The Struggle of Worthiness

Laying down on my yoga mat at the end of my exercise class, we spend five minutes meditating and reflecting. A phrase they share often is "You deserve this moment of peace." This is meant to be a soothing finish to a difficult workout, but it often derails me. Each time my mind starts to wander.

Why do I deserve this moment?

Because I am able to pay for it?

Because I have kids?

What qualifies me to actually DESERVE it?

I can tell you what I believe I deserve, and it's quite a few steps down from lying on a mat on the ground. There are millions of other things I could be doing. Things that could benefit others. Things that would be less selfish or entitled. There are millions of PEOPLE who deserve it more than me. Yet here I lay, and I have trouble believing I belong here more than anyone or anywhere else.

And before you know it, the class is over and my meditative moment was used degrading myself mentally.

I struggle a lot with self-sabotage. It's kind of my thing. —hair flip— However, I really would love to enjoy that small moment as I assume the other women in the room are. So this time I decided to go home and write a list of reasons I DO deserve it.

It did not come out how I imagined it would. I thought maybe I would write about how many errands I run or how many chores I do. But when I started writing something different came out. I looked up from my paper after my last line and said out loud: "That. Is. Fucking. Profound."

Breakthrough!

I have tried it all. Mediation. Yoga. Hot bubble baths. Affirmations. Taking mental health days. Etc. Everything felt so self-indulgent and gross with my mindset that I was undeserving and I could not talk myself out of that mindset with logical, tangible things. But this time something just clicked.

This little list has begun to change my entire self-deprecating mindset and in turn change my life. Little by little. I thought I would share in hope to inspire a breakthrough for someone else.

I started my list with a mantra I don't quite believe yet, but someday hope to:

I am a good person.

I love and approve of myself.

I forgive my mistakes and take them as lessons.

Then I tried to only write things I truly believed about myself:

I appreciate the beauty in nature.

I celebrate the good in others.

I have consistent good intentions.

I aspire to learn and grow.

I respect my emotions and allow myself to express them.

I am a child of this Earth.

All of Earth's creatures deserve love.

I am inspired by the joy in others.

Others can see light in me.

I encourage others to think positively.

I trust that I am on the right path.

I put energy into things that matter to me.

I am becoming closer to my true self every day.

I am learning valuable lessons everyday.

I am on a difficult journey with no destination.

I am making a difference in this world SIMPLY BY EXISTING IN IT.

That last line really hit me. I may have heard it before, but this time it hit just right. I am not a bystander of this world, as I sometimes feel. I am an active participant and I can choose to make my interactions positive or negative. I can't sit this one out; it's not actually possible.

The more vulnerable I make myself in this world, the more at home I feel in it. Let's all heal together.