Things You Need to Know If You’re Going Through a Painful Breakup

Last year my uncle died shortly after someone I loved broke up badly. I love my whole family, but I was not really close to my uncle and I didn't know him very well, so I felt sorry for my mother and aunt more than me.

As I witnessed the deep pain that surrounded me, I began to think about the expectations we always have for people when they are in the throes of separation, as opposed to the grief of death. We often expect them to feel sad for a while and then to end that. Because no one has died, after all.

I have never compared the loss of human life with the loss of a relationship, but I wonder, should we? Can't we just respect both types of losses in their own way and respect that healing takes time each time?

I know from experience that separation can awaken all sorts of complex emotions.

They can cause the pain of past tragedies - times when people we trust deceive us, ignore us, or reject us.

They can heighten feelings of shame and inadequacy, especially if we blame them for everything that went wrong.

They can burn all our fears of being alone and what we believe it means to us and to us - perhaps that we will never be happy because we are unloved, and no one will ever want us.

And they can force us to deal with the parts we would like to avoid, the pieces of the puzzle we have tried to complete with love, love for other people, and acceptance by other people.

Then there is the pain of accepting someone’s cruelty, if they weren’t emotionally mature enough to be able to get things right, take their burden in part and give some sense of closure.

None of this is easier said than done. And there is no timeline for healing.

The truth of the matter is, it takes as long as it takes. That is not to say that there is nothing we can do to help ourselves and heal ourselves. It just means that even if we do everything “right”, the pain can last a long time, and that’s okay.

It's perfectly understandable - in general, and especially now, when we are so limited in our choice to get out of the world, do the things we love, and engage with other people. All the helpful things when you try to empower and focus on yourself.

If you are experiencing heartache right now, I hope you know that you deserve a ton of debt for doing your best to get through this, especially during this mysterious, surreal time. I hope you behave yourself as you roam the cool air mine. And I hope the following pieces of advice, from sponsors of Tiny Buddha, help alleviate your pain, even if only a little:

1. It's okay if you haven't passed yet.

“Healing takes time. Give yourself grace because it is a loving thing to do.

Will you keep asking your best friend why he or she is still feeling sad? No! That would be unloving, you need kindness. Do you feel impatient with your progress or become frustrated? KINDNESS. Did you just cry for hours on the couch even though you had two amazing weeks? KINDNESS. Did you act the way you felt later? Those are the old habits that come out, my friend - GRACE. ”

~ Lauren Bolos, from Can You Come Out Strong After a Heartbreak

2. You will not feel this way forever.

“There is actually a light at the end of the depression tunnel. But the only way to reach that light is to walk on it. There is no way to go through this process, and once you start the journey of mourning and healing, you will soon reach peace.

The journey is long, but there is no race and no race. It's a journey with you. There will be days when you will feel stronger than before and some days will bring you back to your knees.

Just remember: A rollercoaster is a journey. So even if you are down, you feel like you have made no progress, remember that progress is being made every day you choose to live.

Progress is made daily and you choose not to call the person who left you.