Rock bottom

I used to be an adamant advocate for staying at rock bottom, or close enough to it that the fall from grace wouldn't kill you, just maim you a little bit.

You see my life used to be not so great. It wasn't like the worst of the worst, I can't claim to have experienced famine or homelessness or the dreaded C word but you know, I had my shit and I battled my demons maybe a little more than the average person so hear me out.

I used to be a bad girl, and in being a bad girl I was a very mad and often times very sad girl. I had chronic emotional issues which I still have to address, a raging temper and an affliction for things and people which made me feel the depth of my sadness even more. Essentially I was just some confused kid engaging in stupid amounts of emotional self harm. And occasionally physical self harm but that comes with the territory doesn't it?

My weekends were spent putting as much powder up my nose as I could without feeling like I was having a god damn heart attack (which happened frequently) or hearing voices that most definitley weren't there (this happened.. less frequently but still a lot more than I would have liked)

I was surrounded by people that had been in the game for years, with no real aspirations or solid dreams. I loved them but you know, they're still there and I'm not so I don't think I'm conceited in saying that I was different.

Now I tried therapy, lots of therapy and I will never knock it. Therapy is amazing, it really is, but it's a temporary fix. It's like popping a spot to relieve the pressure but then still rolling around in the dirt that blocks the pore in the first place.

And I used to cry, a lot. I would cry in my bed, I would cry on the phone, I would cry into my dog (bless her, my furry tissue) and I would lay there on my back, in my shower, with the water raining down on my face, imagining that I was in the rain, and I would bawl. Honestly, it was all very dramatic.

But that was me, except it wasn't but I had convinced myself that it was. That I was just crazy, defective, a lost cause. Don't try and save me, because there is nothing left to save.

ANYWAY, my point, I am getting to it. I tried therapy, I tried self-help books, I tried medication, I tried basically all these quick fixes that people try when they're in a shit hole of a slump and desperate for some reprieve.

But nothing worked. Because the problem is, people like to think they are addressing their problems, but they aren't really, because addressing your problems is kind of annoying and hard and it's really much easier to just be a walking disaster than make any effort to change your life.

Then, disaster struck, I found myself in a really dire situation, I won't go into it because whatever, I will end up diverting from what I'm really trying to say. But I fell into a relationship where all ounce of freedom was stripped from me and my life became chaotic in a whole new manner. When I eventually got the strength the leave, the gratitude I felt at being in control of my life again was overwhelming and I had the greatest epiphany of my entire life (to date, we shall see if I get more).

I knew that the only way to be the girl I wanted to be was to sort my shit out and I mean really sort it. So I started kind of small, I just cut all contact with people that were dragging me down, and then I started exercising, at first a little bit and then a lot. You see I have always been lucky with my weight, looking at me you would assume I was fit I guess but holy hell was I not. So yeah, I started working out every day, mainly lifting heavy weights, throw in a little bit of cardio and a whole lot of punching things.

Eventually, my mood became so dependant on exercise, it became an unconscious habit, of course, I would exercise, I felt like I couldn't cope without it. Then my diet changed, I was suddenly interested in refuelling myself properly, your stomach is but the engine that fuels your vessel. Nice.

Then I started investing in myself again, what is it I would like to achieve? I was already in university (a mature student at 26, so you know, it's never too late) but I had personal goals I wanted to achieve, I wanted to be able to do a headstand, I wanted to be able to do the splits, I wanted to feel proud of myself.

It's funny, looking back at the time that I was wrapped up in everything I was really really unhappy and I never gave much thought to the person I would like to be but now, I think about it a lot. I check in with myself a lot and think about ideas and options of what I could do, and the thought that brings me the most internal elation is the winner.

I started to attract better people into my life, people that genuinely care for me and had the same passions, people that inspired me, challenged me, made me in awe. I opened up more emotionally and big waves of emotion I had once felt became a little smaller.

Fast forward to now. I have an incredible life and please don't read this as bragging but I am so happy with where I am. I do things I never thought I would do, in fact, I do things that if you told me 5 years ago I was doing, I would roll my eyes right into the back of my skull at and gag. But I don't give a fuck past me, you were wrong and miserable and I am right and fulfilled.

I finished uni, I do voluntary work which I love with a fiery passion, I have a great career within the charity sector, I have the most incredible boyfriend who makes life all the more crazy and fun. I read, all the time, for fun?? I started writing again (here we are) I hike, I climb mountains, I surf. I even ran a 10k with plans to run a half marathon in October. I used to get out of breath after 1 minute, no exaggeration.

Essentially what I'm trying to say is. Life is.. life is everything. Life is whatever you want to make of it and you? you are everything, you can be exactly who you want to be. And don't get me wrong, of course I still have days where I feel like the biggest piece of shit on earth, I still have days where my past comes back with a vengeance to tear me to pieces but I know now that I am not who I convinced myself I was.

Because of my experience I now have the goal to start my own not for profit company to help people who feel stuck and don't know how to make that first change. The idea is to take people who are so overwhelmed with depression or anxiety and make them do something crazy, something they've always wanted to do, something that makes them feel alive! I'm lucky in that I have the academic qualifications and work experiance and my boyfriend has the thrill-seeker gene. So hey man, you feel like life isn't worth living? Let's go throw yourself off a building with a bungee and see how you feel after that! Let's go on a three-day hike, we can sit around the campfire, talk about your dreams, your fears, your plans for the future and in the morning we'll push your body to its limit to remind you how fucking capable you are.

It won't be an easy career venture and we won't be in it for the money really. It will just be really about helping. And I know that sounds cliche but it's true so what do you want me to do. That's the dream everyone. And I promise you now it will happen because I've developed this really useful habit of going after what I want come rain or shine, so watch this space!

And yeah, I've been really far from rock bottom for over a year now. I haven't touched drugs, I'm pretty much abstinent from alcohol, I haven't self harmed and really I'm so high that the fall could most definitely kill me. And even 6 months ago that thought would have terrified me, and I have to admit, it still does a little bit. But I just have to build myself up so strong that even if I do fall, I can get myself together and tell myself, right kid, you've been here before, let's get climbing.

And that's what I hope for everyone else to learn, that you are all formidable forces to be reckoned with. Just start living.

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A little after note - I tried not to make this totally self-focused as the message is intended to, dare I say, inspire others. So if you didn't mind reading about someone else's life a little then, cool. If you did then I'm sorry but hopefully the take-home message is still glaringly obvious and nice.