Once More With Feeling

I am a 51 year old peri-menopausal mom who, in the fall, is going to have an empty nest. I never thought I would even have kids, let alone be faced with the absolute dread of an empty nest. My son is my one-and-only child. The doctors told me I would never be able to get pregnant, and to my (at the time) boyfriend's surprise, Lucas is my true miracle. My husband, Bob, is the very best dad and husband, and I am blessed beyond words for my little family. I spent 16 weeks, yes 4 MONTHS on bedrest with Lucas, which felt like an eternity. And while that was a long-haul.. the next 18 years would go by faster than I could ever imagine.

I have been up and down in weight my whole life. And have never ever had a good body image. My mom was a raging exerciser. I never saw a TV show in my youth without a leg with an ankle weight like an intermittent wiper in front of it. I never followed suit, and to this day hate to exercise. I have tried MANY things; the Fitboard, a yoga mat, the Bosu, a stepper, exercise bands, an elliptical, hand weights, bar weights.. and it all ends up on Facebook Marketplace. Depending on how much space it takes up depends on how long it stays in my household before I get tired of dusting it and pass it along to the next person willing to give it a try for a while. I think no exercise equipment ever needs to be manufactured again. Us "give it a try" people can just keep passing it around for eternity.

Dieting - well, that's another story. I have told myself everything in the book. From "I need to get rid of this baby weight (um, he's SEVENTEEN!), to "It's not about the number on the scale, it's about being HEALTHY". Which is true. But that piece of cherry pie mocking me on the counter does not care about me being healthy. I really do want to lose weight. To be healthy, to feel confident, to be that 50-something other people feel envious of. I mean, I reaaaaalllllyyyyyy do want that. Why can't I do it? I see other women do it. I see even older women do it. What is the secret?

Wanting it isn't enough. And most days, trying my best doesn't seem like enough either. It's about buckling down and really, truly committing to being healthier, thinner, whatever it feels "about". I am ready. I think. Some days more than others. I started walking last summer. And I was doing GREAT! I lost weight, I could even see a change in my body! I walked 10 whole miles several times and was so very proud of myself. I live in Michigan. Winter hit, and that was that. I just can't bring myself to walk in less than 37 degrees. I don't even want to leave the house in less than 37 degrees! I do not own long johns, or a big wooly scarf. And I have no desire to spend my hard earned money on them to do be able to do something I don't even want to do. So, needless to say, I will be starting over again around March, or April, maybe even May. It's Michigan so we never know for sure WHEN it will be warmer than 37 degrees.

I guess the "new me" is just the me that never stops starting over. The me that tries every day to eat a healthy breakfast, do some form of exercise, and drink 8 glasses of water a day. To take my multivitamin and get plenty of sleep. All the things that promise to make me healthy. So many times I have said "screw it", given up and ate whatever I wanted, watched a lot of movies and put back on the 20 pounds once again. The new me will not give up. One day, one positive choice at a time. It may take 5 years to get there, but I will. The new me, in my empty nest. Maybe my son will come home for a visit from college and tell me how great I look. Even better, maybe I will be able to look in the mirror, and tell MYSELF how great I look. Now THAT would be something!!