Postcards from a Pandemic, Part Five: Hits and Misses

Gradually, in the middle of April, a shaky consensus is emerging: There’s a faint light at the end of the tunnel. Within weeks, those of us living constrained lives of Netflix, long walks, and earlier and earlier cocktail hours, will be forced out of our bunkers to confront what we once called “the real world.”

So, with that hopeful outlook in mind, and in a departure from my previous, quite serious post in this series, I’ll take a somewhat lighter look at what we’ll miss, and what we won’t, from the Longest Weekend Ever, 2020.

HITS

1. TIME: Remember when we used to moan on and on about how we never had time for anything? Well, this may have a been a case of “be careful what you wish for,” amirite? Still, the long, languorous days, with precious little need to look at clocks, very little concern for being anywhere on time, and countless hours to spend with the people we always proclaim we want to spend more time with (spouses, kids, etc.), these will be memories we’ll be longing for come this time next year. “Ah, remember how we just ate pizza and watched Better Call Saul for five weeks? Good times.”

2. DAY DRINKING: The physicians among us may want to leave the room right about now. But the Longest Weekend Ever retook the world for heroic day drinking. Nobody seriously questioned why we didn’t really consider anything but labelling liquor stores “essential services,” although before the pandemic, people would likely have scoffed. But, once faced with the possibility of domestic units sealed up together for an indefinite time without liquor, and what potential horrors this might bring, we all silently, and maturely decided to admit to ourselves that the majority of the population are functioning alcoholics. They say admitting it is the first step, anyway. Man, this Sauvignon Blanc is delicious. It is 4:33 PM.

3. STRETCHY PANTS: With no gyms or pools open, that nagging voice that says “You really ought to be going something, fatty” recedes into the background. Suddenly, ordering pizza becomes a civic duty. Support your local businesses! Yes, we’re all getting fatter. But it won’t last forever, and within a few weeks, it’ll be January all over again. But hey, for now, extra cheese please!

4. SUNSHINE AND SIMPLE PLEASURES: Suddenly, going for a walk is a big treat. Simple pleasures are in again, and, bonus points, they are cheap. Your kids can no longer bug you to take them to the latest Disney film, because unless it’s on Netflix, that ship has sailed. Ditto fun parks, toy stores, and other wallet-suckers. “Let’s go for a walk” has become “We’re going to Disneyland!” Dad says, “Yay!”

5. BOTTOM RAIL ON TOP: Suddenly, with governments quite willing to pay people a lot of money to stay at home, in fear that otherwise, they will riot, workers can now feel a little of the clout they’ve long been denied. Jobs once considered the province of failures and rejects, such as selling groceries and driving trucks, are now revealed to actually be far more important than whatever the hell Ryan Reynolds does. Did you ever expect you’d hear people calling janitors heroes? Well, they are. It won’t last, but it’s nice anyway.

6. IT’S COOL TO KNOW STUFF: I think it’s safe to say that, generally, this is not a society that values intelligence. However, right now, when we are threatened by something which can only be seen in an electron microscope, smart people become valuable. Right now, the most popular person in the Province of BC is undoubtedly Dr Bonnie Henry, the no-nonsense Chief Public Health Officer. The most popular politician in the US is now nerdy Ohio Governor Mike DeWine, not the bombastic President Trump or his shrill Democratic opponents. Knowing stuff is cool. It won’t last, buy hey, it’s great while it does.

7. SLEEP: Remember when your big problem was not getting enough? Now, the big problem many of us have is getting too much. This may be the thing we miss the most, in the end.

MISSES

1. LITTLE HITLERS: Okay, I get it. “Stay the fuck at home, etc. etc.” While there’s nothing wrong with reinforcing the common-sense messages of social distancing and no, 5G towers do not cause COVID-19, let’s face it: There is a certain segment of our society that gets aroused by telling other people what to do. The English call these people “Little Hitlers,” and the title is apropos. Strident, full of certainty in the righteousness of their cause, Little Hitlers do not care why you are on the ferry to Victoria on a long-weekend; no, they are certain you should not be, and they will go on YouTube to denounce you for it. Some of these Little Hitlers acquire rather more authority than they ought to and go around writing up people for talking to their neighbours in an adjoining driveway. I don’t like these people, and the sooner we take away their megaphones and sense of self-importance, the better.

2. FEAR: People aren’t just socially distancing with a wave and a smile; no, some of them clearly look like they aren’t happy you’re still on this planet at all. We already put up a lot of barriers between ourselves and our fellows as it is; COVID-19 has made things worse. I won’t miss the fear.

3. HOME-SCHOOLING: Yes, it sounds like a good idea. But my kids associate being at home with relaxing and fun, not schoolwork, and it’s the work of more than a few weeks to change these habits. Plus, what’s up with this new math shit? It took me twelve years to learn the old math, and now they change it? I can’t wait for the teachers to show us again what we pay them for.

4. LACK OF SEX: When you have kids, you count on them being away for a certain part of the day so that you and your spouse may make the Beast with Two Backs. Absent anyone to look after them, sex becomes a distant memory, and since it’s one of the few forms of exercise I get, I can’t afford to miss it.

5. SOCIAL DISTANCING: Once we no longer need to stand two metres apart from each other, I fully intend to go full on Italian, gropy Joe Biden, in any social situation. Watch out everyone, I wanta big kiss!

I am sure there are other things, but that’s all I can think of right now. I want it to end, but also, I don’t. What can I say? It’s been a weird weekend.