. Make your choices make them now and see the storms begin to clear. We are in a war you see and it is all around.