Tiger's Eye

We should have never bought the king sized bed.

I lay in the dark, somewhere between awake and dreaming. I was painfully aware of how far away my wife slept. With our previous bed, we were always close. Her freezing cold feet warm against mine. A hand on an arm. It was something that I never understood to be so important.

Now I feel like I have to have a ticket to go visit her.

I sighed and rolled over, pulling the comforter tight but sticking my bare leg out. I always slept facing out, where the cool air kept me from overheating.

The bedside table was stacked with my usual book and some father’s day cards from the kids. My phone sat in the wireless charger. For a moment I was tempted to grab it and escape from the silence but instead I just sighed. I knew better. Just go to sleep.

If only it were that easy.

____________________________________________________________________________

The morning came quicker than I wanted, as always. I was nothing if not disciplined. My wife had already left for her 5:00AM workout, and my home gym awaited.

Kids lunches, uniforms and teeth and hair brushing followed. The dog followed me around, determined that this would not be the day that I forgot to feed him. So far I was at 100% and showed no signs of that changing, yet still he wasn’t leaving it to chance.

My wife ushered the kids towards the car. I opened my mouth to say goodbye but closed it. She was already half out the door. “Bye!” her voice disappeared into the garage.

I would have loved a kiss goodbye.

Work was uneventful. I had a bit of logistic back and forth with my wife. Her texts were always warm and pleasant. Logistics were safe.

Friday night is movie night. My favourite. Popcorn and treats. Although it’s harder to find a movie the kids will all agree on. My wife sits on her phone, preferring to multi-task, but I love movies. I love getting lost in the stories and falling in love with other worlds.

The kids laugh at me when I cry at the end. My wife does too. It’s one of my favourite things because I know she loves me for it. It’s a genuine moment.

Saturday is date night. Although we don’t go anywhere or do anything. My wife dons her sweatpants and curls up with a book. I grab my book and sit beside her. Not touching. Never touching. So we sit in silence.

My book is good, but I’m biased. Just like movies I love books. I get lost in them. But the silence is painful.

Why can’t I just tell her something real? What does that make my heart feel tight or my hands clam up?

Does she feel like that? Does she care?

I know she cares. She loves me. I know that.

But we’re so far away.

I sigh. That’s enough of date night. I put my book aside and turn to say goodnight. She doesn’t look up, so I just don’t say anything and retreat into the bedroom. I’ll curl up alone. Tomorrow is a lazy day. It’ll be fun hanging out with the kids and going to yoga.

I stared at the bedside table as I fell asleep. I forgot my book in the living room.

____________________________________________________________________________

Sunday is a bustle of activity. The kids want pancakes. The dog wants to be fed. Once again, today is not the day he will trust that I’ll feed him. It’s actually my favourite thing, as much as it can be aggravating. He’s a good boy.

My wife announced that today we’re going to go to the market. Sounds fun. The kids like the ice cream. She likes to shop. I like being a part of it.

My wife drove as usual. We talked a bit about a possible vacation. I want to tell her about a story I wrote but I decide not to. She probably won’t be interested. Even as I think it I know it’s not true. I’m just hurting, and it’s hard to be vulnerable. Easier to make it her fault and not mine.

The market is crowded as usual. I love checking out the food. Should I have barbecue today? What about a crepe? I’m actually not even that hungry but the smells and the sights have me hooked. This is going to be great!

I can’t help but put my arm around my wife which she awkwardly accepts. I can feel she appreciates the gesture.

I can’t help but feel energized by the pulse of this place. Vendors are excited to serve up their offers while the smells mix together into a glorious melee of ethnic foods. I feel like I can taste everything all at once.

The craft sales are always interesting to me. I love artisan keepsakes and there’s always somebody who has a birthday coming. One booth has homemade wooden puzzles with beautiful coloring. I almost bought one, but then I remembered that I don’t have a stack of items like that in my closet that have never been touched. Maybe I just like the idea of puzzles.

Another shop has energy crystals and tarot decks. Secretly I’m fascinated by this stuff. Not enough to purchase anything, my wife would think I was crazy. But I find it fascinating to immerse myself in a different world. It’s like a dream world within our world.

I find myself closely examining a series of dragon figurines trying to come up with an excuse to purchase one.

“Excuse me.” I jump, startled by the sales lady. She smiles sweetly, and she is excited. Why is she excited?

“Hello.” I say. “Didn’t see you there.”

“Can I see your wrist?” she asks.

I’m so confused. “My wrist?”

“Yes!” She's practically vibrating. “Your wife wants to buy you a bracelet.”

I glance over. My wife is on the other side of the booth with the kids. She catches my eye but shyly looks away.

Huh.

“Ummm…okay.” I hold out my wrist so she can measure.

The lady counts to herself. “I think two more beads.” Then she disappears back behind the counter.

I glance back at my wife. She still won’t look at me.

The lady returns. “Let’s try this!” She slides a bracelet over my hand. It’s made of lava rock and the centre piece is a golden brown crystal.

The lady claps her hands in excitement. “Oh it’s so perfect!”

I hold it out in front of me. It is really cool. I love it.

I run a finger over the crystal.

“It’s Tiger’s Eye.” the lady informs me, like I’ll know what that means. I’m intrigued by this stuff, but not enough to know that information off hand.

“It’s so great.” I say.

The lady smiles and returns to the counter, where my wife pays. My kids also have stuff they’ve thrown up on the counter.

I stare at my wrist. The Tiger’s Eye glints in the light, promising me some deep dark secret.

I feel butterflies in my stomach and my eyes begin to tear up.

It’s like my heart is opening. I haven’t felt this in a long time.

A body impacts my leg, and then another and another. My kids have come over to see.

“Let’s see it daddy!” I hold my arm out proudly. “Oooooh it’s so pretty.”

I look up and my wife is walking away towards the next counter. I know it’s legit when she does that. She’s so awkward when she does meaningful things. Still, I feel a sudden inescapable urge to hold her. So I go to her.

“Thanks for this. I love it.” I say as I put my arm around her. She won’t meet my eyes but I can see her glance at it.

That’s enough. I know her well enough to know what it meant.

____________________________________________________________________________

I fell asleep that night facing the middle of the bed, content to overheat.

Behind me on the bedside table my Tiger’s Eye crystal glints in the darkness.

We held hands as we fell asleep.