The 10 Life Lessons I learned from Cosmo Kramer

“I want to go home,” I blurted out in exasperation, moments after sitting down at a restaurant. “I can’t believe this. I have been planning this outing for weeks, and now that I am here, all I want to do is go home and rest.”

The strange thing is, the primary reason because of which I wanted to go out was that I had been spending a lot of time at home and needed a bit of change.

On my way home, a new wave of frustration arose in my mind. Why is it that no one talks about this? It’s highly unlikely that everyone has a fantastic experience each time they go out.

Going out is treated as a one size fits all solution for everything, Feeling blue — Go out. Blocked at work — Step out, Socially anxious — Sit at a coffee shop.

But, what happens after one goes out, is happiness guaranteed?

Not one person, in my entire life, had walked up to me and told me that they felt uneasy when they were out. Maybe expectations exceeded reality, or perhaps they couldn’t remember why they went out in the first place and wanted to return home.

But, neither have I.

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This incident took place about two years ago. I vividly recall this immense feeling of frustration that no one validates my thoughts.

Everyone seemed to be aboard a train of optimism, and I was left behind. I, on the other hand, had traveled to a strange land, where I was questioning every little thing in life, unable to find the right answers.

Later that evening, I watched Seinfeld for the first time. I had returned home with this infuriating feeling of bewilderment and desperately wanted to be away from my negative thoughts. I put another one of my (much awaited) plans into action and started watching the show.

If you have watched the first episode, you are familiar with Jerry’s opening stand-up. He is talking about this exact thing: how going out is overrated, and once you are out, you want to get back.

(If you haven’t seen it, please add this show to your list of things to watch. Trust me; you won’t regret this.)

And I was hooked. The very first episode felt like someone had just given me a mental high five. I was also instantly filled with regret. How did I miss out on this, why haven’t I watched this show until now?

Well, there were a lot of reasons (excuses) such as, it wasn’t popular in India, mixed reviews, I had been a Friends fan for the longest time, but neither of them could plead my case.

I definitely should have watched this show earlier. Calling it a show sounds weird because I would instead call it an experience.

It was real, relatable, stimulating, and incredibly funny. Most importantly, it validated my feelings. The show portrayed many of my unpopular opinions, thoughts, ideas, and even experiences.

With each episode, it warmed its way into my heart and quickly climbed up to become one of my all-time favorites.

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In my first viewing, I looked at Kramer in a unidimensional manner, as an instant dose of humor. The moment he burst through the door, I would set my stuff (food, drinks) aside and prepare myself for uncontrollable laughter. His antics were my favorite part of the show.

In my second time, I started looking at things differently and also began noticing things that I hadn’t before. I dug deeper, performed character analyses, searched for hidden meanings, themes, and patterns.

Soon, I began to realize that Kramer was much more than what meets the eye. This guy was genuinely happy, had real friends who cared about him, and pretty much woke up every day believing in himself, that he can achieve greatness.

In contrast, my mind is a complicated mess. I have to push myself to work on all these concepts: happiness, self-esteem, and self-validation, every day. I have also firmly believed, for some time now, that I need to create my definitions of them.

I should not measure myself against standards established by others.

Yet, I was unable to put this theory into practice. I was going back and forth in my journeys of the self, and not moving forward as expected.

I asked myself: Is there something that I could learn from Cosmo Kramer? Could he have figured out life?

And I started a list.

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?”― Albert Einstein

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1. You don’t need to change yourself to fit in:

Throughout my life, I have been chipping at myself, trying to mold my personality into a more friendly and socially acceptable version. I used to think that no one would like me, as I was, that being my authentic self would somehow lead to social exclusion.

I also thought that to get involved in any group; I needed to modify myself and adapt to their ways.

I used to be persistently bothered about how I was presenting myself, the words I was choosing to utter, and whether I was funny enough. Later, I agonized over my failures to adhere to these standards, for days at a time.

Over the years, I have realized the errors in my ways. I have tried to learn the art of being myself and sociable at the same time. But, my journey in this area has been inadequate.

Kramer made friends effortlessly with a wide variety of people. Within a short amount of time, he could become an integral member of any group and even go on to influence others.

But throughout this period, he remained true to himself, unapologetically and sometimes problematically so.

He would never hold his tongue in a situation or feel shy before riding a girl’s bike or bother about what others think about his eccentric clothes.

He would take much effort in his friendships, care about people, and do things for them, without changing himself. People accepted him, loved him, and I am sure, were also envious of him.

There was a way; I just needed to find it.

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2. Being Personable, an underrated skill:

How did Kramer achieve this impossible feat? By being personable.

If someone had asked me this question a couple of years ago, I would have responded with a lengthy list. To get in with people, especially those of higher social status, I would have listed charisma, openness to new experiences, dominance, and being well-read as must-have qualities.

Being personable would also make its way on my list, but it wouldn’t be ranked highly. It would just be one of those things that you could pick up along the way. When you master other, more important things, this skill should not be that difficult.

