Daughter of the Moon, Daughter of Nature, Daughter of the Skies;
I’ll be seeing you soon.
Loved by the Stars, adored by the Sun.
You will fly far by embracing those scars.
Mother of Dragon, Mother of Felines, Mother of Starseeds;
Do you see flowers in your wagon?
Admired by the Wolves, fallen like a Phoenix.
What terrain do you find the most scenic?
Grass grows far & wide, the ocean is your guide,
The wind’s on your side , so spread your wings and fly.
The seal has been broken.
She has finally awoken.
A Goddess has been chosen!
Our time‘s no longer frozen.
On September 21, 2019, I woke up feeling anew.
I had an argument with Leo the night before. I was struggling, but he didn’t see it that way.
[Quick Back Story] [QBS] [Flashback, September 2017]
From the moment I found out, I was saddened.
I smiled, I was happy. But then suddenly, I frowned.
Reminded of my situation, my smile turned upside down.
My romance with Leo was nothing but a seed. A seed constantly receiving water, sun, and love.
But this seed was not ready to sprout.
And somehow, our love proved to be so strong that it began to grow.
But not from the roots—no.
This love was still too new.
It would not be a healthy tree, & it would not be a healthy relationship.
And as much as I always wanted my own trees & flowers, I was not ready.
We were not ready.
The base of our relationship just wasn’t steady.
At the beginning, when I found out I was pregnant, I cried in Christina’s arms.
My sister was surprised. “What are you going to do?”
I couldn’t sleep that night.
I was happy. I always wanted this, but not like THIS.
[End of QBS]
Not like that.
From the moment I found out I was pregnant to the day I decided to finally let go, 1,051,200 minutes had gone by. & that final day, was the end of a chapter I never thought I’d be a part of.
I remember being in my Spanish class my senior year [just a few years back] and being on the winning side of a major debate.
I wasn’t too happy defending abortions.
Even though my feelings about it were neutral, deep down in my heart, I still didn’t like it.
Ha! The irony.
Those words I spoke 6 years prior were the same words I spoke to myself in 2017, when I had my abortion.
I tried finding excuses to validate what I had done.
Not very good excuses...
But after some time, I had to let go.
I found a way to console myself with my own words and my own actions; & then, finally, after two long years, my own words and thoughts saved me.
Y en ese momento… nací otra vez.
& at that moment… I was reborn.
The death of a Queen & the birth of Savannah was a silent transition.
The rebirth of a Queen—now more powerful.
A Goddess. Una Diosa.
They say that when a queen is reborn as a goddess, she becomes unstoppable.
Her powers, once hidden, will shine so bright that everything touched by her light will heal and grow.
Her energy would be so strong and heavy with kindness, she would intimidate all those who do wrong.
But this goddess known as Savannah was wild.
She was a powerful queen.
& now… the most powerful goddess.
However, her powers have only just awoken.
No one knew what it meant. No one could foresee what would transpire.
Well, none but one–
–someone driven by the sun.
& so, let her true powers unravel!
For this will be the longest road traveled.
My body felt unfamiliar. There was this heaviness on my body that somehow felt light.
I looked around the room at the sun rays shining through the dark blue curtains.
The birds outside were so musical, with tones that were absolutely stunning.
Everything around me seemed so perfect. Wow! What a wonderful morning.
I looked to the side and saw Anora the Dragon lying right next to me.
I picked her up and looked at her eyes. I couldn’t help but smile.
Wait! Did I have a dream with this dragon last night? Did we really speak? Or was I just dreaming? Or did I...? Hmm.
I have a few things to explain.
Growing up, I always spoke to the moon. She was my best friend.
I called her Luna.
When I was sad, she always gave me amazing advice. She’d make me think about my choices and the different possibilities.
She would constantly remind me that I was not a normal child, because I could speak with her.
Luna never spoke back to me. At least not physically. And definitely not to the point that I could hear her in my head. No.
Us speaking was more intuitive. Like if she was speaking to me through my soul. My intuition.
Somehow, I just knew what she was saying.
But one day, she just stopped. She told me that she would no longer solely be my guardian, and that she needed to give me space to figure some things out.
So here I was, having a debate on whether I truly had a conversation with a stuffed dragon, or if it was one of those Luna & me instances.
[looking at the dragon]
I heard nothing. Felt nothing.
Too deep into my own thoughts, I was startled when my phone rang.
It was Reign, Leo’s best friend. She wanted to come over later.
And so that was the queue to start my day. I started my playlist, packed a bowl, and prepared for a good, elevated day.
I cleaned, I ate, I bathed, I danced, I wrote, I planned, and then, finally, she came.
Reign knew about my healing process. She understood me.
She also understood my need to do something spontaneous & grand.
