Sometimes You Gotta Ask Yourself Part 2

When I suffer from writers' block, I look back on old pieces and dissect my mindset during that time. Three years ago, I wrote an article, "Sometimes You Gotta Ask Yourself," and within that article answered questions I would ask myself all of the time and never knew the answers. After reading those answers, I didn't know who I was; I did not know myself, and it isn't very reassuring. Here I was at thirty-two years old, attempting to figure out my thoughts. The article didn't even have a proper introduction or purpose. During that time, I wanted to use this platform just to let my thoughts control the space. The only creative thing I did was learn how to put a GIF as the main photo. I frequently have to remind myself that I did all of those articles in 2018 on my phone. There was a fire inside of me that needed to come out, and I didn't have the proper tools to express myself and curate the article as I wanted. I decided to answer these questions again from a thirty-four-year-old mindset that has been in therapy for two years and on her healing journey. To view my original answers, I click the link within the article.

How did you go from an extroverted personality to an introverted personality?

I think I do consider myself a chameleon. Adapting to different environments has become a hard lesson that I had to learn over time. I had to come to accept that I am multilayered. That doesn't mean I'm less authentic; it just means that I can work the room. Smiling and saying hello has now become second nature. My anxiety during that time was untamable. I never labeled it anxiety; I also attested that to being shy. I do tend to read new people. To protect me, I have to do inventory after meeting someone new. Everyone has a reason as to why they do certain things. The first question I ask about myself is, "What is this person intention?" and "What do they want from me?" Using that tactic stunted my growth in many ways. Being guarded towards people also made me protected in learning new lessons and creating new experiences.

Why don't you smile more?

The reasons for me not smiling in the first place were because I didn't want the attention. A welcoming smile always leads to a conversation that I wasn't willing to have with people. In other situations. Over the years, I made it a point to be the opposite of the "resting bitch face." So, I would practice smiling at everyone, even the individuals I didn't like. The exercise was about me and not about them. I found myself initiating more conversations with my coworkers and having a more welcoming body language. My smiles have become habitual that I find myself smiling under my masks at random people.

Why are you so hard on yourself?

I've come to terms with not being so hard on myself. Giving myself more grace has alleviated the pressure I would put on myself to complete goals. I no longer follow a timeline about my life. I allow situations to happen when I'm ready to receive them. Speeding up my growth process will only make things worse. I replaced those frustrations with gratitude. Whenever I feel the anxiety of things not going my way, I recount the things I'm grateful for or reflect on past goals.

Why don't you have a best friend?

I don't have an answer to this question. Making new friends as an adult has always been difficult. The "friendships" I've had in the past have left me exhausted. I found myself still attracting friends that need help or guidance. I always had friends that had nothing to offer but drama. I would go above and beyond for certain friendships, leading me to still feeling alone. I can't put all of the blame on those people. I can take accountability for my actions. I can be to minded severe, I prejudged a lot, and I didn't allow myself to open up and let loose. I still yearn for friendship, but I've decided to shift my energy and focus on my personal growth. To be the best friend I could be, I have to learn how to be friends with myself. I would hope that this time will attract the friendship I've always wanted.

Why are you so afraid to go back to school and become a nurse?

That occupation wasn't my calling. Now that we face a pandemic, I am thankful that I didn't take that route. Being an empath, I wouldn't have been able to handle that much death and uncertainty. Although I enjoy Grey's Anatomy with a passion, I've learned to use those shows for entertainment only. My love no longer in the medical field. I enjoy writing, and I hope my writings will become a full-time gig and earn a feasible income.

Why are you so guarded?

The willingness to put my thoughts on paper and post them for the world to see has allowed me to be less guarded. I no longer have the fear I once had telling my stories. I realized that I have a story to tell, and I shouldn't have any shame of telling my story. Proceeding situations with caution isn't out of the question. My intuition has never failed me, and I must rely on that more. I've built a wall, and that wall has prevented me from seeing other possibilities, which has hindered my growth and gained less experience.

How come you start things you can't finish?

I've come a long way from this concept. I've consistently gone to therapy for the last two years, continually telling my story and living my life with positivity. I've acknowledged my growth and allowed me to celebrate my accomplishments. The older I get, the more I realize that the journey is more rewarding than the goal itself.

Reflection

This exercise has revealed a lot. I've come a long way, and it is refreshing to see my growth within three years. I hope that you ask yourself these questions in the new year and compare your answers two to three years from now. It's the perfect affirmation to remind yourself that you are on the right path in this life. Hopefully, this reflection exercise gives you the hope and motivation you need to complete all your desired goals.

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