Oh, Just to Be Me

I remember things like numbers and dreams. I am constantly doing equations that may mean nothing, or angels. Sometimes I wake up and write down the things I dreamt just moments before. I rarely forget a face, but often let feelings fade. I am someone who, I would say, believes. And I mean in just about everything. From the aesthetic of the Catholic church to Mortal Kombat being a divine tale. In myself, in aliens. Above all, I believe in myself. I believe love can change the world, and that anything is possible. I never gave up this idea; I never lost hope. Even in moments of doubt or question of faith... Hope is what always remains.

It strikes my memory like I was there to hear Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated on April 4th, 1968. It's funny, because I think the world ended that day. I was there in 2012 and I bet it felt the same. It was like something so tragic on the micro scale. April 4th, no matter what day or year or people, seems to be the day where spring begins and Death releases its very tight grip... But not before he takes a rip. It is him, it was them, it is now in our heads. April 4th inspired me to be here today. I was convinced that tragedies could forever become comedies. I have said for a whole decade that we would get our lives back and we will all laugh.

So far, I haven't got that. But I never stopped trying. That's the whole, "not giving up hope" stuff. Over the years, I had the wrong movements even if they were well-intended. I had a shocking realization on the verge of Death that it wouldn't be so bad and yet, I still hesitated to go. I held on so much stronger than I thought I could. Ever since I hit my head, it feels like I am rarely sad, or angry, or outside the bounds of nature that ravish me. I am simply me, and this version of me is finding true center. I have learned to stay so calm that other see me as comfort. I fear not being controversial, as some things are better said. I understand that with adversity, chaos must be what defeats it.

I have always been different and I had to learn to be okay with that. Eventually, I really quite liked it. I still feel weird if the things I like become well-adored because I start to think I'm doing something wrong. I've always rooted for the underdog, or stood up to the words of ignorance, and never really feared putting anyone in their place. I am no exception--I am often the person at the other end of my educational rants. I have learned so much and remembered the love I've always had. These last couple years have been dedicated to me healing my self, down to my bones, in my soul, and from the home. But now, I want to implement that into the life around me and the world I live in. I want to embrace every person as their own experience to be the human they were destined to be. I want to remind people that maybe we can see how it may not be so great to be them, and to have sympathy where we once held judgement.

Make no mistake: I am a big fan of judgement. You must be able to decipher what is right and wrong. But that doesn't mean everything is all its cracked up to be. I try to see what is beyond our sight of human eyes. It's part of "reading". Either way, I am here to challenge what people think. Maybe of me, or of each other, but also just to know what is on their minds. What do we think about all day long? Is it sometimes fucked up? I am willing to put myself out there in hopes not to be followed, but to lead others to their own paths. It is sort of what I always have done. I am willing to be uncomfortable for a moment or a breakthrough in someone else's lifeplan, with or without me. I will always challenge the norm, and question authority, and embrace my dark side.

Necromancy is considered a form of Black Magic, and Black Magic has the reputation of being scary. By no means is it for beginners, or even recommended. I think if you weren't personally called to something, you should never go looking for it. But I have gifts that I really think are meant to make the world an easier place. You wouldn't believe the things I have learned from it. I feel so much more insightful than I ever have. I was always wise, or at least a wise ass. But now I feel esoteric. I feel like I have tapped into infinity. I hear things, see things, know things, feel things. Of course, this can definitely rub people the wrong way. They think it's something to do with personal gain. Little do they know, I'm just living my dreams.

I have, ever since that day, wanted to do something big and full of the love I cherish and want to share with the world. I never felt so far away, yet I never became removed. I am always thinking and planning and working at something that still seems so out of my reach. But I live it every day. I make conscious choices, and honest efforts, into propelling myself towards these dreams of being able to help on a larger scale than I have ever had capacity for. I've got new ideas all the time, but this one never changes. I can envision everything I intended. For now, I do the best with what I got and go from there. I want to live by the principles in which I believe.

For I, too, have a dream. And these dreams have always been me, all I've ever had. I try to enact every moment of my life into being perfectly aligned with what I want going on. I hope to inspire others, and maybe even teach them. I want people to truly know they can come to me for help. I want to be accessible. Even if I am not free, I want to work with people wherever they may be. I am here to help, and help I shall. If we all have a dream, it's time to build a wishing well. I have a dream we can all be ourselves.