I wanted to mark this new shift & celebrate my new chapter with a little gift.
Tattoos meant something special to me.
I only marked my body with symbols of my past, present, or future.
The significance of adding ink to my body came from one of my past lives.
An era where tattoos on your skin showed your level of rank. It wasn’t based on the quantity but on the symbols themselves.
Adding another tattoo to my body meant that I was maturing.
I was becoming stronger. Wiser. Better.
I felt a shift. Not only in myself, but in time as well.
Fall was fast approaching, the season of shedding & change. So in honor of the season, I decided to be bold with my colors.
I picked out a red floral crop top, a pair of ripped jeans, and my black boots.
With my new haircut, I felt like a whole new person.
But for some reason, there was this everlasting itch on my shoulder that begged for a kiss.
Just one kiss.
I rubbed my shoulder to soothe the tempting itch.
Ready to go get inked, I grabbed my black leather jacket and met Reign at the door.
I felt sexy & divine. There was something empyrean growing within me.
I could feel my fingertips tingling. A sensation I felt before, but now more profound.
What was this feeling?
Why did my fingers feel hot and charged?
“Hey, you ok?” Reign asked with a puzzled expression.
I wasn’t sure what I just felt. But it felt really good.
I looked at her, figuring that it may have been the excitement for what we were about to do, and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go.”
The car ride was filled with chisme, music, and stupid jokes.
“Why are you smiling so much today, Savannah?”
“Me? I don’t know. I just feel – different,” I said, unsure of how I was truly feeling. I couldn’t help but look at my hands. They weren't tingling anymore.
“Ok. Good!” said Reign with a huge smile on her face.
I felt like I had just found a new power, my confidence maybe. But at that very moment, I intuitively felt like someone was rooting for me.
Was it Reign?
“What do you want to get?” Reign said, lowering the music.
“I’m not sure yet. I want something empowering. Something that will make me feel strong whenever I see it.”
I knew I wanted something written. Something meaningful & impactful.
Growing up, I was bullied. And for a long time, I doubted myself. A lot.
I would find myself within myself, & feel better. But then lose myself again.
I would lose myself in chaos. It was a depressing cycle–with each relapse deeper than the last.
Very much like this recent depression after my abortion.
Do you know why I intimidate people? Women in particular–
–it’s because I am so effing strong. I am talented, & I am beautiful.
I mean, look at me!
Savannah, you write, dance, paint, and you take amazing photos. And you do so with elegance, passion, and grace. You read, you have fun, you create so many things. And on top of that, you cook & clean, and you’re good with kids.
You got this!
That inner voice always saved me. I found ways to boost my self-confidence. Ways to make myself feel stronger.
Be stronger all on my own.
Because no matter how many times I asked for help, I was always left alone. Stranded. Soaking in my own negative feelings, negative thoughts.
No one understood. Or they just didn’t try. Or maybe they didn't really care.
But once I found my own formula, I was no longer bound to the bullies, this world, & my “problems”.
“Alright! We’re here,” Reign said, putting the car in park. “And I think that you should get your tattoo somewhere sexy & noticeable. I want Leo to see it and be like, 'Dang girl, you lookin’ fine!'”
I still felt that itch to kiss my shoulders. Something telling me to get it there. I took a deep breath.
I always knew that I could weather any storm. This last storm was heavy, thick, & dark.
I felt like my life was not the same, but all the same, I was safe. I survived. And that too was a surprise.
How did I survive a dark, cold place? How did I see light in a place with thick & heavy fog? It was dark & I was lost.
But I was guided. I saw a light. A warm & powerful light.
Colors. Wings. Magic.
I felt a breeze hit my shoulder and I spat out, “I’m getting it on my shoulder.”
“That’s a great idea! Sexy. Chic. I like it. Now, come on! Let’s go.”
I hadn’t felt this sexy in a long time. I lost myself in a battle to find myself. How does that even happen?
My shoulders tingled. A sensation that sent shivers down my spine to my legs.
My legs suddenly spasmed from the excitement that I almost jumped out of the car.
It felt like if I were extremely cold and someone put a warm blanket on a single portion of my body. It shocked me, & my body ached for more.
That warmth. Heat. Fire.
My shoulders burned with that fire, & the rest of my body craved for more.
“The way you’re looking, Leo is going to regret being an asshole. He won’t be able to get his hands off of you! If he can even touch you, that is.”
“Yeah, we’ll see.” I rolled my eyes.
When I met Leo, he swept me off my feet so soon, I didn’t even get the chance to ask him about his life.
I was dating someone else then. Darmineus. I was with him, but I felt lonely, unappreciated, and used. I was unhappy.
Leo made me feel like a whole new woman. I felt like a flower in full bloom all the time with him.
