the sweet spot of uncertainty

Uncertainty.

Something completely out of my character. Something very overwhelming for a lady who has always craved maintaing a safety net and some sense of security for herself. Something that beckons you away from the comfort of familiarity and your perceived comfort zone.

Uncertainty is that sweet spot in life where miraculous experiences have the possibility of manifesting themselves. Some of the greatest moments in my life, and certainly most memorable, have come from out of the blue surprises. No expectations, no pre-conceived notions, nothing limiting the endless possibility of what it turned out to be. But it's strange that even though I hold on to those memories with satisfied admiration, I still struggle to totally embrace living in uncertainty. That place of being where I allow the limitless possbilities to even show up.

I have a delicious habit of conditioning my experiences and imagining what I would ideally like them to look like and turn out to be. And while I do find some success in developing a general blue print for what I want out of my experiences, I notice that I get too stuck on what I want the outcome to be. I ruin both my perception of the reality that is and the opportunity to make something better out it. It's like I live in a heightened fantasy of what I want my reality to be only to be grounded (and sometimes emotionally buried) by the reality that is right before me. But the vicious cycle continues because I know my only real form of comfort out of that situation is by once again creating a fantasy to live in that I find happy to deal with. And the cycle goes on, and on, and on.... My drug, you could say, is self-delusion. It's easy to get my hits because it's not like I have to go anywhere external to get my fix. My thoughts cost me nothing but the ruination of my future experiences because I'm never truly living in what they actually are.

I've noticed this to a point to where it's completely unavoidable, so I felt drawn to learn how to change it. The most talked about concept that keeps coming into my experience is embracing uncertainty and releasing your need to control a situatiton. And good god, does that sound easy on paper. It's very backwards for me to think that I have to let go of control of my external reality when I've constantly been conditioned to the understanding that you create your own reality. Like what, the heck do you want me to do: nothing or everything?

Maybe it was even releasing my need to answer that question that finally got me to understanding the beauty of realeasing control. When I don't put so much pressure on myself to control my environment, I feel at peace. My mind doesn't have to work constantly to navigate where I'm going every second of every day. And also, I feel less of a need to escape my experience by dropping into a fantasy complex. I can simply exist with a more silent mind. That was the real bliss that I didn't know I needed. And so, in this new space where I don't live by my thoughts and don't need to be attached to what I want a situation to be, I can truly accept reality for what it is. I don't have to run from it. With no more self-imposed chaos from my thoughts and no more attachment to the temporary fix of fantasy, I can just be. And somehow, navigating through reality is simpler. In being happy with my present experience, I don't feel any sort of lack or need to fixate on what I want out of an desired outcome.

And so here I am now, learning what it means to live within the sweet spot of uncertainty. The ticket to getting here is accepting the present reality as it is and not feeling like you have to change it. You must simply accept. And in that acceptance, you start allowing new possibilities to come to you. They say you miss the things that you aren't able to look at. When your not stuck in your headspace, you are able to look at all the limitless blessings that naturally flow to and fro throughout life on a daily basis. And sometimes, you're gonna find something that is truly incredible that you never could have possibly imagined. Give yourself a chance to allow that into your life and have true appreciation for it. The familiar is comfortable, but the unknown is magical.