Shower Thoughts

"I wish I was a B*tch".

Yep that was my initial thought. I wish I demanded what I wanted and I complained when I didn't get it. That to me is what a B*tch is. I wish I was the type of person that people didn't want to walk all over. I wish I was the person that got my way whether it was the right way or the wrong way. I wish I people would see me instead of overlooking me like I was a nobody. I wish I was missed when everyone but myself was out. I wish I was someone who people couldn't get enough of. I wish I was a B*tch.

But I am not. (At least in my own personal opinion) Obviously people don't like me and in my opinion that's due to their own insecurities and not because of me. I understand I can rub people the wrong way but I don't think I have ever been considered a b*tch. I think I have been considered rude and maybe over the top at times but not a b*tch. I try to be kind to everyone. I try to include everyone. I try to make jokes and keep everyone happy. I try to accommodate everyone without worrying about myself first.

Now I am not saying that every person who gets their way are b*tches but most of them are. And most of them I love dearly and don't know what I would do without them. But being a person who isn't one of them, it gets exhausting and tiring trying to fight silently for what I want.You know I was told when I was younger to work hard for what I want, to respect others, and to not complain when I didn't get my way. That is still what I try to do today. I say please and thank you for the most mundane stuff. When someone want something I don't argue or fight for it even if I want it too. And yes sometimes that is my own damn fault because I am an adult but I have done this for the last 27 years.

Growing up with divorced parents, I didn't really have a choice, My opinion didn't really matter who I saw or where I went. I had to go along with them. *** My parents and step parents are the most amazing human beings on this planet and I am entirely thankful to them so don't twist this sideways.*** But I still never had a voice. I still did whatever they wanted because it made them happy. I do that now. I am an ultimate people pleaser and IT FREAKING SUCKS!!!!! I don't like to make things complicated for other people. I do not want to make other peoples lives harder than they already are. I want to be that breath of fresh air for people. But that can mean that I am miserable and I am unhappy and I am pleasing other people without giving a sh*t about myself. If you are a "b*tch", then you really only care about yourself. I am not saying that is a bad thing. I honestly think that is the greatest thing but that is not me! I aim to please and being a b*tch not only hurts other people but it hurts my heart and sole.

Have I demanded what I wanted more recently? Yes. I have trusted my gut and I have said what is on my mind but if I ever hurt someones feelings in the process I always feel bad because that was never my intention. My intention is to love my self first like my tattoo but it is so hard when I care so much about other people that it makes me sick when others are upset.

So yes I want to be a B*tch because then I can get what I want. I can demand things and people will just go with it. I can make requests and people will honor it. I can whine and complain and people will adjust whatever is going on to accommodate me. I want to be a B*tch.

Unfortunately I am not one...... I will continue to do everything for everyone else before myself. I will continue to make sure that everyone around me is happy before I worry about myself. I will continue to adjust myself to accommodate others. And if that means I don't get everything I want then I have to live with that and I have to work harder. But at least I can be considered more of a kind and considerate person than a selfish b*itch.

***That last sentence kinda got dark but welcome to my blog...