We all know what the technical definition is, Merriam Webster Dictionary defines suffocate as, in part:
to become suffocated:
a (1) : to die from being unable to breathe
(2) : to die from lack of oxygen
b : to be uncomfortable through lack of fresh air
In this instance I don't write about a physical death, I write about the feeling of everyday life becoming so overwhelming emotionally that you sometimes feel like you just can't breathe. Like being surrounded by those you love but feeling like you have to gasp for breaths way too many times. That time when it just becomes too much and in your head you scream "JUST LET ME BREATHE!" and you feel as though if you could scream it out loud it would somehow magically make things all better. You step away and try to clear your head, try to stop the tears that seem to fall endlessly and when you go back, you still can't breathe. It stifles you, wears you down and wears you out. It turns you into a person that begins to hate human interaction. It makes you want to distance yourself from everyone. Your body just needs to be able to breathe normal without feeling like it is in a constant tug-o-war with those around you.
Then come the feelings of self doubt and self blame. This is somehow your fault because you are the one that needs the space. You are the one who can't breathe. They don't seem to have that problem so therefore it must be on you. Once the blame has been assigned to self it becomes so easy for all those other emotions to creep into play. You know the ones... low self esteem, self loathing, self hatred, guilt, anger, self pity, loneliness, sadness. You were doing fine, getting your shit together and actually loving your life, when one day all it takes is one incident to turn a great day into something from a horror movie. Now you are back at square one. After all the years of hard work and discipline, flushed right down the toilet.
You continue to lie to yourself like you have done in the past. You tell yourself it's just a passing "thing" that you will be fine. You may even have those around you say things like "It'll be fine, you got this", "Don't worry it'll be ok", "You are strong, this won't break you", but the truth is you won't be fine, it won't be ok and you really have no strength left at this point. You want to just throw in the towel, throw up your hands and admit defeat. It feels like no matter how many times you try to explain it, no one will honestly understand. You put on the happy face that you wear so well because after all, you have become a pro at doing that in the past.
I relate it to the story of when I was a child and my Uncle threw me in the deep end of his pool, knowing I couldn't swim. I sucked in a lot of water and my first thought was "I am going to die". Not being able to breathe. Suffocating in the water with everyone watching until I finally surfaced. Now instead of water, life is suffocating me. Drowning in a never ending sea of feelings and emotions. Being so overwhelmed by the situations I have put myself into that I feel as though I am killing myself slowly. Sinking deeper and deeper into the deep end with no surface in sight. Knowing that someone up above me is reaching out a hand to pull me up but not quite be able to touch them.
I am complicated, confusing and often very difficult. I do know that. I have no problem admitting I am not easy to understand and few people really "get" me. Sometimes I think I should just be alone. It seems less complicated, confusing and less hurtful to those around me. The truth is simple, unless you have ever been put in a situation so overwhelming, that you truly CAN'T BREATHE...you have no idea what it's like and cannot relate! Walk in my shoes, live my life, turn the tables, put the shoe on the other foot, however you choose to put it, could you survive it? Would you want to? Would you have the strength to?
I felt my life turning a corner and thought I was making huge strides towards happiness. Now I am not sure about anything. Now I doubt myself and the inner strength I thought I had. Now I just don't know what I want or where I want to be. I no longer trust my instincts or my gut. I want to turn back the clock just 24 hours and I want a do over. I want the last 24 hours to be stricken from my life's book. I want to reach up and find that hand that will pull me out of the water and stop the drowning, stop that "I'm dying" feeling. Pull me to the surface, wrap me in a warm towel and allow me to stop gasping for air and just let my breathing return to normal again.
Breathing: it's the first thing we do when we are born and the last thing we do before we die. We all should just breathe, without thought, without reason, without complication and without feeling suffocated.
Much Love, G.
About the Creator
Gail S.
I am complicated, confusing and misunderstood but I am real. Life is too short to be anything but happy.
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