Questions About My Future

My BIGGEST concern for my future would be: My Brain.

2.5 Years ago now, I had an accident at work. I cracked my head off of a wooden shelving unit, and then back onto the cement floor. I wasn't found until 6 hours later, and a few more EXCRUCIATING hours later, I was diagnosed with a Traumatic Brain Injury brought on by a Severe Concussion.

To THIS DAY, I still suffer from CONSTANT MIGRAINE PAIN, I'm constantly nauseous, dizzy, my ears ring non-stop, I'm often disoriented and confused, I'm EXTREMELY light sensitive, and EXTREMELY sound sensitive. I can't regulate my body temperature, my risk assessment, or my mood. I now have been diagnosed with Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Complex PTSD. I have horrible trauma responses to beeping, fire alarms, flashing lights, and even bending over or sitting down. I black out or loose consciousness for a minimum few moments - a few minutes every single time I have a level change. (Sitting to standing, standing to sitting, standing and bending, sitting and bending.... Lying down and sitting up....) I also have trouble turning my head, as it feels like there's a giant pool inside my brain just sloshing around in there and creating more and more pressure as the days go by. And to top it all off, I now have 3 different types of seizures that I experience, depending on my brain that moment and the trigger. (#lifeisaparty) hahaha

To say the least, my life will never be the same.

I am forever changed.

I have been hospitalized more than 15+ for seizures, suicide watch, or for experiencing symptoms of reconcussion. (excessive vomiting, uncontrolable epeleptic seizures, and other brain trauma).

There was a serious chunk of time there, where I honestly didn't think I'd be alive today.

Now, each and every day that I wake up, I am blessed.

Despite the pain, constant pulsing through my spine, and the SCREAMING of my nervous system 24/7 - I choose to be grateful.

Even though my head hurts so bad I can't see straight most of the time (unless I'm rediculously high on pain meds - EH-OH! *face palm*) But now, I have a medical marijuana card, and this path is creating MUCH MORE EASE for me then the opioids did.... (yikes).

So for me, not only is my FUTURE completely up in the air...

I don't know what the next 10 seconds has in store.

Could be awesome.

Or I could be bed ridden for the next 2 months.

Who's to say.

So! I choose to live my life in 10 second increments (thanks Access!)

And I CHOOSE to be happy.

I CHOOSE to find the JOY

I CHOOSE to focus on the GOOD.

People often comment and say, "You're so bubbly" or "You're just so happy and it makes me smile"

But here's the secret.....

It's all a CHOICE.

I have horrible days, lots of dark days, days where the fog of depression and despair feel like they will never end.

I have days where my pain is so bad I feel as though I will never get out of bed again.

I have days where my anxiety is so severe I'm scared to look up because I'm afraid the fire alarm will go off if I look at it wrong.

But I made a commitment to myself - to RISE ABOVE.

To BE THE LIGHT!

To BE KIND

To BE UNDERSTANDING

To BE RESPECTFUL

To BE CALM

To BE CONSIDERATE

To BE HAPPY

To CHOOSE to use these experiences, the darkeness, the anger, pain, suffering, and frustration -- and turn it into something beautiful <3

Turning all the trauma into lessons learned.

Turning the pain into new ways of healing.

Turning every tear shed into someone else's inspiration to be happier.

And I CHOOSE to feel BLESSED for everything I experience, for it has allowed me to become a much more healed version of me.

You never know what life has in store for you.

Be grateful and love your life for all it is right here, and right now.

If you don't like something, change it.

Do the work.

It'll take you futher than you ever thought possible.

Love yourself more, hold your loved ones and tell them how special they are to you.

Stop hiding behind fear, self criticism, and judgement.

SHINE BRIGHT!

Life is beautiful <3 and so are you.