Reflection
One tooth to the key of growth.
“Never change, Danny.” I heard that a lot growing up, even to this day, and in many different ways. Some through humour, some through wisdom and some through over achieving for unappreciative managers. I think as humans some of us strive for change, to be better forms of ourselves, some to be as good as others and sometimes some of us just want to be something.
Iv always been on the move. Not necessarily in terms of travelling physically but more so in ways of always doing something. Wether it’s another get rich quick scheme, building a career, internal soul searching or turning hand to a new interest, I’m a pretty typical Sagittarius. There was a time I wanted to change who I was but it was for the wrong reason, with an honest intention - it was for somebody else. Fortunately it didn’t happen either, although this did lead to a very dark era of my life. Lesson time. Forcing something doesn’t necessarily make it fit. I experienced loss, heartbreak, and depression, I didn’t know who to trust or what I believed in anymore. Relatable?
Eventually I returned to myself, mainly through many sown days and fruitful nights of reflection.
I know this journey took a while and in some ways I am still on that journey, hopefully always will be, but there was one night in particular where I ‘reached the summit’ of that bitch of hill I call myself.
I was out in the middle of nowhere. One hundred miles passed the nearest town and any form of social comfort. It was one of my favourite places Iv ever been and soon become an almost frequent place to visit. Sitting beneath a thousand stars, not a cloud nor man made light in sight. Just myself beneath a blanket of awe and infinite possibilities.
The sand beneath me was still warm from day, I was tucked between two dunes so the almost silent wind was even less known. Star gazing. I knew I was here for a reason, my intuition was almost taunting me to come. I got comfortable. Wriggling to create a groove for my bum and a hump for my legs, I took a deep, deep breath and held it for a moment. I brought the pain to the surface - all the shit Iv been ‘trying to get over’. I reflected. Then with one conscious exhale, I released it all. I laughed. I smiled. I shed a tear then sniffled up a single runny nostril (left side) and settled back into my comfort.
For the next while, perhaps an hour or two, could’ve been more but time was not relevant, I reflected. I sat with my worries, my ‘failures’ I held against myself and the expectation that I believed needed to be achieved to become the person I wanted to change into.
I laughed. I smiled. I whispered to myself.. “fucking idiot”.
I laughed again.
Reflection - to me - is like a plateau between what is subjective and objective, an art. Reflection become a way of looking at things from alternative perspectives, understanding the cause and effect that spread way beyond my own personal gains or losses. Cruel as a mirror and as loving as a mother, truths that we deny to recognise and lies that we tell ourselves to survive. Man, I was tense.
I took a deep breath and returned to the present.
I laughed, I cried, I smiled.
I snuggled back into my little sandy cranny as a sense of satisfaction warmed my body, it warmed my thoughts, I found comfort.
I dug deeper into my darkness, surrendering to the unknown, I felt oddly safe here - almost familiar, like I was home again. A home forgotten.
Why did I feel this way?
Immediately I reflected on questions. I had so many, so so so many questions.
Personally, I strive for knowledge, to understand things that interest me, to know why that happened, how this works, who’s to blame! What’s coming next!? When is it coming!?!?
Fuck.. more reflection.
I laughed. I got comfortable. I taunted myself even deeper.
I did not look for answers to these questions. I reflected on why I had them. Where did they come from? Why do they provoke my emotions and most importantly, how do I release them.
Surrendering is difficult, especially for us stubborn folk. Its almost like Iv taken a loss to myself but no, I’m always a winner! No matter how much energy needs spending, I ain’t no looser!
Truth was, I’m both.. and neither.
I laughed, smiled and licked away a single salty, snotty tear.
I returned to my thoughts. Reflection was becoming fun.
I realised I had been running too fast, too hard, too desperately after an image. A construct developed by my own imagination that I believed would solve all my problems.
‘Fucking idiot.’
I laughed again.
Grounded by the roots of my soul bearing boots. Comfortable and satisfied. Lost and found.
“Never change, Danny”, I told myself.
Life IS hard and for some it’s meant to be more so. Just don’t make it harder for yourself.
Take a moment of silence, reflect. Be true to yourself, honest in your desires and present in the moment.
It’s your god damn Earth right.
About the Creator
Danny CJ Mitchell
I write for fun.
I also take pictures.
www.danimitcharu.com
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