Open Letter to Those Who Struggle

Hello Friends,

This will be a somewhat personal story. I am a struggling artist — a writer. Emphasize on the struggling. Quite unlucky if I am being honest. So how do you keep moving forward when everything tries to stop you in its tracks? I wish I could say I have some magic formula, but really I am just too stubborn to quit. What have I been through? Well…

“You have cancer…” words no one ever wants to hear. Especially since I just watched my mother die from stage four cancer. Even if those words are followed by “of all the cancers, this is one of the better ones you could have.” 

Thanks. That totally helps my anxiety.

Maybe I should back up a beat. Hi, my name is Meghan, and I am basically a series of unfortunate events as an actual person. I’m not sure if it is some weird curse or maybe there are some really lucky people out there and I am just on the opposite end of the spectrum. 

My childhood was okay. We were a big family and always broke, and heard my parents joke about being cursed, but for me I didn’t care about things like that (at the time). I was athletic so always injured. Sprained my ankles more times than I could count until I finally broke my right ankle (at my senior prom no less! And no… I was not “break” dancing). 

Had a few injuries throughout college like a shoulder that occasionally and painfully would pop out of socket. A bone bruise that went from ankle to knee. Concussions — yep, a few of those too. A lump in my back that caused a lot of pain and required surgery to remove.

The real fun was the last decade. A car accident that messed up several discs in my neck and back that resulted in a migraine that lasted for three months and intense back pain that lasted over two years. 

Then, when I was feeling better from that, I fell down the stairs and dislocated every bone across the top of my right foot. It healed that way and I needed surgery (along with screws and plates) to put my foot back together. All in, thirteen months in a walking boot, four of those I wasn’t able to put any weight on my foot at all. I had to drive left footed to work, hop on one foot back to the trunk of my car to get a knee scooter, and then scoot up and down hills to work. The elevator at work broke for a month during that time… That was fun. I worked in a three story building.

And while I was limping heavily from that injury, I tore the meniscus in my left knee. Needed surgery for that.

Somewhere between the car accident and the foot, my mom got breast cancer and didn’t tell anyone or go to the doctor. Her excuse: we didn’t have the money. I lived away from home at that point, so I was only getting vague messages that mom wasn’t doing well and no one knew what was wrong with her. By the time they did force her to go to the ER, it was too late. It was two weeks between finding out she had cancer and her funeral. 

Obviously, I can only speak normally about this now, because I have years of distance, but that sort of thing is devastating for anyone. Thanks to that, I have severe health anxiety and a rule that I’m not allowed to not go to the doctor if something is wrong.

So when I started to have all sorts of other symptoms, I of course when to the doctor. Blood work came back normal. Likely answer: gas or anxiety. But I swore something was wrong. My blood pressure was elevated. I was tired all the time. Had trouble focusing. Had trouble losing weight (I know… my foot and knee probably didn’t help there). Even my cycle was a bit off… And I didn’t know if it was all in my head or not, but I swore that I was having trouble swallowing and felt swelling in my neck. Even my voice was changing, randomly turning hoarse and making me sound like a smoker. So I pushed for more tests.

An ultrasound found a nodule in my thyroid. They stuck a needle in it to do a biopsy—came back inconclusive with a low chance of cancer. My options were another test or to monitor it. My anxiety pushed for another test. Another needle (painful af btw). It came back as cancer. 

Apparently thyroid cancer is one of the “best” cancers to have. Survivable. No chemo. What no one tells you is that your thyroid affects basically everything: your heart, your metabolism, your energy, your focus, your cycle… Even digestion and things like constipation. And removing half of it to remove the cancer made all my symptoms twenty times worse. I could barely make it through my work day without laying down because I was so exhausted. Fortunately I had moved to work from home at that point and had an understanding boss. But still. It probably took a year of bloodwork every three months and thyroid medicine increases until I started to feel somewhat normal again. 

During the thyroid removal surgery, they also noticed “chronic lymphocytic thyroiditis” which if you don’t know, basically means I have an auto-immune condition. When I stress myself or my body out, my symptoms get worse. Went on an anti-inflammatory diet, which involves a lot more vegetables and cutting out things like gluten. Can I have gluten if I wanted to? Not anymore… Had it accidentally and it caused exhaustion, headaches, intense stomach cramps, bloating. Basically my body is broken and doesn’t function properly anymore.

I have good days and bad days. I’ve been having reactions to something I am eating so it’s fun trying to figure that out. Also… remember that foot surgery and knee surgery? Well I have post-traumatic arthritis in my foot and knee, as well as those screws and the plate in my foot are broken. I didn’t even know it was possible to break those screws. My foot x-ray looks like a junk drawer only without any of the fun stuff. The solution? Yep. Another surgery in my future.

Like I said… series of unfortunate events. It’s pretty laughable at this point. Part of me wants to scream at the universe “Do your worst! What more can you take from me?” But then the other part of me is afraid the universe will listen and I know it can get so much worse… So I am gonna keep my mouth shut.

So, how to keep moving forward? Honestly don’t know how I am still vertical most days. I’ve been writing for the past fifteen years, even with all that was going on. True, sometimes it was only a stolen hour here or there. I probably had months where I was too overwhelmed and didn’t touch it. Somehow I wrote and rewrote and rewrote book one until it is something I am ready to put out in the world. Wrote book two. Started book three.

Do I have a secret? Nope. I am not a life coach or motivational speaker. Like I said, I was just too stubborn to quit. Most people look at the slop of a first draft and trash it because it is too much work to fix. My stubborn ass rewrote it a million times until it somewhat resembled what it was supposed to. I am broke (let’s face it, even with “insurance” surgeries are expensive and now I have the gluten free tax) and broken and somehow still at this keyboard, because I found something I love. 

Will I ever be a best seller? God, I hope so. I would like to think this much work will not equal nothing. Is it a guarantee? Hell no. The market is flooded. AI is taking over. My genre isn’t what is trending right now. I probably chose the worst hobby I want to make a career. I definitely do not have it all figured out.

But I wanted to share my story, in case anyone else is going through what I am. You’re not alone! Is it hard? Yup! Can it get worse? Probably. Will it get better? Maybe. 

Find your support system. It helps. But otherwise, just show up for what you love, even if what you love isn’t translating into money or acclaim. Even when you feel like you’re one bad day from the world crashing down around you. Even when your body and your bank account are running on fumes. Maybe, one day the reward will be worth the struggle. 

Take care of yourself. Stay healthy and always go to the doctor if something is wrong.

So, here’s to hoping and striving! And for being too stubborn to allow the universe to completely break you! 

With much love and hope for your success,

Meghan