The Time I Needed

My boyfriend took this picture of me at the Naples Botanical Gardens about a month before the stay-at-home orders began being issued. We had both been busy working, so this was the first chance we had found to do something fun together. We spent the whole day walking through the gardens feeling happy and a sense of freedom as the weight of the daily grind slowly lifted off our shoulders. No one was wearing a mask and gloves. No one was concerned about staying six feet away from each other. Everyone was walking around just enjoying the sunshine and the beautiful flowers blooming all around us. I think back to that day and it still makes me smile, when I remember how amazing it had been to enjoy being alive again.

I've always worked a lot. Having two jobs or more was a normal factor in my life. At the beginning of this year I found myself starting to feel worn down mentally and physically. My first thought every morning was that I needed a break from everything, and my daily wish was that if I could take a vacation I'd feel more enthusiastic about life again. But most days I felt like I was just going through the motions of life and the days would blend together in their monotony. I had the constant feeling that I was drowning and I had no idea how to find the surface. I couldn't imagine a way out of how mentally and emotionally dead I felt. But the pandemic forced me to slow down and it helped me to rediscover my life again.

I’m not going to lie. I was looking forward to the shutdown going into affect in Florida. I had been feeling like I needed a break and now the universe was giving me one. I lost my sales job when the company decided to close all their stores, but thankfully, my other job allowed me to work from home. The moment I started working from home, I was filled with gratefulness and relief. Being told to stay at home and not go anywhere was a dream come true for my introverted soul. The virus gave me the time I had been so desperately craving to slow down, and I was able to confront some personal demons I had been avoiding for many years.

I've always been serious and more interested in books than talking to people, or going out anywhere. And for most of my life, I've repressed and tried to ignore my struggle with depression. I thought that if I pushed my dark emotions down into a deep hole in my mind that they would eventually just go away. But instead it made them more difficult to deal with when they pushed to the surface, and this time at home has forced me to confront them, instead of continuing to bury them. When this year began I felt hopeless and there were days I would wonder what the point of my existence was. But I feel a little more hopeful now. I don't have all the answers, but I'm at peace and happy with my life in a way that I haven't been in very long time.

This year has been one unfortunate event after another, which have stripped our lives of all sense of normalcy. But despite everything that has gone on and whatever the rest of this year throws at us, there is always something to be thankful for. And I hope that as we all head back out into the world and get used to the new normal, that we keep in mind how important it is to spend as much time as possible with the people we love. Time is fleeting and it's something that you can't get back once it's gone.