Thankful-Grateful- and Hands Full

My absolute passion in life is teaching. It comes on naturally some days and is an extreme struggle other days. However this is where I am, and where I am meant to be. Guiding other teachers to see their own strengths and teach them helpful strategies through my writing, making professional development courses, and creating teaching resources would be a business that lights my inspiration as well as serves other teachers to light their own.

“Do now and figure out how to later”- this has been how I have spent most of my teaching career. What no one ever tells you about teaching is that no one actually knows how to do this job. I mean, how can anyone have a script to do a job that is completely different from one year to the next and even one day to the next? We as teachers become programmed to think we have to know everything though, so we do. We just jump in and do it. We may not actually know how to or why, but we figure all of that out later after the actual job is done or while in the moment. We do now. We put the kids first and in the moment that is always right.

Teaching has been all I know. I graduated college at age 22 and landed my first full time teaching job right away. We all tend to enter this profession with bright eyes and bright bulletin board paper. The “I got this” attitude defiantly is enough to get us through the door and into our day to day. I remember after my first interview I was so excited and so terrified too! As I was setting up my classroom, I couldn’t even picture how tall an 8 year is. “Would this be a good height for shelves for them to reach?” I thought.

I worked hard and figured out everything as I went. My first observation came and the principal came to watch my lesson. Then we sat together, went over my score on a rubric, and the principal provided constructive criticism. Well, I bombed! I got below level in many categories and especially my classroom management. I could barely hold back the tears as I ran to hide in the bathroom to pull myself together before having to meet with parents that afternoon. The whole process felt like an audition to play my own part in life. I had failed it. What now? After all that time and money spent in college, he says I can’t do this job. I let it take over my entire self worth. I couldn’t keep as strictly a work thing. How could any teacher when it becomes more than a job, but an identity? Of course though, I fixed my make up and powered through the conferences.

As time went on, I began to feel strength in what my goals were as a teacher, after that my scores have always been great! I learned to see these reviews as a way to keep growing, rather than who I am based on what administration thinks.

The days and years rolled on, the students looked to me as their hero. I strived to read the best stories, laugh at their jokes, make sure they have lunch, celebrate their birthdays, listen to their stories about their cat, and support them emotionally when they have lost a family member. I knew I become their constant in a spinning, confusing and scary world. My classes have had an academic range of up to two years apart as well as emotional disabilities. However, I convince them daily that they aren’t doing work or learning, but creating masterpieces and playing games.

Now as if that weight isn’t heavy on your shoulders, well now let’s bring in the technicals. Flip the perspective now to views of education from outside of the classroom walls. We are driven by administration, state, and federal higher ups. Students are data. We are given goals to accomplish by raising math and reading scores though these little souls. We are given write ups reflecting how we are doing at our jobs based on students’ performance. However, these scores do not paint the whole picture. We as teachers may see growth and progress in so many other ways than scores on a paper. We have to balance how to be successful while merging together our hearts and our heads to be sure we are caring and mindful. We know that these parents have entrusted us with their whole world, heart, and soul for 6 hours a day. We are using the years of technicals in training and preparation to increase the students knowledge and levels to appropriate grade level standards. Piece of cake!

In the early years of teaching, I was convinced I could just get ahead. I was spending many hours in planning (which never fit the next year’s group). I never got ahead, but always convinced myself it would be easier next year.

The next phase of becoming a parent myself and a teacher was very tricky! Being a good teacher in early years means never disappointing anyone and never saying no. I would volunteer for all of the extras. After becoming a parent, ugh it taxed my soul to take sick days left and right. Leaving sub plans in all occasions. I was missing even important school events. Feeling and knowing everyone is being let down by my absence. As if the stress of having a sick child isn’t enough to take.

So now, this about halfway point of the “teaching career” makes me realize that the consent in this profession is that it will always be changing, I will never feel ready, or comfortable, and the same strategies may never work a second time.

However, now I feel filled with experience, knowledge, and hope.

This passed year has been more challenging than ever! Last spring March 2020, we all encountered something none of us could prepare for. Another time when I sensed just do it before you know how. I used Google Classroom for the first time conducting live meets and teaching from my house with my two small kids, two dogs, and husband home. It felt rocky, but again I learned to bounce when dropped as usual.

I opted to be the remote second grade teacher for this passed school year. It wasn’t because I felt incredibly good at it. I was terrified to go back into the classroom. I opted to keep my own kids remote as well. I had to teach from the building, but I still felt safe in my own area away from everyone else. Not to mention my mind couldn’t take anymore controversial political conversations with coworkers. My anxiety was at an ultimate high. Knowing how hard this all was for me, I knew there were other parents out there struggling with sending their kids back into the building. I felt I could be supportive to them and help those kids learn to the best of my ability and get us all over this hurdle. It came with its challenges as well as rewards. I was welcomed into each families’ daily routines. I felt frustrated and limited at times, but I was also amazed at how the students rose when I had to let them struggle a bit. We are all coming out of the other side different now. I feel fortune to have had this experience alongside my students. They are so resilient and eager to help one another even in the virtual setting.

Teaching is my heart. I learned I am a teacher now matter my setting. I have learned to feel good about what I know and have learned. Through the struggles, I learned my strengths. I am still working on not being afraid to change and try new things, possibly fail, but keep going.

This year with all of the stepping out of my comfort zone, I decided to be a guest blogger for another teacher’s site. It helped me discover that I have so much to give other teachers. I have provided tips, curriculum assistance, management techniques, and ways to engage students. Just the email back I received telling me that my voice fit the tone of the blog, and she was excited to have my writing flipped my switch! I was lit for it! It brought out a side of me I didn’t know I had the energy for. Instead of feeling like more work, it felt like an outlet. I couldn’t stop my writing. The words just poured from my fingertips. The guest blog turned into a blog series followed by another blog series. Now I am hooked! I feel elated by this little bit of me out there to help others learn from my experience.

I would love to peruse this further by creating blog articles, professional development courses, teacher materials to provide advice and tips for other educators as a business. I don’t feel like people should learn from me, because I am the best teacher. I feel I have more to offer, because I am a forever learner. I have felt rock bottom many times and figured out how to come back stronger. Having this passed year has shown me that I can certainly change and learn to pivot my strategies at anytime. I also can hold out a hand for others and pull them back to their feet. Then help them feel empowered to come back stronger!

If my work can help just one teacher who feels behind in their work, balancing being a new parent, or a teacher at the beginning of their career feeling hopeless, it is all worth it and that is what my drive is. My hope is help and empower teachers to shine on everyday!

S.B.A