Put down that donut and listen

Opening my eyes on January 1, 2021 was different from opening my eyes on January 1, 2020 for numerous reasons, but the main difference is in 2021 I woke up a pessimist. It is no conundrum as to why that is of course. In 2020, I woke up with the phrase “Clear vision, clear future” hanging off my lips, whereas this year I woke up with a less eloquent phrase… “Now what?”

Yes, I realize a new year embodies new beginnings, a fresh start, hope, but at the same time waking up on December 31 and January 1 isn’t so different. Personally, I don’t know about you, but I woke up with the same problems, attitude, body, and mind. Shocker right? I mean I went to sleep in quarantine and woke up in quarantine to the same damn alarm I use everyday. I know, I know, you are probably wondering, “When does she turn things around and get to the motivational parts?” I’m getting there, just hold your horses a wee bit more.

I guess I am feeling semi-positive about the fact that I actually survived a global pandemic, race riots, election riots, and the total melt down of law and order in the United States otherwise known as 2020. To be honest, if you had asked the old me if I would have survived that I probably would have said no, but here I am stronger and not so better than ever.

I guess what is all boils down to is 2020 gave me a major reality check. Life is a struggle and sometimes it has you wondering if you are in heaven or hell. There is no direct path to the stars. Instead it's more like a rollercoaster, sometimes you wish you had never gotten on, and other times you feel like you can fly.

So, let’s just say I am approaching 2021 like I would a really good book. I am not sure what the ending holds, I’m guessing there will be a few major plot twists, but hopefully it will keep me enthralled and inspired, and I will still hope as hard as I can for a happy ending. Still, I no longer have the grand illusion of “this year is my year” clouding my eyes. If I want this year to be my year, I have to work harder than I ever have before, and to be quite honest, I’m freaking tired.

Yes, I want to lose the extra weight, yes I want to finish getting my degree, yes I want to force myself to love yoga like everyone else, but none of these things are just going to magically happen because the new year has started. They are going to happen if I finally buckle down and make them happen. For starters, I have to stop eating every time I hear something negative on the news. If I keep that up I will weight 800 lbs in no time (no I do not weight ANYWHERE close to 800 lbs just for the record). I can’t keep using world events as an excuse to break self discipline. One more donut because I’m sad is not going to make things any better. In fact, that extra donut will usually send me into a downward spiral of depression as I am a girl and subject to society’s unfortunate obsession with thinness. At the same time, I cannot restrict myself so much that I end up going on a state-wide cupcake extravaganza spree (I have had many a spree in my lifetime due to unhealthy overly restrictive diets). I also have to accept that I will not drop 10 lbs in a week eating a healthy balanced diet. Patience is key, unfortunately I misplaced that key years ago and keep trying to open the same locked door (insert eye-roll here). Quick fixes were a complete no go in 2020, so I have to understand that they too will not work in 2021.

As for becoming a yoga yogi in my infamous amount of newly found spare time, I have forced myself to start stretching every day. Do I sometimes complain about, shorten, or sleep through my stretching sessions? Yes, because I am a work in progress, but am I stretching way more than I did before? Heck yes! Another thing I need to do is learn to give credit where credit is due. So, beating myself up for trying but not meeting perfection is a habit that needs to bounce. I stretched 5 days this week. Now, the old me would say, “Well you were lazy and you didn’t stretch 7 days,” but instead I should give myself a pat on the back (even though I would rather give myself that aforementioned cupcake). My quest for perfection did not end well in 2020, so it definitely needs to just die in 2021. However, I am going to have to quit equating yogurt with yoga. Sadly, despite what my sarcastic brain thinks they are not the same.

As for my degree, which currently feels like the 5th degree of aggravation, the world is a very different place now. The stakes are higher, the courses are harder, and everything is online. I can only get away with having “technical issues” a couple times in each of my classes which means buckling down and focusing is a must. However, first I need to answer a not so simple question, “What do I want to do with my life?” Yes, I am 25 years old and I have no clue what career I want, so deciding which route to go educationally is difficult to say the least. Before 2020, I was going to be an art history major and work for a museum, but then the world collapsed and so did my sanity. So here we are, after the illusion of a straight forward future has been shattered, we are back to, “Now what?”

This is where things get trickier and stickier. I have to find my motivation again in an entirely different world and life than before. I’ve been knocked, punched, kicked, and smacked down so many times that I don’t always want to or no how to get back up, and 2020 was a huge smack down. For starters, I have to find my path in life without leaving my house. Let’s call it the path never traveled, the butt on couch approach. There is nothing like approaching your future in your pajamas with an episode of Friends playing in the background. The bright side is you don’t have to where pants to your interview. The downside is also you do not wear pants to your interview. However, there is something I have now that I didn’t have before. A grit to not only survive but thrive. My innocent naivety was about any easy life was murdered in 2020 by myself, so I am not pressing charges. That is the thing about 2020, we all came out stronger and with a strength we didn’t know we had.

So, perhaps I’m not as pessimistic about 2021 as I originally claimed to be, but my hopefulness has nothing to do with the change in date but the change in myself. Despite the number of the year my future is what I put into it. Sure, I don’t have the everything is coming up roses mentality that would equate to a feeling of optimism for 2021, but I have a determination that wasn’t there before. So happy new year everybody. Put down that donut, put on some pants, don’t leave your house, and don’t make casual resolutions. Instead, let your pessimism prepare you for the year ahead, because after surviving 2020, anything is possible.

The En….I mean The Beginning ;-)