PURE JOY

We search for it. Suffer greatly at times to capture it. At the median of the the spectrum tilts hope mix with uncertainty - call it faith. I will not oversell or undersell honesty. It keeps me from faking the orgasmic bliss of total surrender. Nothing compares to the all encompassing warmth to be free, at that moment, of anything less than uphoria. Doubt, pain, anguish, lust, hardship, all that once written suffering: absent and without substance when pure joy is at the core of one's soul. I'm guilty of lying to myself about finding it. Wanting it so bad, you'll pull regret right out of the ashes and show it to be true. For it can be difficult to know when pure joy is enjoyed or it's a forced feeling one is supposed to feel. A lie told to us from what others see it to be for themselves. Therefore, what it's should be for ourselves.

I remembered being apart of winning a football championship. A goal that was shared by a team. A group of like minded men striving everyday with countless obstacles to achieve an accomplishment that could never be taken away. We're talking history. There was more joy in the journey than the ring. An excitement for telling stories than the acknowledgment of a time reaching its end. Every year different. Different players, different adversity, different story line, different expectations. A love not felt to its fullest until the journey is over. Then comes the crash.

Everyone you broke bread with jumping jubilantly in the air, as if the clouds would catch them. Each player trying to find the nearest teammate or coach. Our athletic trainer getting doused with Gatorade, fans jumping into each other's arms. Me feeling cold. More relieved because the alternative is to walk away having the last moment lost to the archives as 2nd best. And that outcome at its most optimistic.

I remember my children being born and excited about both events. To know I would have love last the rest of my life. And then to have that miracle happen again. Was it pure joy? Responsibility for the rest of your life, the teenage years, the arguments. They balance out with their first words, their hugs and their impact on the world. But pure joy? Both of their births I was more worried about their mom. Both mothers experienced difficulties and the pure joy would have to wait.

Then the relations with both mothers turned. I'm not a monster or quitter or unlovable. I am a human who deserves to be loved as I love. A kind soul in fact. Not perfect and with mistakes - so I'll take the mercy one can give and give it back without judgement. I suppose this is also a journey, so I say with a bit of anguish, perhaps pure joy is...

Being in love.

I can't put into words the feeling of being in love. Love is a false pretense. You think you're in love. Certainly the chase is exciting, and then expectations. Love turns easy, too easy. As much as love feels like joy, you know there's going to be heartbreak. Both love and pure joy are misleading and carry with them let downs after time.

Instead, I say, joy and love is in the journey itself - it's not a destination. It's driving in the car with someone who means everything more than anything else life possibly could. The photo is of my daughter, Sienna and me. I couldn't remember where we were going, but I can distinctly remember this moment because this moment was pure joy.