The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

The Social/Emotional Dimension

While the physical, spiritual, and mental dimensions are closely related to Habits 1, 2, and 3

—centered on the principles of personal vision, leadership, and management—the

social/emotional dimension focuses on Habits 4, 5, and 6—centered on the principles of

interpersonal leadership, empathic communication, and creative cooperation.

The social and the emotional dimensions of our lives are tied together because our emotional

life is primarily, but not exclusively, developed out of and manifested in our relationships with

others.

Renewing our social/emotional dimension does not take time in the same sense that renewing

the other dimensions does. We can do it in our normal everyday interactions with other people.

But it definitely requires exercise. We may have to push ourselves because many of us have not

achieved the level of Private Victory and the skills of Public Victory necessary for Habits 4, 5,

and 6 to come naturally to us in all our interactions.

Suppose that you are a key person in my life. You might be my boss, my subordinate, my

coworker, my friend, my neighbor, my spouse, my child, a member of my extended family—

anyone with whom I want or need to interact. Suppose we need to communicate together, to

work together, to discuss a jugular issue, to accomplish a purpose or solve a problem. But we see

things differently; we’re looking through different glasses. You see the young lady, and I see the

old woman.

So I practice Habit 4. I come to you and I say, “I can see that we’re approaching this situation

differently. Why don’t we agree to communicate until we can find a solution we both feel good

about. Would you be willing to do that?” Most people would be willing to say “yes” to that.

Then I move to Habit 5. “Let me listen to you first.” Instead of listening with intent to reply, I

listen empathically in order to deeply, thoroughly understand your paradigm. When I can explain

your point of view as well as you can, then I focus on communicating my point of view to you so

that you can understand it as well.

Based on the commitment to search for a solution that we both feel good about and a deep

understanding of each other’s points of view, we move to Habit 6. We work together to produce

third alternative solutions to our differences that we both recognize are better than the ones either

you or I proposed initially.

Success in Habits 4, 5, and 6 is not primarily a matter of intellect; it’s primarily a matter of

emotion. It’s highly related to our sense of personal security.

If our personal security comes from sources within ourselves, then we have the strength to

practice the habits of Public Victory. If we are emotionally insecure, even though we may be

intellectually very advanced, practicing Habits 4, 5, and 6 with people who think differently on

jugular issues of life can be terribly threatening.

Where does intrinsic security come from? It doesn’t come from what other people think of us

or how they treat us. It doesn’t come from the scripts they’ve handed us. It doesn’t come from

our circumstances or our position.

It comes from within. It comes from accurate paradigms and correct principles deep in our

own mind and heart. It comes from inside-out congruence, from living a life of integrity in which

our daily habits reflect our deepest values.

I believe that a life of integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. I do not

agree with the popular success literature that says that self-esteem is primarily a matter of mind

set, of attitude—that you can psych yourself into peace of mind.

Peace of mind comes when your life is in harmony with true principles and values and in no

other way.

There is also the intrinsic security that comes as a result of effective interdependent living.

There is security in knowing that Win/Win solutions do exist, that life is not always “either/or,”

that there are almost always mutually beneficial Third Alternatives. There is security in knowing

that you can step out of your own frame of reference without giving it up, that you can really,

deeply understand another human being. There is security that comes when you authentically,

creatively and cooperatively interact with other people and really experience these

interdependent habits.

There is intrinsic security that comes from service, from helping other people in a meaningful

way. One important source is your work, when you see yourself in a contributive and creative

mode, really making a difference. Another source is anonymous service—no one knows it and

no one necessarily ever will. And that’s not the concern; the concern is blessing the lives of other

people. Influence, not recognition, becomes the motive.

Victor Frankl focused on the need for meaning and purpose in our lives, something that

transcends our own lives and taps the best energies within us. The late Dr. Hans Selye, in his

monumental research on stress, basically says that a long, healthy, and happy life is the result of

making contributions, of having meaningful projects that are personally exciting and contribute

to and bless the lives of others. His ethic was “earn thy neighbor’s love.”

