The Feelings You Wanted Me to Feel.

All my life you raised me one way. One very specific way. With certain ideals, certain beliefs.

Telling me that if I challenged or strayed from those that I was wrong. That I was lost. That I was confused. That I had fallen off the path. That is wasn’t the way things were supposed to be or how I was supposed to be. That it wasn’t “right.”

Judging all around me, family and friends how you were better and how they were wrong. Had made bad decisions. Thought they were raised better. Felt like they were headed down a bad path.

Being raised to believe that if I did not live a certain way and do certain things that I didn’t deserve happiness. That I didn’t deserve love from anyone because I would never get it from the only person who you believed mattered who you thought our lives were meant to spend earning approval and try to be deserving of’s love. Never thinking that maybe there’s alot more to life and that you deserve so much more than living like that.

Living for something or someone other than yourself. Making yourself happy. Loving yourself. Being yourself. Being a good person.

Being a good person not because of what religion, race, political affiliation, job, body art, family you come from, how you were raised, or any other things you might believe in but because of who you actually are as a personal inside beneath it all. At the end of the day, what your heart looks like.

Never any actual reasoning. Just that it wasn’t right. Or that it wasn’t what the beliefs that you held and that I was supposed to say. Never encouraged to question or think on my own. Because you never did. And because of that all you knew was to discourage mine. Just because “that was the way things are supposed to be.” And somewhere along the line you learned to accept that and to not actually ask why. Maybe because it was easier. To follow and not to have to lead yourself.

To play by the rules of something existing rather than living outside of any sort of lines and actually living.

There was always a part of me that wasn’t just satisfied with the things I was told, without asking questions, and without thinking for myself. Living inside the lines trying to live some sort of perfect love but never even being allow to look at what was outside of them.

Having to live with the belief that there was only right way to believe, to live, to think. That I was better than others simply because my beliefs were supposed to be superior to others. That I was more holy. That I was a better person. That my whole existence was simply to live in a way that would make others want to be more “perfect” like me.

Always seeking a perfect that was dependent on the wrong things. External praises and validation rather than internal. Never encouraged to try to find myself in the freest sense of the word. Never encouraged to think about myself first, my happiness first, or what I wanted. Told that what I feel should never matter, only what I am told. Constantly told to chase and do things that I didn’t even really know why I was other than that I was told that I “needed” to. That I would never be good enough without trying to always seek to be good enough in the eyes of my parents and the god that they taught me I should believe in. “The only way, the right way.”

Instilling a sense of needing approval from people and things other than myself. Needing direction from external means rather than trusting my internal compass. Repressing feelings that didn’t fit. Shutting down thoughts that challenged. Doing things just because I knew I was supposed to not because I wanted to. And learning to answer questions with phrases that didn’t actually answer them and words that I was conditioned were supposed to satisfy them. Told that thinking about myself first was selfish and self-serving. Putting my happiness first was wrong. Closing my mind and eyes to anything that wasn’t defined as “right” or “biblically correct.” Doing things simply because I was told to do them or because I was expected to. Living with blinders on thinking that I would never really truly be happy. That life is just about going through the motions.

Believing that I never deserved anything good or at least it not to last if it wasn’t something that fell into your definition of what was good. What was okay. Never feeling okay about getting enjoyment or pleasure if what I got it from was "wrong" even if in reality it wasn't.

Living walking on egg shells not wanting to step wrong. Not even realizing how I allowed myself to live such a limited life for so long. That I accepted so many things when I should have challenged but that I just didn’t know any better. Accepting beliefs that I didn't understand. Hate that I didn't know why I was supposed to feel. Dislike for things and people that I was never told why. Things I wasn't allowed to do or see just because. Trying to constantly be protected from anything that could be "bad" for me. The only reason for things I was ever given was just because of religion. Taught to fear the things of the secular world out of fear that they might decieve or misdirect me. Wondering why I was taught all the things that I told that I was required to believe and embrace at the time never given a choice or a thought to question.

Confused as to why I wasn't able to just be like everyone else and do the things they did, like the things they did. Creating so much inner conflict as to what true right and wrong, good and evil were. Lacking confidence and self worth in myself apart from what was felt because I “followed the way and did the right things.” Or that I was a “good daughter” in the way that you defined that. Never really knowing what I wanted just doing what I was told and what I thought I was supposed to do. Never being able to choose or asked what I really wanted or what made me happy.

Never being free to express what I thought or my opinion unless it aligned with the doctrine and thought pattern of what I was supposed to follow and believe in.

To make you proud not caring about my own happiness. To try to live the life you wanted for me because that’s what I thought was expected of me and that I didn’t deserve to live if I didn’t live that kind of life. To "honor" my parents because that was what I was told I was always supposed to do and seek. Constantly trying to be good enough for you and in what you believed in. Because I was taught that love was earned not just given. Conditional and that it isn’t the most important thing if you don’t agree with others because beliefs and views are the priority. And now you wonder why I always questioned where the line would be with your love. Why I never saw it as something unconditional.

