The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

THE “HAVE’S” AND THE “BE’S”

One way to determine which circle our concern is in is to distinguish between the have’s and

the be’s. The Circle of Concern is filled with the have’s:

“I’ll be happy when I have my house paid off.”

“If only I had a boss who wasn’t such a dictator…”

“If only I had a more patient husband…”

“If I had more obedient kids…”

“If I had my degree…”

“If I could just have more time to myself…”

The Circle of Influence is filled with the be’s—I can be more patient, be wise, be loving. It’s

the character focus.

Anytime we think the problem is “out there,” that thought is the problem. We empower

what’s out there to control us. The change paradigm is “outside-in”—what’s out there has to

change before we can change.

The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out: to be different, and by being

different, to effect positive change in what’s out there—I can be more resourceful, I can be more

diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative.

One of my favorite stories is one in the Old Testament, part of the fundamental fabric of the

Judeo-Christian tradition. It’s the story of Joseph, who was sold into slavery in Egypt by his

brothers at the age of seventeen. Can you imagine how easy it would have been for him to

languish in self-pity as a servant of Potiphar, to focus on the weaknesses of his brothers and his

captors and on all he didn’t have? But Joseph was proactive. He worked on be. And within a

short period of time, he was running Potiphar’s household. He was in charge of all that Potiphar

had because the trust was so high.

Then the day came when Joseph was caught in a difficult situation and refused to compromise

his integrity. As a result, he was unjustly imprisoned for thirteen years. But again he was

proactive. He worked on the inner circle, on being instead of having, and soon he was running

the prison and eventually the entire nation of Egypt, second only to the Pharaoh.

I know this idea is a dramatic paradigm shift for many people. It is so much easier to blame

other people, conditioning, or conditions for our own stagnant situation. But we are responsible

—“response-able”—to control our lives and to powerfully influence our circumstances by

working on be, on what we are.

If I have a problem in my marriage, what do I really gain by continually confessing my wife’s

sins? By saying I’m not responsible, I make myself a powerless victim; I immobilize myself in a

negative situation. I also diminish my ability to influence her—my nagging, accusing, critical

attitude only makes her feel validated in her own weakness. My criticism is worse than the

conduct I want to correct. My ability to positively impact the situation withers and dies.

If I really want to improve my situation, I can work on the one thing over which I have

control—myself. I can stop trying to shape up my wife and work on my own weaknesses. I can

focus on being a great marriage partner, a source of unconditional love and support. Hopefully,

my wife will feel the power of proactive example and respond in kind. But whether she does or

doesn’t, the most positive way I can influence my situation is to work on myself, on my being.

There are so many ways to work in the Circle of Influence—to be a better listener, to be a

more loving marriage partner, to be a better student, to be a more cooperative and dedicated

employee. Sometimes the most proactive thing we can do is to be happy, just to genuinely smile.

Happiness, like unhappiness, is a proactive choice. There are things, like the weather, that our

Circle of Influence will never include. But as proactive people, we can carry our own physical or

social weather with us. We can be happy and accept those things that at present we can’t control,

while we focus our efforts on the things that we can.

THE OTHER END OF THE STICK

Before we totally shift our life focus to our Circle of Influence, we need to consider two

things in our Circle of Concern that merit deeper thought—consequences and mistakes.While we are free to choose our actions, we are not free to choose the consequences of those

actions. Consequences are governed by natural law. They are out in the Circle of Concern. We

can decide to step in front of a fast-moving train, but we cannot decide what will happen when

the train hits us.

We can decide to be dishonest in our business dealings. While the social consequences of that

decision may vary depending on whether or not we are found out, the natural consequences to

our basic character are a fixed result.

Our behavior is governed by principles. Living in harmony with them brings positive

consequences; violating them brings negative consequences. We are free to choose our response

in any situation, but in doing so, we choose the attendant consequence. “When we pick up one

end of the stick, we pick up the other.”

Undoubtedly, there have been times in each of our lives when we have picked up what we

later felt was the wrong stick. Our choices have brought consequences we would rather have

lived without. If we had the choice to make over again, we would make it differently. We call

these choices mistakes, and they are the second thing that merits our deeper thought.

For those filled with regret, perhaps the most needful exercise of proactivity is to realize that

past mistakes are also out there in the Circle of Concern. We can’t recall them, we can’t undo

them, we can’t control the consequences that came as a result.

As a college quarterback, one of my sons learned to snap his wristband between plays as a

kind of mental checkoff whenever he or anyone made a “setting back” mistake, so the last

mistake wouldn’t affect the resolve and execution of the next play.

The proactive approach to a mistake is to acknowledge it instantly, correct and learn from it.

This literally turns a failure into a success. “Success,” said IBM founder T. J. Watson, “is on the

far side of failure.”

But not to acknowledge a mistake, not to correct it and learn from it, is a mistake of a

different order. It usually puts a person on a self-deceiving, self-justifying path, often involving

rationalization (rational lies) to self and to others. This second mistake, this cover-up, empowers

the first, giving it disproportionate importance, and causes far deeper injury to self.

It is not what others do or even our own mistakes that hurt us the most; it is our response to

those things. Chasing after the poisonous snake that bites us will only drive the poison through

our entire system. It is far better to take measures immediately to get the poison out.

Our response to any mistake affects the quality of the next moment. It is important to

immediately admit and correct our mistakes so that they have no power over that next moment

and we are empowered again.