In the words of George Bernard Shaw,

This is the true joy in life—that being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. That being a force of

nature, instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to

making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live it is my privilege to

do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die. For the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for

its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It’s a sort of splendid torch which I’ve got to hold up for the moment and I want to

make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

N. Eldon Tanner has said, “Service is the rent we pay for the privilege of living on this earth.”

And there are so many ways to serve. Whether or not we belong to a church or service

organization or have a job that provides meaningful service opportunities, not a day goes by that

we can’t at least serve one other human being by making deposits of unconditional love.

SCRIPTING OTHERS

Most people are a function of the social mirror, scripted by the opinions, the perceptions, the

paradigms of the people around them. As interdependent people, you and I come from a

paradigm which includes the realization that we are a part of that social mirror.

We can choose to reflect back to others a clear, undistorted vision of themselves. We can

affirm their proactive nature and treat them as responsible people. We can help script them as

principle-centered, value-based, independent, worthwhile individuals. And, with the Abundance

Mentality, we realize that giving a positive reflection to others in no way diminishes us. It

increases us because it increases the opportunities for effective interaction with other proactive

people.

At some time in your life, you probably had someone believe in you when you didn’t believe

in yourself. They scripted you. Did that make a difference in your life?

What if you were a positive scripter, an affirmer, of other people? When they’re being

directed by the social mirror to take the lower path, you inspire them toward a higher path

because you believe in them. You listen to them and empathize with them. You don’t absolve

them of responsibility; you encourage them to be proactive.

***

Perhaps you are familiar with the musical Man of La Mancha. It’s a beautiful story about a

medieval knight who meets a woman of the street, a prostitute. She’s being validated in her lifestyle

by all of the people in her life.

But this poet knight sees something else in her, something beautiful and lovely. He also sees

her virtue, and he affirms it, over and over again. He gives her a new name—Dulcinea—a new

name associated with a new paradigm.

At first, she utterly denies it; her old scripts are overpowering. She writes him off as a wildeyed

fantasizer. But he is persistent. He makes continual deposits of unconditional love and

gradually it penetrates her scripting. It goes down into her true nature, her potential, and she

starts to respond. Little by little, she begins to change her life-style. She believes it and she acts

from her new paradigm, to the initial dismay of everyone else in her life.

Later, when she begins to revert to her old paradigm, he calls her to his deathbed and sings

that beautiful song, “The Impossible Dream,” looks her in the eyes, and whispers, “Never forget,

you’re Dulcinea.”

***

One of the classic stories in the field of self-fulfilling prophecies is of a computer in England that

was accidently programmed incorrectly. In academic terms, it labeled a class of “bright” kids

“dumb” kids and a class of supposedly “dumb” kids “bright.” And that computer report was the

primary criterion that created the teachers’ paradigms about their students at the beginning of the

year. When the administration finally discovered the mistake five and a half months later, they

decided to test the kids again without telling anyone what had happened. And the results were

amazing. The “bright” kids had gone down significantly in IQ test points. They had been seen

and treated as mentally limited, uncooperative, and difficult to teach. The teachers’ paradigms

had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

But scores in the supposedly “dumb” group had gone up. The teachers had treated them as

though they were bright, and their energy, their hope, their optimism, their excitement had

reflected high individual expectations and worth for those kids.

These teachers were asked what it was like during the first few weeks of the term. “For some

reason, our methods weren’t working,” they replied. “So we had to change our methods.” The

information showed that the kids were bright. If things weren’t working well, they figured it had

to be the teaching methods. So they worked on methods. They were proactive; they worked in

their Circle of Influence. Apparent learner disability was nothing more or less than teacher

inflexibility.

***

What do we reflect to others about themselves? And how much does that reflection influence

their lives? We have so much we can invest in the Emotional Bank Accounts of other people.

The more we can see people in terms of their unseen potential, the more we can use our

imagination rather than our memory, with our spouse, our children, our coworkers or employees.

We can refuse to label them—we can “see” them in new fresh ways each time we’re with them.

We can help them become independent, fulfilled people capable of deeply satisfying, enriching,

and productive relationships with others.

Goethe taught, “Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is. Treat a man as he can and

should be and he will become as he can and should be.”