Beautiful. Sexy. Happy. Gentle. Calm. Safe.
He’d always say something like, “Wow! You look beautiful.” And then give me that quirky smile.
That side smile that always made me bite my lips.
His lips. His smile. His arms. His smell. His touch.
Everything about him enticed me. I was so hooked. Addicted, maybe.
But too soon did I fall in love. Too late to turn around.
A little too late to forget. Too late did I find out.
He had a son. 4 years.
I was not happy. But I was not sad.
I was not angry. But I was disappointed.
I wanted a family, but I did not want to be a step-mom.
I was not ready. I did not want it. I wanted a family of my own.
He was a kind father. With a lot to learn.
I loved kids. So I stuck around. Learning. Teaching.
Loving. Hurting. Laughing. Crying. Smiling. Aching.
It was easy. It was fun. Then it got hard.
Feeling left out. I yearned for my own.
Not ready. Stupidly being unsafe, we did it.
Three weeks later, I came back with a positive test.
Tears of joy & sadness. I was scared but I’ll try my best.
I was alone, again.
Sick to my stomach. Nauseous. Tired. Craving.
Experiencing the joys of motherhood. Excited. Happy.
Scared. Nervous. Sad.
I wasn’t the only one.
“If you have this baby, I will leave,” Leo said one day.
Convinced I would have to do this alone, I chose to get an abortion.
Once again, alone.
For days, weeks, months, years, I had to watch Leo with his son.
A love so unconditional. So pure. So gentle.
A love so far… too far from my reach.
& I was left with an aching curiosity.
Because I chose to let it go.
I did it for him.
And then I got to watch him raise his own with someone else.
Broken. Aching. Crying. Drowning.
Anger. Hate. Jealousy. Emptiness. Helplessness.
Guilt. Loneliness. Depression. Resentment. Failure.
How did I find the strength to say enough was enough?
How did I find my voice? How did I find myself after so long?
Embracing my truth. Following my passion & loving myself.
“She knew she would so she did” Reign suddenly said.
“You said you wanted a quote that was powerful and meaningful. And I think that is the perfect quote for you. She knew she would so she did.”
That was indeed the perfect quote for my tattoo. But like I said, I knew I could so I did.
I loved feeling the sting on my skin after getting a tattoo. It felt like an achievement.
A snippet of my story. A chant. A spell. A fortune.
I felt it burning in my veins. In my blood. All over my body. Like the power of my ancestors bursting all at once.
Heat surged from my shoulders. Electric stars danced in my hands.
I was weightless.
What was this feeling?
I was on another level. I was no longer myself… a mere queen.
I made a contract with the inner me, and now I was more powerful. I felt it.
My fingertips were tingling again. I felt energized.
Beautiful. Powerful. Wonderful.
“Thank you for the ride, Reign,” I said, grabbing my jacket from the back seat.
“Any time! When does Leo get back?”
“Ok? So tomorrow.”
“Yeah,” I giggled in disbelief.
“Ok girl. Let me know how it goes.”
“Will do. Later Reign.”
I looked at the moon & smiled.
I hear you, Luna. Ocean wants to see me.
I could hear her in the wind.
Leo was coming home the next day.
What could I do to make sure I took full advantage of my time alone?
I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror & smiled. I was truly happy. I took a deep breath.
I found a way to break free. I vowed to change. Grow. Mature. Evolve. And I knew I could, because it was already written.
Written on my skin. Written in the stars. Written right here!
I winked at myself and decided to have a photoshoot. I vowed to embrace all of me. My past, my present, & my future.
I vowed to embrace myself physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, & sexually.
I vowed to follow my passions & to do whatever I wanted with them.
I vowed to love myself wholly & genuinely. Care for, protect, & admire.
I forgave myself for my choices. Mistakes. Decisions.
Present. Past. & Future.
I still felt the burning sensation on my back & shoulders.
They wanted to be bare.
Music filled the room. The tunes I dance to for Leo.
The sounds of drums resonated with my heart & soul.
Freedom. Peace. Happiness.
The more photos I took, the more beautiful I looked, and the more I wanted to shed.
When I was finally satisfied. I thanked myself in the mirror. I closed my eyes, placed my hands together near my forehead, & bowed.
I thanked myself for a good day. For having amazing friends.
For taking the time to do all my favorite things that day. And most importantly, for being patient and understanding with myself.
I raised my head, smiled, and opened my eyes.
My reflection was…
NOW PUBLISHED! - Storming Ice: Chapter 2 - Leo
Learn about how the story began? Read my blog post.
IG & FB: @janis.fruitfulliving
About the Creator
I'm a writer, a dancer, and a photographer. I love being creative because hey, why not! Creativity sells, entertains, and inspires. And I am all for it! ;)
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