Life Isn't Perfect

I wish I was more conscious of how unconscious I was when I was a kid lol. I honestly do not think I even thought of anything. I am 34 now, and I have been reflecting on my life lately. Especially because I am not technically where I "should" be (no house, kids, marriage, or steady career). I lost my mom when I was 30 to suicide and it wasn't until that profound moment that I really even began to THINK. I have actually tried to remember what I thought about when I was even 28 and I DO NOT REMEMBER lol.

Now. To be fair to myself, I didn't really have time to think. I was so busy trying to stay emotionally stable (and sometimes failing absolutely miserably at it) while my mom was completely falling apart. When the mother goes down, the whole god dam ship goes down. The matriarch is the root of the family. And it is devastating when a family and children lose one. So, for the greater portion of my 20s, I was not going back to school for more education, climbing the corporate ladder, travelling the world, or making good relationship choices. I was busy trying to save a life (which I now know you cannot do lol), and desperately trying to keep my sanity and heart in tact.

Even though my mom took her life at the end of her life, I actually had a phenomenal childhood. My mother was amazing. She gave me so much magic, possibility, excitement, and dream-like moments, that I quite literally had no idea how grossly-real life was on the other side. While I definitely saw my mom fight, cry, get angry, get sad, feel guilty, work hard, lose - I also saw her never give up and do her BEST to put a smile on her face, all with the attitude that anything and everything can be healed, perfect, and peaceful. And I LOVE her for this. Because children need safety and predictability when they're young, otherwise they'll grow up to be serial killers.

BUT...fuck. One day, my house of perfect cards all came tumbling down. And ever since her death, shit has just gotten so real that I wonder if I ever knew what the hell I was even enjoying before. People get sick, they lose jobs, they lose houses, they lose parents, lose friends, get in fights, go broke, die, fight illness and lose, turn on each other, break your heart, end up alone, work hard and STILL lose...

*takes a massive breath in after writing that list* ... and guess what. THIS IS LIFE. NOT WHAT YOU SEE ON TV AND MOVIES. You know why they call it "programs," because you are being PROGRAMMED. Programmed on what love should look like, friendships should look like, how a real "normal" family should look like, the triumphant underdog winning in life. Listen, I know you're like, of course lady are you stupid? But just reflect, on HOW MANY times you have been let down in life because something didn't turn out the way it should have, or you didn't get what you deserved? You know why you felt that way? Because somewhere along the way, someone told you that if you do A, you'll get B. But that was algebra, not real life. There is no causality here. YOU COULD DO EVERYTHING RIGHT AND STILL "LOSE" (whatever losing means for you).

And here's the tough part. This is THE hardest part. You gotta rewire your brain to realize that that is life; the ugly, real, broken, disappointed, messy, imperfect parts. And I mean really realize this, because until you do, you're always gonna freak out. Like I do lol. I am still trying to learn this. It is SO grossly disappointing that your brain almost holds onto it for dear life because who doesn't want to believe in perfection and ideals. Sometimes this blueprint is what keeps us alive.

I lived with the blueprint that my mom was going to get better. She didn't. She died fighting. I live with my grandparents - Nonna and Nonno (Italian), and let me tell you something, getting old fucking suckssssss... they sure do not show you THAT in the movies or TV. At least not the shit I watched. I also am an aspiring comedian and actress. You wanna talk disappointment and unfairness? LMAO. Oh man, I hear more NO than I hear yes. I am talented, and I could still not book anything (talk about doing A, not getting you B, my lord). I also got in 6 car accidents in one year. THAT truly screwed me up - but I am a good driver? I was careful! And I still got hurt? Then, relationships. OH WOW. Talk about screwed over lolllllll....let down, cheated on, taken advantage of, coffee thrown in my face, restraining orders, abuse, you name it, I EXPERIENCED IT. And guess what, no causality there either!!!

I am giving you this list, because despite ALL OF THAT, those crushing moments and realizations, like dam ok this IS life, I have had to keep my heart as light as I could or I would go full blown insane here. You HAVE to keep some magic, some light, faith, belief - ALIVE. Yes this place is HAUNTINGLY real, it may even be hell (my gf said, we all just believed someone one day that this is earth and never questioned it), we do not truly know, but for the sanity of your soul and mind, try to hang on to those precious and magical glimpses of hope like you had when you were a kid.

What other option is there?