People of Earth, These Are the 7 Resolutions You Should Make This Year

Dear Humans,

I am Beezzeeppo from the planet Faldarrone, located in a nebula so far away your minds couldn’t comprehend the distance. For the past two of your Earth years, my training assignment centered on watching you fleshy bipeds as you scurried around your planet. While much of what I’ve seen is appalling, I see many of you striving to do better.

From my vantage point, it’s clear why some of you are more successful than others. An important ingredient is the time you spend resting, but perhaps that isn’t common knowledge there on the ground.

Since you have a weird obsession with marking time by the movement of planetary bodies, I know it’s customary to create resolutions as one of your new years begins. I figured I might as well share my insights, though I doubt most of you will pay attention. Here are seven things you should include in your resolutions for this year.

1. Sleep

I swear to the Sovereign Multaffa, the supreme being of Faldarrone, the need for sleep should be obvious, even with your tiny solo brains. Yet, day after day, I observe in morbid fascination as you deny yourself this simple need. Even with my four brains, I can’t comprehend it.

Instead, you choose to sit for hours hunched over desks or trudging away to multiple jobs which keep you working long past when you should stop. Even when in your homes, you don’t rest. Your addiction to the screens around you stops you from closing your eyes.

When your weak bodies finally succumb to exhaustion and you drift off to sleep, the moment you stir, you immediately reach for a screen. I’m not a fan of humans, but it’s painful to see you torture yourselves this way.

For the new year, vow to sleep. Give yourself at the very least seven hours to be in your beds. Turn out those lights and leave your screens in another room.

While we’re at it, get a decent mattress. You wonder why you can’t drift off to sleep, and then flop around, trying to locate a comfy spot between the 20 years of indentions marking your mattress. Spend some of the money from your endless hours of work and give yourself a comfortable resting spot.

2. Devices

Let’s go back to electronic devices for a moment. From the moment you open your eyes in the morning until you finally close them again at night, you keep your eyes glued to the glowing screens around you.

Maybe I’m a hypocrite for saying this, as everything I know about you is from the months I’ve been watching the holo displays on my ship, but my kind doesn’t need to sleep. Our brains take turns resting. With four to choose from, one is always awake.

Besides, I don’t have any other choices, following the feeds is my job. I can’t breathe in your planet’s atmosphere, and the brilliance of many of you humans would lead you to kill me before even asking my name. So I’m stuck in my ship for now, at least until my time is up and I can go back to Faldarrone.

There’s nothing keeping you attached to your screens except your inner voices telling you to keep looking. Your fear of missing out keeps you scrolling all day, but none of your screen time is improving your quality of life.

Make a resolution to get away from the stupid screens. Put down your phone, walk away from the TV, and turn off the computer. Switch your devices off and live life again. Talk to other humans in real time, using actual words, and for goodness’ sake, get some sleep.

3. Nature

Part of the reason I’m monitoring Earth is to see if there’s any value to all the green covering your planet. Faldarrone doesn’t have trees or plants, but the abundance of them on Earth seems to imply you need them.

Your biped companions who spend time out amongst the green, or what you call nature, smile and laugh more frequently. They sleep better at night, and even perform more efficiently at their jobs.

Make a resolution to spend more time in the green around you. Explore the leaves and flowers and suck in the oxygen the green produces. You’ll feel better if you do.

4. Snuggling

Another habit I discern with the well-adjusted among you is taking the time to snuggle. Whether it’s with another adult, one of the little bipeds, or those furry creatures you’re so fond of, the people who spend even a few minutes snuggling each day seem to be much happier.

On Faldarrone, we don’t touch each other. Do you know how many bacteria you can transfer in a single touch? I can’t even imagine how disgusting you must be. 

Yet, your kind seems to thrive from the closeness you experience when pulling an object of affection near to you. Let the germs flow because physical touch appears to be a vital need for you.

Make a resolution to find a snuggle buddy and vow to spend time every day holding each other.

5. Reading

There’s one thing you humans have gotten right. You pursued the arts and created these marvelous beings called writers. So far, they are the only bipeds I like.

Truth be told, the reason I’m still in this assignment is because I volunteered. I found access to some of your most-talented writers, and once I started reading, I couldn’t stop.

Reading is a gift, and it’s taught me more about your people than anything I’ve seen from observing you. Best yet, I have experienced more of life than most of you because of the things I’ve read.

Perhaps I will be the first writer on Faldarrone, and this message to you, my first creation. I’ll have to let you know.

The humans who read regularly are calmer and more optimistic.

I know you only bought the books to make you appear smart. Don’t forget, I see everything up here. Why not take them off the dusty shelf and open them up? Better yet, make a resolution to schedule a block of time every day for reading. It’ll be a great way to use the time you’ll gain from stepping away from your mesmerizing screens.

6. Vacation

From white sand beaches to jagged mountains covered in frozen water, you humans seem to live for vacations. Or at least that’s what you tell yourselves, because as much as you supposedly love vacations, few of you go anywhere. 

When you travel in your little herds to enjoy a change of scenery, you return more rested and productive. Except for spring break, that is. No one seems to come back from that holiday feeling any better than before they went. Consider eliminating the spring break disaster.

Even though you know the restorative value of resting on vacation, only a small number of you actually do it. You go on day after day slogging along to the same routine: screen, work, screen, sleep, repeat.

Make a resolution to take at least one vacation this year. Whether you fly halfway across the planet or put up a tent in the neighbor’s backyard, leave your home for a few days. Unplug from your everyday world and see more of the blue marble you live on.

7. Tea

Okay, so this one really blows three of my four minds. My fourth brain believes everything and is no doubt responsible for me being sent here in the first place.

Anyway, here’s a habit that works well for lots of you. The most peaceful of you on the planet take some of the green outside, dry it out, and then put it in hot water until it turns the liquid either green or brown, and then they drink it! It sounds to me more like something from a waste facility, but you consume this tea concoction to relax.

As I’ve monitored your people around the planet, the ones who take time to sit down and enjoy a hot cup of tea also slow down and look at their problems with more realism. I stare in amazement as their breathing slows and their heart rate drops, all from drinking a little polluted hot water.

Even if you think it’s as weird as I do, find some of those dried greens from outside, dunk them in steaming water for a while, and drink the result. There’s something special about that tea, and its effects are unmistakable on the faces of those who drink it.

Well, humans, I hope you’ll take some of my advice and consider these ideas as you plan your resolutions for the new year. Too many of you are bustling around without ever raising your heads to appreciate the world around you. Slow down. 

Make the resolution to take time for rest. It’s more vital than almost anything else you can do, so don’t leave it out of your schedule.

Pursue these good habits and you’ll have a better year.

I’m here for at least another three of your Earth years, so I’ll be watching.

From the space above,

Beezzeeppo