The Broke College Grad Diaries

For those of you who have watched my YouTube videos or who know me personally, I started a video series meant to inspire and inform people about life after graduating college. I ended up only making one video and it was the last video to air on my channel. I loved making YouTube videos and I loved the concept behind this series even more but, I just wasn't able to make it work with my life at the time.

It's been about two years since I made that video but it feels like it's been five. A lot has happened since then and many changes have taken place in my life. I want to continue this series with the same hope I had a year ago -- to inspire others and to make people feel less alone in the crazy, confusing world we live in. Maybe I can teach you something or give you a new perspective you might not have otherwise seen.

Without further ado, welcome to the second part and first written installment of The Broke College Grad Diaries!

The years following my college graduation were some of the most difficult I've faced, emotionally. After graduating, I realized that the major I studied for four years wasn't a field I wanted to work in. Also, I had just proclaimed my gayness to the world a few months before graduation so I had a whole lot to explore; another part of me that was allowed to see the light of day, finally. As free as I felt, I was also very confused.

There were a lot of 'what ifs' floating around in my head. What if I chose not to go to college? What if I chose a different major? I was a 22 year old gay man who had never dated anyone before, so there was a lot of uncertainty surrounding that too. What if I try harder to impress him? What if I'm unlikable? What if I'm unattractive? What if I'll be alone forever?

'What if' became my two favorite words and I began to see my life only through a 'what if' perspective. This way of thinking really held me back from enjoying life as I questioned every decision I made or needed to make, every social interaction, and everything I thought I knew about myself. Everyday I woke up worrying and every night I would go to sleep worrying, too. And I never talked about how I was feeling or how I viewed my life which led to some really dark, depressing times.

I was dissatisfied with my life and I saw no way of changing it. I felt so incredibly alone and out of place in this world; like I'd never find my way to fit in.

One day I received a call from my mom to tell me that my grandfather was diagnosed with cancer and that he was going to have to start treatment soon. In that moment, I felt so helpless and angry. I was an unemployed, broke, college graduate who had no idea what to do with his life and no way of helping his family. I had to just sit by and hope that everything would turn out okay. Once again, 'what ifs' invaded my mind.

What if I had tried harder in school? What if I had more drive to take a job even if I hate it? What if I had followed my heart and created a YouTube channel earlier? What if I was wealthy enough to help people?

Regret was all that I felt for my life at that point. Everyday I wished to be able to go back and have a chance at changing how things played out. But I was stuck in the present, with nothing but regret for my life. I asked the universe why would you make me feel so much for people but incapable of doing anything for them? I felt useless and I didn't want to exist anymore.

One day I went on my usual walk to try and clear my mind, and I decided I would listen to a new album by someone who is now one of my favorite artists -- Ariana Grande. Her Sweetener album had recently come out and as I listened to her music, I was filled with a huge amount of joy! Though we lived in completely different worlds, her lyrics showed an understanding of some of the pain I was in. This likely sounds cliché or cheesy especially coming from a gay man, but believe me when I tell you that this music was the beginning of a new understanding of life.

Listening to her music woke up my creative mind and I felt the urge to write. And so I wrote. I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote, until I had nothing left to write. My life, my feelings and emotions were flowing from pen to paper with every word; it seemed like a big sigh of relief was finally being let out. Finally, I was able to self-reflect and express my emotions to my family and friends and even to strangers who need an understanding figure.

Self-reflection helped me see my life through a new perspective and I realized that all my anxiety came from a fear of making mistakes and a desire to maintain a perception of perfection in front of others -- especially my family. Having been pretty independent most of my life and able to figure out most things by myself, it was completely jarring when real adulthood started, and I had to admit I had no idea what I was doing. But, I learned to no longer regret my past choices or be fearful of the future ahead because I could trust myself, in the present, to do the right thing.

Don't get the wrong idea, these lessons were not learned over night. It started that day with Ariana's album, but it took about two years to really grasp these lessons and it can still be a challenge some days. My advice to you is this -- don't allow yourself to bottle up your emotions and find what works for you to express them and be open to communicating how you're feeling. Also, don't be afraid of being imperfect or making mistakes. Life is full of 'em but every mistake has it's lesson and as long as you're learning, you're not failing. Finally, life is unpredictable. You think you have it figured out one day and the next, it all falls apart. But I believe that everything happens for a reason and that if you look hard enough, you'll understand that everything is as it's meant to be.

Thankfully my grandfather survived cancer and I'm doing better than ever with my mental health! Can't say life is perfect (because that doesn't exist, right?), but I'm really happy to be where I am.

Thank you for reading this chapter of The Broke College Grad Diaries! I hope you enjoyed and possibly even learned something from my story. Until next time!

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