Putting Your Fucking Self First

Do you know those times when you don’t feel happy at all, but you also don’t feel sad and you end up feeling nothing and just empty? Yup, I am very familiar with that subject. Always have been, but mainly now.

I am currently living in Edinburgh for three months, alone, with no family and, honestly, no friends. I came here to do an internship and quite frankly, once I arrived, I thought it would be the most amazing time of my life — new city to explore, new culture, new colleagues at work, and lots of people who could turn out to be my friends, and even cute boys who could be something more. I know, I am a dreamer! But it could happen, at least the whole exploring the city and meeting new people part of it.

Unfortunately for me, absolutely nothing turned out to be what I expected. To synthesize it in one sentence: I came here to do a specific laboratory job and I ended up not going there once. My boss didn’t give me any guidance. I had literally nothing to do for weeks, no tasks, no schedule. I got robbed renting a room. The only two people I am sort of friends with, I am only able to see once every two weeks, maximum, and I was obviously spending money like crazy.

So, honestly, I ended up feeling like shit. Not that it was the first time I’ve ever felt like this (more like the 187,329th time), but I don’t know why. Everything that went wrong, in my head, seemed like it was only and completely my fault. That happened until, well, until now, to be totally sincere with you. I am still struggling through the guilt I feel, but a few weeks ago I just woke up and thought that I needed to do something to change the awful experience I was having. Until then, I stayed at home during the weekend, sometimes even during week days because my boss couldn’t care less if I appeared or not at the office, I wasn’t taking care of myself as I goddamn should, and I was living like I didn’t care about anything, which frankly, I didn’t.

But one day I woke up and I just had enough. I realised I deserved better than what I was getting here in this beautiful city and deserved to treat myself better. So, I got my ass out of bed (just to get a notebook, the change in my mood wasn’t that quick), grabbed a pen, and started making lists — which I find quite relaxing now (I know, NERD!).

So, I made quite a lot of different lists and I basically wrote whatever came to mind at the moment and I also ended up reviewing them every couple of days, or once every week… Well, the first list I wrote was “Why like me?” It may seem egocentric, but I was for sure in need to feel like I had some sort of quality or something good in my personality or even in my body. So, I started with something simple. I wrote “lips” and also “eyes.” Then I thought deep down. Anything about my character that I thought was good. I wrote “being direct/sincere” and also “passionate.” I also wrote a few more things, but I guess you understand what I am trying to say.

Next list was “Kiss Ass/Boss Actions,” in which I intended to write situations in which I had some behaviour I enjoyed or a moment that made feel powerful. I also started with small things, like “receiving a compliment by professor Joaquim on the English presentation,” “having the courage to do a tattoo” through “having the guts to put myself first after breaking up with Jorge”, ending up in “separating my cousin and Filipe in their fight and giving them an amazing speech.” Small situations or not, they were moments in which I felt like I was strong.

This next one I remember really well because it was one of the easiest and funniest to do, “Hobbies.” It included things I loved to do with my friends and family, such as “going to the cinema” or “going to a cafe,” but also things I loved doing on my own and I ended up forgetting about like “skating,” “walking in the park,” “reading a book while having a cup of tea,” and so on…

I ended up with five or six different lists and this final one was one of the hardest. It was the “Flaws and Defects,” which I ended up changing the name two weeks after to “Improve on.” Regarding this one, it was the most difficult, painful, as well as the longest, I did. It also started with my appearance (and having in mind I was a couple of kilos fatter, it was quite easy finding things to write on this) “large, ugly nose,” “huge, fat cellulitis legs,” and “small invisible boobs.” And after a good eight physical flaws, I went through to the psychological ones, which started with some realistic things such as “disorganized,” “lazy,” “shy,” and “anxious,” to some not as realistic that turned out being more like outbursts like “stupid,” “selfish asshole,” “confused mess,” “idiot” and some others which I'd rather not mention…

This was, although it may not seem like it, very painful to read after just exploding and writing everything that popped into my head. So I read everything, and I decided I needed a break. I stepped out of my bed, went for a shower, and came back… I read it another time and found myself doing one final list. This one was on a new fresh sheet of paper and it was entitled “What I want to be doing…” It was divided in three different sections “… next year,” followed by “how to get there?” and “… in five years.”

In this one, I didn’t write thoughtlessly. I really imagined everything I was going to write before doing it. It is pretty much self-explanatory. After reading my flaws, I started writing things I wanted to do to contradict those flaws. So, in the “… next year,” I wrote things like, “doing another internship”, “beginning my Masters degree,” “finally completing my Bachelors,” “taking my drivers’ licence,” “being more active,” “having a routine” and things like that. Next to it, I wrote simple habits or ways that could help me achieve those goals: “save money,” “have a summer job,” “entering the gym,” and so on…

In the “… in five years,” I got confused and ended up doing a sort of bucket list. I know I am stupid, don’t judge me please! I wrote thing like “travelling to at least five different countries,” “finishing my Masters and start working,” “have financial stability,” “have my own house,” “adopt a dog” and obviously “have a fucking awesome boyfriend in a freaking stable relationship.” Yup, I got too excited but anyway…

The point of me telling you all this shit is: there is no hard situation that cannot be solved. You must have friends that you can trust, and family (blood or not) that can advise you in certain situations. I had all that stuff and I still felt empty. I felt like I wasn’t worthy of anything AGAIN! Yes, again, because it was not the first time. But before getting to the stage I’ve once been on I putted myself first. I got out of my comfort zone, I started talking with my friends, and I had the courage to confront my issues. So, if you are in that stage where you feel alone, lost, empty, and weak, try and do something like I did. I am not saying it is 100 percent confirmed by psychiatrists and psychologists, but it worked for me, so I guess it is worth the shot. Every week I go to that previously named “Flaws” list and I cross one thing off, or I go to this new list “Achievements” and put another small step towards my happy ending. If it worked for me, and if it made me realise that I am worth more than a piece of shit, it may work for you as well.

Attention to this point! This was not the first time I was “depressed” (don’t like using this word but I think it is the only that can summarise the whole text above). In previous times, making lists didn’t even cross my mind. I wasn’t just empty. I was sad, lost. It was my family and my friends that helped me in my worse crisis (I lost 12 kilos in two weeks!). I just want you to know that you are not fucking alone. Always in some corner, there are people ready to hear you. You need only to have the guts to expose yourself, which I know it’s not easy, but it is achievable. And that was all it took for me.