Time - It Is Not Infinite for Us

I think about vampires a lot. And any time I can be anything fictional, it is ALWAYS a vampire. After all, they know karate, wear leather, are rich as fuck, can kill you, and are immortal. But as I enter into my almost 35th year of life, I've only begun to understand how many moments of time I have squandered by not even being conscious they were HAPPENING. And that's where I think I have my true fasciation with vampires; they get as much time as they want.

They have infinite time to amass wealth (hence why they always seem so loaded and live in mansions with candelabras, crushed red velvet and massive staircases), knowledge, skills, and moments. And they can even piss away 200 years if they feel like it, cause they have more time than they know what to do with. And for a long time, I was really envious of this. But then I started to see how tough life really is. It is full of heartbreak, loss, ruin, and complete disillusionment lmao. And then all of a sudden, EIGHT HUNDRED YEARS OF IT DIDN'T SEEM SO GLAMOROUS lol. And all of a sudden, I was forced to realize how many moments I have lost myself.

My grandpa used to say, "Youth is wasted on the young". AND MANNNNN was he right. I recently came across a photo album my mom had kept of all her favorite Christmas moments. I am talking priceless shit. Me and my sister asleep in the living room on Christmas eve. Me playing with my easy bake oven in the hallway. Me ecstatic over my new Furby. And I realized in THAT moment, how badly I wish I could've gone back just to feel it again, cause I did not remember it. Correction: I remembered it, but I wasn't conscious of how beautiful that moment really was.

I lost my mom to suicide a few years ago. You wanna talk about squandering time? Sigh. Instead of crying to her about guys who were going to inevitably leave anyways, I wish I went out dancing with her, or on a trip to Italy, or took a class with her, or just chatted about ANYTHING ELSE BUT RELATIONSHIPS. I did not know that my last Christmas with her was my last (you never do), and we didn't even finish watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation together. A family tradition. What kind of bullshit is that?

Your youth is so precious. It is the time where you are the lightest in your heart, the most healthy, the most free (can go anywhere and do anything), your parents are likely still young and healthy too (enjoy them by the way while you can), and yet so many of us waste it with... nothingness. Smoking weed, drinking, sex - and for what? That shit is boring now. I am 35 and can do any of that any day of the week. Guess what I can't do so easily? Go back to school, climb a mountain, teach English in Bosnia, learn sign language, start a business, etc. This list can go ON. It isn't that these things aren't achievable, but things get HARDER AS YOU GET OLDER.

Why? Because suddenly you may not be so hopeful. Not as trusting. Not as jovial as before...because naturally, life has probably hurt you quite a bit by now. And having that same child-like energy and innocence isn't so readily available. Now EVERY moment counts. Now if you waste another year doing nothing, you are closer to 40. 50. 60. And before you know, you're on 11 different medications a day just to make sure you do not end up in emergency every 2 weeks.

I still do not know how to make peace with this. It has become a big focus for me. Thinking of time. Thinking of what I have wasted, lost, ruined, or quite simply, did fucking nothing.

When I see a young person crying about love, or hating school, I want to shake them, and say, listen, ENJOY this time, because when you get to your 30s, you're gonna be crying about a LOT MORE than this I can tell you. I know I am lol.