Because the beliefs you hold, the things that matter most to you are the kinds that draw hard lines in all sorts of directions. The kinds of lines that make it unable to even see the other side or the other person if “they force that line” by simply being different, wanting to live differently, and by being themselves. And now I realize that when given the space to actually think and breathe for myself that I am one of those people. And I know how you see those people.

Constantly try not to let you down until I realized that it’s not me that would ever let you down. It would be you letting me down by thinking that I let you down by being my own person, by becoming my own person in all the ways that would mean. It’s not my responsibility if you are disappointed because of your own expectations and dreams for someone else.

All my life until I finally starting to find my own way, my own thoughts, and my happiness in those things I felt like I needed your approval and tried to meet even exceed your expectations because I thought it was the only way you’d love me. I didn’t feel a sense of individuality or happiness. I never felt like I was enough. Like what you wanted from me and for me to be was never-ending, an unattainable list of demands that weren’t what in actuality I wanted for myself. Living for you and not just for myself because I thought that if I did that was wrong.

All the shame. All the guilt. All the expectations. All the things you wanted from me. For me. All the things you still do. The responsibility to try to fulfill those and to not find my way but to find “the way” that you wanted me to.

They’re not mine. They’re not mine to hold or bear. They never were. I carried them for so long thinking they were. Allowing you to control my life and overstep your boundaries out of fear of losing your love or not being good enough to be your daughter. Out of a sense of obligation that I thought I owed to you for the life that you gave me by saving me from the life that I could have had, of just being my parents and thinking I had to repay you somehow. Of never wanting you to feel like I wasn't grateful.

I know now I have never owed you anything. I held those feelings for so long when I never should have embraced them no matter how much they tried to be pushed upon me. They were never mine to carry or to be used to control me, "keep me in line." The ways that I was raised with trying to keep me on the "straight and narrow" out of fear that I might experience life and think for myself is why so many people raised similar either get comfortable and continue that way their whole lives, have some sort of crazy rebel phase where they get into trouble, or they allow themselves to find happiness and themselves never wanting to be restricted into such a confining way of living and thinking ever again (shying away from any sort of structured thinking and close mindedness). Typically, one of the first two.

People aren't meant to be hindered and bound in the way they think, express themselves, and in how they learn to find happiness. The outcomes of people who have felt this way speaks to this plenty.

It's easy to follow and live by specific guidelines and not allow the things you think and hold close to your heart to be shaken up and challenged once in a while. But, what's the point of life if you aren't open to the evolution of it and allow it to happen within you. Stunting your growth and those who you try to imprint your views and beliefs onto.

I’ve never felt like I’ve been free and that has always been something I’ve always been in charge of. That the only person who could free me was me and all this time I thought someone else could and looked for it in everyone except for myself. By unloading the things that have been weighing my down. The things that have held me back, held me down. The things that I couldn’t always see but could always feel. Even when it was easier to just pretend like you didn’t exist and I lived my own life that you didn’t know existed.

“she’s torn between who she was, who she is, and who she wants to be.”

-Unknown

All the conflicting things that I feel from what I was raised in to the person I am now. Separating the sense of who I am and the things I should feel from the things that I thought because I was told and the things that were projected onto me handed to me as responsibility I thought I was supposed to have and feel. From who I always felt like you wanted me to be and who I was supposed to be to who I am now. Who I’m more happy being than I ever felt an ounce of pretending who to be before. Who I’ve found and figured out without anyone else needing to hold my hand and lead me along.

Full of consciousness and self-awareness. Not constricted by the things that limited me that I was raised to believe I was supposed to build my self and live my life within the bounds of. Trying to find happiness for myself from inside me and outside of me that aren’t the things I was taught to believe were the only ways to find a sense of it. Finding peace that comes from within not from feeling like you are worthy of it only if you are good and perfect. But giving yourself that peace, find that peace for yourself. Learning how to be a good person without needing to live by a set of guidelines that dictate how good you are or how good someone else is.

As I’ve been able to separate my identity and sense of individuality away from the one ingrained into me, I’ve learned just how tangled everything feels inside of me and how endless the sorting seems to be. Between what is real and what isn’t. What actually is good, what I was taught to believe was good. What is truly right versus the things that I was told to believe that were right. What in the world is actually harmful and bad and what they just wanted me to believe was. If the questions I always asked were good and it was just that they didn’t want me to question. What actually matters in life versus what I thought for so long mattered. What parts I want to keep that I feel are parts of the person I want to be and what parts I am only keeping because I think I should.

Separating the behaviors and thoughts of who I believed I should be for years from who I actually am. Beliefs, opinions, and ideas that I was raised with and around that I thought were parts of me too and now asking myself if any of that was actually me and if there are any pieces of it now that are or if it was all fake. Separating what it all even meant to me and what it was supposed to. Separating what I learned, what I want to keep, and what I want to leave in the past. Separate my actual feelings about it all and about those beliefs and ideals. If I still like certain aspects of it because I really like them or if it's just part of me trying to hold onto those parts of me even though I don't want those parts but don't want to completely let go because I hate the thought of "turning your back" on something.

