The Trilogy of Essential Feelings - #3 Forgiveness

This is the third and final part of my little 52 Guiding Lights trilogy. The first two are below if you missed them:

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Forgiveness

We are humans, and therefore, we make mistakes.  If we could all remember that none of us is perfect, we would be a lot kinder to each other. Giving grace, kindness, and forgiveness is selfless. It can really help the person receiving it.

Many of us are quick to judge these days. I can react quickly to situations, like a grumpy old man. Then, I often have to eat humble pie and apologise. Sometimes we should think before we speak, and forgive instead of seeking revenge. Focus on the long-term rather than short-term gains.

The media and internet have opened us up to a world of outrage. We are finely tuned to seek condemnation and not forgiveness.

Biblically, the Bible tells us that forgiveness is about “letting go." Psychologists say forgiveness is a choice. It means letting go of resentment or revenge. Some say it happens even if the person doesn't deserve forgiveness.

It is not always that easy to just let go or walk away. In our minds, I think we all have a line in the sand.  Some people can find the strength to forgive anything. For others, you can only forgive once you have been forgiven. Then there are those who do not forgive anything.

Some acts people commit are unforgivable. I cannot forgive a person who murders, commits rape or abuses a child. It's tough for me to forgive people who hurt others just to benefit themselves.

Personally, I like to think of myself as a forgiving person. It may take me a little time to come around, but I usually get there. Forgiveness and forgetting are two different things. We can forgive, but we cannot always control how to forget. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. It doesn't necessarily mean you have to make up with the person who wronged or hurt you.

Forgiveness can bring a kind of peace that lets you focus on yourself and helps you move on with life. It also gives the offender a chance to fix their behavior. This can help them lead a more productive and meaningful life.

So, when should we forgive?

You can only truly forgive someone when you are ready to do so. You've dealt with their wrongs, like insults, abuse, theft, or bad-mouthing. Letting go of the anger and pain they caused is very personal. It should happen when you want it, not when they demand it.

Forgiveness is a personal choice. It means letting go of bitterness for your own peace. It doesn’t mean you forget what happened, trust the person again, or even let them back into your life.

If we think about forgiveness, it isn’t a single decision where suddenly the pain disappears. In some cases, the pain never disappears. It’s a slow unfolding, a process of softening.  It also needs reinforcement to be effective. The person needs to show remorse for true forgiveness.

It is important to accept that forgiveness is not the same as trust. Trust is something earned. Forgiveness is a process of releasing something from the past. Forgiveness is also not necessarily reconciliation. You can forgive someone but have nothing further to do with them.

The Final Word

There was a reason (in my mind) why I grouped these three emotions or feelings together. They are all choices that we make. We choose to love or not to love. We choose to be kind or not, and we choose to forgive or not.

Practising kindness and forgiveness for ourselves first helps us extend them to others. This makes the world a better place. Kindness and forgiveness are two essential aspects of love.

All three – love, kindness, and forgiveness – are processes. They don’t happen in a single moment. They develop. Some days they're harder to deal with than others. You may think you can fall in love with someone at first sight, but the depth of that love takes time to mature.

Kindness may be harder when we feel bad or wronged ourselves. Forgiveness is much more difficult if we cannot forgive ourselves.

“People need three essential feelings to be complete. One is love. One is kindness. The other is forgiveness." – Calvin London

Till next time,

Calvin