Self - Authenticity

Have you ever thought about when - you - found - your - authentic self?

In a more hypothetical way of wondering if others thought of themselves as being different.

How old were you when you found your authentic self? Authentic-self meaning not having to mimic or idolize anyone else. You will know who you truly are and nothing anyone can say, would hurt your feelings or change your mind. When you know - you know. Gold nugget* You will know when you fight hard about something- you worked hard to fix about yourself. If you don’t know yourself, people will turn you into a version suitable to fit them and them alone. Yoke.*

With being a product of humble beginnings, mental health is at a greater implication and has a greater possibility than diabetes. So they were not surprised, statistically that I needed any level of mental health support. During my counseling sessions for anger management, it was prescribed for me to find an interest that offered me solace. Due to me not running track, after a career halting injury, I mentioned that music was my- go to. The truth was I wasn’t listening to music, at that time. I had fallen into a depression and was trying to figure it out on my own. Can you imagine a 15 - 16 year old trying to figure some stuff out on their own. Well, you just got a whiff of my humble pie.

So after being prescribed music by the counselor - by the way - they were court appointed after my humbling experience. I began to listen to my blues and jazz collection - my PaPa Bill gave me over a period of time. At that time, I noticed that I had a little collection forming - as I was pulling out over 50 records from places they were hidden, due to paranoia. Due to the same level of paranoia that claimed my passion causing me to stop writing. At the tender age of now, I understand why my counselor was telling me to get back to my passion and empty my brain of that toxic past - well I was living in hell, so toxic present.

Listening to my top five ladies gave me the strength to fight and listen to God speaking to me. Since I grew up in the church, gospel music was on - constant rotation - in my mother’s house. We were forbidden to listen to secular music; except the music my Papa Bill gifted me.

Is it possible for you to become immune to manipulation? Well, it was the reason for me avoiding music that was forced on me. I believed in my interest. Since I couldn’t believe in much else - on my own. Before I turned on my record player, I was pacing my floor with malice blooming from the furious seed of childhood trauma - shaking me insane. I saw it coming and I didn’t want to be a statistic, so I did exactly what the doctor ordered. I turned my record player on.

And I didn’t look back.

Music has been taking me on a journey - as I bring it with me on mine. Societal norms of humbleness was only one aspect influencing my anger in a nutshell or anyone’s anger in oppression. When I was ordered, Social Injustices were still prevalent and I was fighting a case that was deemed unjust - yet I was charged with assault. I didn’t understand that then and even at my tender age of now. So I decided to take the assault charge as a slap on the wrist and it was better than getting - expelled*. It seemed as though I was caught in a catch 22 - without a paddle.

Due to me being a writer, or poetic back then, I found out that music allowed me to be myself. In the process of me being myself, I was able to experience the essence of Maya Angelou from Caged Bird. I would flip to Nina Simone with her cover of Strangefruit. I immediately found Billie Holiday so I could get to know and understand her perspective. The only time I could write was with music - even at this tender age of now. I knew then that music was my shield of grace.

Grace in the sense of what these women offered me a sense of being myself. Rare. And Uncut

They carried themselves with such grace although bearing a heavy torch of activism. They help me to see the authenticity that comes from being expressive in your fight for inequality of race and feminism. It’s a level of brave selflessness that I believed I possessed - so I wrote my poems with music pumping through my veins. I believed in myself. I believed I could do anything despite how I was raised and whether or not I had an influence in the house. If they could, I believed I could obtain what I wanted to and still have class, dignity and grace. I set out to make it my own and at that tender age it was truly mine because - no one else wanted to perform. But in my mind, I was selected to read my poem for Dr. Rev Martin Luther King birthday celebration.

I was nervous, scared and driven to prove that I was better than what they portrayed me to be. I believed I was a good writer. I would say that I could write anything. I remember when I wrote my 1st rap. It was written for my hometown’s ‘Say No to Drugs’ contest, which was introduced to us at school. My brother volunteered to help me with my entry and it came out so amazing. We were so proud of our work and we did an amazing job winning too. Despite the rapping performance; I knew I was good. I truly believed. So to be reminded of a missed word or my brother’s glasses falling off while he beatboxed, although funny; it stirred projections.

* Projection is a yoke set out like a booby trap waiting to set limits on your life.

When I felt this low level of despair, I would think about Aretha Franklin and her attitude toward gaining her respect. She earned it. So I listened to my Aunt Retha to build my confidence to get on that stage. I would listen to Ella Fitzgerald to be able to learn how to show elegant-grace. Women in our entirety are great. How can you pick just one amazing influence? It takes a village right? Well it took a village to raise me. Music has been an influence and a great representation of teaching - as - you learn. Offering your interpretation is a blessing to anyone needing that level of advice, feeling, urge, tendency, healing, restoration, confidence and even love. I know my top 5 loves me. They were considerate enough to offer their voices to share their stories with me; to save my life.

Representation is everything. I appreciate the selfless souls of artistry. They string cords of growth in my seed even more - at my tender age of now. Every Black woman in music is a sight to see and a blessing to experience their gift. Regardless to how you look at it, Black women are leading the way.

Thank you in advance for reading.

* Disclaimer: All proceeds are used toward the research, education and purchase of my holistic mental health solutions to service urban low-income families. >>>>>Teach 1 = Reach 1 Million<<<<<

"Power is more effective concentrated. There’s no power in disconnection." Dr George C. Fraser

Stay Encouraged!