Separating all the ways and perceptions of people and things in life that were skewed and wrongfully placed as the right way to see those things at the time. Separating what parts of my identity that were molded and crafted to a certain image are actually me, the me that I am now and not just the me who I operated as in the past. Separating the things I felt because of people wanting to control me and actually thinking it was best for me. Wondering why I had started to embrace and think I had found who I was within the idea my parents had raised me into becoming. The guilt and shame that I’ve felt for diverting and where it comes from, giving back all the things that don’t belong to me. Things that I never wanted or asked her but I was told to open my hands and accept.

Embracing the idea that life is about so much more than I was ever allow to think before.

Separating that loving myself in all aspects, getting to know myself, and putting myself first isn't wrong even though I was raised to think contrary. Separating learning to love myself for who I am now and all the things that make me that person and a part of me hating, feeling bad for going against everything I was taught and who I was raised to be. What was religious control tactics and fear. If there was any good. Trying to separate what was real and what was fake.

Trying to find my way and truest version of my self in the midst of everything that happens internally navigating through the waves of my present self and my past self clashing over and over again. Knowing that I’ll make it to the other side but the journey won’t be easy, one day at a time. Some days feel like I’m drowning while others like I’m flying. Some like I’ve figured it all out and others when I question if I’ll ever figure it all out.

I’m not wrong for being myself. For finding myself. For wanting to be happy and doing things that make me happy. For not fitting into who you wanted and thought I should be.

It's not my responsibility to keep alive your dreams and live up to your expectations. You’re wrong for ever expecting that.

I always had this fear of not being good enough for you and losing you and your love but it wasn’t me that should have actually been afraid of that, it was you.

Because now that I’ve given you a chance to show that you didn’t just love me as the idea of who you always imagine me and wanted me to be but who I actually am, that’s a chance you don’t waste. I’ll give back all the feelings that don’t belong to me that you try to put on to me. And most of all, I’ll do what is best for me and what I need even if it’s hard. I will not continue to live a life anymore where I make choices out of fear from you or the loss of you or because of feel some sort of indebtedness to you. I’ll let go and refuse to accept all the things that you’ve gotten accustomed to putting onto me and making me feel taking away the things that don’t belong in my life anymore and the people if necessary along with them. I will be free because I want to be. Because I deserve to be. Giving everything to myself that I once thought I needed other people for, to find in other things. Taking my power back and my happiness with it.

Life is about growth not stagnation. A natural process that happens whether you move with it or stand still. People progress and people evolve sometimes for bad but mainly for the good.

I’m growing and that is something that will happen whether you are in my life or not. I need you to respect that if you want to stay in it starting with taking back the responsibility that you’ve wanted me to carry all this time. Encouraging my growth and me becoming my own person and not being the same little girl that you once knew who you were able to guide however you pleased. You don’t have to grow but that doesn’t mean that I will sit by and accept that for me. I won’t be changed by you or move backwards so if you want to stay in the past with that shadow of who I used to be then that’s where you will stay.

I want a limitless life and that means not being limited by the conditioning of my past, growing past it. Because I want to be happy and don’t ever want that happiness to be dependent on other people, things, beliefs, or ideals ever again. That may be the way you want to live but it’s not the way that I will live mine.

Being afraid and refusing to listen or be around people who are different than you in the lives they live, perspectives they have, and choices that they make is only limiting you. Allowing you to stay in a safe, comfortable bubble not growing not challenging yourself to be better, to think bigger. There is really only one person that being so set in your ways that you are unable to see or hear anyone else’s only hurts you. Opportunities presented to you for you to grow and learn not necessarily change which is what I think you fear but become a more well-rounded person able to see the world and life in ways you never allowed yourself to before. You can stay in comfort or you can dare to want more for yourself and your life.

Life has so much to offer and teach than the things that we limit our own world to on a daily basis, you just have to be willing to step outside the comfort zone you’ve allowed yourself to only exist in. Because those are the kinds of people that will change the world able to help others in ways some of us will never be able to understand. Those are the people that are able to reach others most not because of their views or opinions but because of their hearts and level of understanding. Respect is a two way street.

You've tried for as long as I can remember to paint me with all the color you wanted to and create the picture you wanted of who you wanted me to be and now I'm learning that those were never the colors I wanted to use to create the picture of me I wanted to create.

The goodness of the person I am now should not be dependent on my life choices, my beliefs, or my opinions or ideas. That’s not how you define the value of someone as a person and if you feel you are better than them or not. If you need to “help them or fix them.”

It’s about their heart, how they see the world, how they love themselves, and how they treat people. Those are the things that matter and make up people’s character not all the other superficial things that you’d raised me to believe mattered and made someone a good person or not.

Until you learn that, I’ll never be “good enough” for you but at least I’ll always be good enough for me.

All these things you’ve tried to give me. Wanting me to take as my own. Hold as my responsibility. They were never mine. I know that now.

“Being “raised right” doesn't mean you don't drink, party, and smoke. Being raised right is how you treat people, your manners & respect.”

-Karan Guar