Pariah—Lonely Living in 2018

I can feel the uncertainty and sadness in the air. It is almost tangible and if you sit too still you can get infected yourself. I don't know if it's the way that 2018 has been. We have lost many of the legends and stable leaders in politics, music, and science from Aretha Franklin, to John McCain, to Stephen Hawking. The air feels different, our country is controlled by unstable, shady leaders who make America come off as elephants in the room. It seems that we are also becoming more hateful, more polarized, and colder as our leaders make affairs seem common, and turn the other way to climate change, and our warming weather. We have turned back time in many ways to push us back for trans rights, and walls are attempting to be built to divide us from our immigrants. We are becoming more and more isolated within our phones, within the rigor of demands from our academics to our jobs. It is hard to trust others, and we close our hearts more and more each day in frustration and hate-speech towards ourselves subconsciously. I can feel somber emotions seep into my core, and I don't know if it is my empathic feeling the sorrow of war continuing for generations, I can feel the violent hearts, I can feel the breakups, I can feel the fading friendships, and frustrations. People are feeling deep despair, and it has been ongoing for the past two years under the Trump administration.

It seems that there was always issues with race, immigration, women's rights, and climate change. These were the issues that we owned, but we were making progress for progressive change. It seems that now the struggle is getting harder younger, the pain is coming closer, and the trauma is throbbing in our heads. We are looking at each other, and searching for answers to the why's and why not's to our situations. For me, I am reading so much, I am looking to my elders, I am doing emotional regulation, and paying close attention to being compassionate for myself and others. I am searching for my life to be easier, and smoother. I am sure that people are waiting for their big breaks. It seems like this season more and more people need help. Donation advertisements are in full force from Wounded Warriors, to Saint Jude's, to War Survivors. I am not sure if it's the stress of my senior year in college, or if it is really the case that we were under a grey cloud of gloom and despair in 2018.

I went through the heartbreaking process of losing my academic scholarship last semester. It seems like I am crying out for understanding and empathy, and that my brain needs a break. Overwhelming emotions, sickness, surgery, heartbreak, and fear are just a few feelings that plagued me this year. I am trying to be grateful, and practice compassion, and be better to the world, but it is joy that is so hard to find today. We say that we are doing great, but we are deceiving each other and ourselves. We are crying out of comfort, and home. Remember when America felt homey? When our houses felt warmer, and our smiles were genuine, and our fears were transformed into applause and pride. I used to be sociable, an actor, a story-teller, an inventor, an "over-giver" ( which I still am). My empathy stretches to a place that I fight my body's wishes to be the comfort for others. Being perfectly honest sometimes my body needs a release, needs some empathy too. But, my body is prepped to be defensive, and takes in food to fatten my belly, and cover my pain. It is my continuous cycle, for as long as I have been on Vocal.com. But, my mind loves risk and adventure. I am stubbornly persistent, that must be why I keep posting on Vocal even though my views are usually in the teens.

I began writing in 2017 in the summer. A burnt out, and broke college student, walking in a false faith, and in love with people and not myself. I used 2018, as a year to choose myself, but I suffered when I chose other people's comfort over my own. I learned that I can't make anyone feel anything from me and I can't control my fate even in persistence. You can want someone to love you, you can want your professors to have empathy on your grades, you can want internships, and even more money, but the journey reminds you that you are human. You are not immune from pain, depression, anxiety, or fear. I guess my perspective on these issues is changing again. Being able to know my triggers has helped me, maybe you should do some self-reflection as well? 2018 for me was the year that I found and lost my first love, the year that sickness and violence appeared in my family, the year my favorite advisor moved forward, the year that I found distant loves, and matured into a stronger woman after my first surgery. Whew!

I just do not find it surprising that people are being so internally violent, and masking their pain in addictions and drugs. Our leaders are not trustworthy, and we are only just now starting to see some light by creating balance with more inclusive leadership. With this passing year, I can just feel the grief of the important loving souls that we have lost. These were brilliant, funny, charismatic, spiritual, and courageous people. People that loved their children, that survived against all odds, that stood for something and believed in themselves! I love authenticity, and I am working on giving my body a break in 2019. I want to see the fruits of my labor in 2019. I want to see the smiles on the faces of my family members, and new relationships form, I want to see sparks fly, and values come back. I want to see the gap between the haves and the have-nots get a little smaller. 2018 is slowly coming to its last weeks and boy I feel tired! It has been a hard year's work, hasn't it?

I am so blessed to be here writing for you. I committed to my passions this year and followed my heart. I turned into a form of my old self being courageous, and an inventor for form joy and brighten up lives that I may never meet. Even if my views are in the teens they are forever etched. I feel grateful for this year of despair. I know that despair is a temporary condition. I have witness miracles in health, and love form out of struggling conditions. I have felt healing in my heart from inner turmoil and stones in my core. The pain was taken from my body, and I was healed emotionally and spiritually in this crescendo of love and mercy thank you Universe! Family still exists, there are hands to hold, songs to sing, laughs to give, stars to glow down at us, and relationships waiting to bloom.

I am sure if you were given a chance to write about your year we could both have an unbelievable best-selling book to publish! I want to thank anyone that is reading my writing, wherever you are, stop, breathe, and hug yourself. Yep...put down your iPhone or Android and take a moment away from the screen. You are here with me, in this moment, and you made it! Be grateful and be kinder to yourself in the days to come. Every step is a miracle, and true love is coming and it will feel heavenly.

Much love to all of my readers! <3 <3 <3

Cheers to the new year, life, and new relationships!

Please give a tip if you feel compelled! You will be helping a broke college student get a little less broke. :)