Now I realized that when done right, it is the most important and perhaps the only social skill to master.

You could create friendships with anyone, make your way into conversations, and become a part of their plans, by being personable.

You wouldn’t need to go out of your way anymore. There’s no longer a need to rack your brain, wondering about what’s next. You don’t need to work on skills that won’t benefit you directly, either.

What I needed to do is learn, build, and better this one thing.

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3. The importance of genuinely caring for your few real friends:

I admit I have missed the mark on this one. Although I have been able to crack the code on creating friendships, I have struggled with maintaining them over time. Most of them were, sadly, born out of convenience. Even the real ones lacked the strength to survive through rough patches.

I had taken a ton of effort to forge them. I had participated in activities that others liked. I had gone out of my way on several occasions to accommodate people. Then what went wrong?

1. I wasn’t my real self, and pretense was becoming exhausting.
2. I didn’t know what genuinely caring for someone meant.

Kramer’s formula for maintaining long-lasting friendships, that could weather any storm, was simple.

Keep your circle small, be your true self, and care about them, unconditionally. You don’t need to agree with them, or tag along with their plans all the time.

What you need to do is be there for them when it matters.

Talk about your feelings, spend quality time with people, air out your grievances, and always let it be known to them that you care. Right here, this is a potential cure for loneliness.

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4. Living life on your own terms:

I have always prided myself on living life on my terms. I used to think that I was free, untethered, and my own master.

Several years later, I realized that I hadn’t entirely escaped the role society laid out for me; I had just drawn a bigger circle for myself. I had convinced myself that I was in control, but in reality, I was seeking the same things that most people do.

When I completed several journeys of self-discovery and understood who I really was, I started drowning in crippling fear.

When I made unpopular choices like not working for money or living a socially isolated life, I had this constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt like I was hiding, and someone or some entity was coming to catch me.

Now, I was able to see, via Kramer, what living life on your terms truly meant. People may not understand you, take things you say seriously, and even make fun of you at times. But, you need to stay on your path.

Take risks, do the things you always wanted to do. Learn to live without fear because no one cares what you do or don’t do.

Life is too short to pretend to be someone else.

5. Believe in yourself, that you are capable of greatness:

Self-belief, yes, the must-have concept I have seen in every single self-help article that I read this year. People talk about this as an end, as if once you start to believe you would never look back.

I could never create this eternal sense of belief, was I missing something?

I did believe, but I also repeatedly doubted myself. Every day I would go back and forth between positively affirming myself and being my harshest critic. I was stuck, and no matter how hard I tried, the positive could never outweigh the negative. I couldn’t see a way out.

According to Kramer, believing in oneself, meant doing so unconditionally.

You should not let anything stand in your way of doing so. Do not let the past define you. Do not let your failures hack at your confidence. Treat every day as new, and believe that you are capable of achieving greatness.

With everything you try, be it at work or a new hobby, start it by telling yourself that you can ace it. Stop taking doubts seriously, and start treating them as passing thoughts.

If it helps imagine them as passing clouds, which would fade before the blinding sun, that is your belief.

“If you don’t believe in yourself, then who will believe in you? The next man’s way of getting there might not necessarily work for me, so I have to create my own ways of getting there.” — Michael Korda

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6. The perfect comeback for mean comments:

I don’t possess a thick skin and have never been able to grow one.

What people say, whether sarcastic, passive-aggressive, or downright cruel, affects me a lot. On several occasions, I have felt immense pain; on others, I have endlessly cursed myself for not having the perfect comeback.

The thing is people will always have something to say.

This world is not a kind place. Someone may be having a bad day, someone else may have developed this as a social skill for some reason, and generally, people don’t react very well to change.

I can’t do anything about this. Nor can I transform myself to the extent that I never feel bad. Additionally, I have also been distancing myself from toxic people, with whom this was a regular occurrence. But, unfortunately, such situations are not entirely avoidable.

Want to know Kramer’s ultimate weapon?

Take it in your stride. I don’t mean responding politely or staying quiet. There’s a difference. Accept what the other person is saying, but also show them that their comment failed, as it didn’t affect you. Carry on with your life, confidently, as if nothing happened.

For example, if someone calls me sensitive (someone who takes everything a bit too seriously), my answer is going to be, “Yes, you are right, I am, and I don’t intend to be any other way.”

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7. First, don’t plan. Second, don’t cry over a failed plan.

I have learned it the hard way that I cannot control most things in my life.

Planning is crucial in a few specific areas, such as work or household chores. But for the most part, especially with things that involve external factors, plans don’t work. No, I cannot obsessively plan my way out of uncertainty and chaos. I need to learn to get through them.

More importantly, I shouldn’t fret over a plan that didn’t work out. If I fail to execute a plan accurately; by this, I mean not getting the desired results, I react as if the sky is falling. I question every single thing from strategy to execution and warn myself that this cannot happen again.

I viciously doubt and criticize myself; I feel terribly incompetent.

I have come to realize that this has been an unhealthy practice, and I could not let it repeat anymore. A failed plan is what it is, one plan, amongst hundreds, that didn’t work. If the swimming pool does not work out, instead of sulking about it all day, consider the East River.

The past doesn’t define the future.

One plan does not affect another, and thus, I should view a failed one only as an opportunity for learning, and nothing else. No, I am not incompetent. No, the universe is not conspiring against me, and also, no, I cannot have even one day when everything is going to go my way. C’est la vie.

Make plans only when necessary, identify these situations. For others, stop yourself, don’t plan, don’t predict things, don’t try to protect yourself.

Do not burden yourself with the responsibility of managing the situation successfully. Just be.

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8. Stop sweating the small stuff, like determining the optimal way to open a door:

Kramer fell into a room nine times out of ten, frequently spilled food, and slid off couches. Yet, every time he picked himself up and proceeded to carry on with whatever he was doing as if nothing happened.

In contrast, if I bump into a door accidentally, or miss a typo while editing, I spend an excessive amount of time berating myself for being such a klutz. I criticize myself for not being careful, for not being present in the moment, and for doing everything wrong, even the little things.

I don’t mean this point literally, please learn how to open a door; you can injure yourself or others. I want to generalize this to all small stuff.

If these are indeed so little, why do I give them so much power?

As it is essential to be present in the moment, it is equally (entirely) unnecessary to be this critical of myself. What purpose could this achieve?

Nothing, I wasn’t even going to remember it the next day. It wouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, and my daily list of things to feel bad about could use a few deletions.

So, the next time I spill some water, I am going to wipe it off, gently remind myself to be careful, and swiftly carry on with my day.

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9. Make your own fun:

Throughout my teenage years and early adulthood, I kept waiting around for fun to happen. I wanted to be invited to parties, plans to be made for New year’s eve, and wished to have a full social calendar that would never let me feel bored.

I could not have been more wrong about this. Fun is not an elusive concept that someone was going to hand over to me because I was finally worthy. I also could not achieve it by executing conventional ideas, like going out. I needed to make my own fun.

How? Ask yourself what you would like to do today.

If you want to put a hot tub in your living room, go ahead and do it.

If I think staying in my pajamas, eating takeout and watching a movie is fun, no one can take it away from me. Kramer did the most unusual things and always ended up having fun. People can laugh at him or call him weird, but can anyone doubt whether he was having fun? No.

Here’s the answer; the only person you need to convince is yourself.

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10. Validate yourself; it’s the only kind you need:

Doing what everyone else was doing did not help me. I also wouldn’t accept approval from just anyone. I was seeking it from specific sources. I treated it as an external entity, a reward of sorts, which I was going to receive, after a struggle filled period of my life.

Whereas, in reality, I didn’t respond well to compliments most of the time, a common side effect of having unrealistic standards.

Validation from any number of people wasn’t going to quench my thirst. It doesn’t work this way, at least for me. The most important form of validation is Self-validation. It’s the glue that will hold me together.

I cannot know before doing something if it’s the right choice, no one knows. I can’t predict the future, and I won’t know until I have tried. I realized that all this time, I had been standing in my way.

I needed to think about this: how many things I could have tried, how many lessons I could have learned, in the amount of time I spent doubting myself. So, if you come up with an idea like a coffee table book about coffee tables, you better believe it.

Do you know what’s worse than a bad idea?

One that never saw the light of day.

It doesn’t matter if you have unpopular opinions. Why should your ideas sync with the popular ones in the first place?

Yours is the one with the most significance. Live your life in a way that matters to you. You are right. What happens if you are wrong? Try again.

Wow! That was a lengthy list. I feel winded.

Before I started writing this piece, I couldn’t have predicted that I had so many lessons to learn. Who knew that one of TV’s most light-hearted, quirky and comedic characters could teach me: a queen of darkness, so much about life.

In my first viewing, a lot of things that Kramer did seemed too fictional. It took me another watch, to understand that this man was a genius and chose to live his life, according to his terms.

You know why? —Because they were unpopular opinions and choices.

Of course, most people are not in a position to quit their jobs, waltz into their neighbors’ apartment at any time, or give up most conventional rules. But, we can always ask ourselves, who is really in control of our lives?

This race that I am running, this obsession with productivity, the matcha latte that I wanted to make today, was it all for myself?

“Thinking for yourself and making your own decisions can be frightening. Letting go of other people’s expectations can leave you feeling empty for a time. And yet seeing yourself as an independent adult who can stand up for your own choices frees you to accept yourself as you are.”― Ellen Bass

When I started genuinely thinking for myself, doing things for myself, and closing the loop there, I was able to make various meaningful changes in my life. I realized I was an introvert, hiding in a shell of an extrovert.

I switched my career from Human Resources to Writing, and I was able to see things with profound clarity for the first time. I was in control, open-minded, and free.

I was able to learn and adapt Life Lessons from Cosmo Kramer.