NO MORE PEOPLE PLEASE.....

I had always thought that being an empathetic person was some sort of superpower, that the ability to really understand people would allow me to glide through life easily .

It wasn’t until I was in my mid- twenties that I realised the hard truth that my hidden ability was in fact a curse, allowing people to be treated with the up most of care, only to be treated like shit in return .

The problem with allowing empathy to run my ethical and moral compasses all of the time is that it only led to me feeling resentful, almost always having to fight with my own conscious out of the fear of receiving “bad karma”, when I eventually grew tired of being treated like a second class citizen, and I made the mental declaration of just how shitty other people really are .

I found it soul destroying showing compassion towards others and leaving little for myself, giving emotional support and being denied any back, and feeding other people’s egos that had no interest in feeding mine .

I had this warped perception that if I treated everyone like they mattered, that they would automatically do the same in return .

The concept of “treating people how I wanted to be treated” had paved the way for work colleagues , friends, ex partners and even some family members to abuse my kind nature without any care for how it may hurt me, because they had betted on my want to please everyone all of the thine from preventing me from ever using the word “NO!”.

“Well, Isn’t that just a kick in the left tit?” I remember whispering to myself as the notion dawned on me .

Like a lighting bolt the epiphany hit me hard.....

That some, or most people in fact are nothing but soul sucking sorry excuses for human beings who will do anything to stay afloat when they were untimely drowning.

However I had always felt the same drowning feeling of impending doom growing up, but it hadn’t ever motivated me to step on other people just to feel better about my own existence .

I suppose that certain trauma’s in my own life wired me differently, and motivated my need to connect with others on a deeper level, almost as reassurance that I wasn’t alone .

I often look back at my declining mental health as a young adult, where I was constantly living with anxiety, and I just want to give myself a big hug, the younger me did not know that it wasn’t just the weight of her own problems weighing her down, but also the many issues that others around her were creating .

Whenever I was feeling low or unable to be of any use to these people, they simply weren’t interested in me, often leaving me to overcome obstacles alone, and I had lost count of the times I had cried myself to sleep, surrounded by people but without a friend in the world .

I was the buffer friend, the person who rubbed your shoulders between each round, and dabbed your forehead whilst telling you that “you’re still pretty” ....

It’s as simple as that, my role had become almost as over looked and unappreciated as the house keeper in a hotel or worse then that, as insignificant as the timer that enables the street lights to come on each night, you don’t appreciate them when there are there, but you sure as Hell notice their absence when you’re forced to walk home alone in the dead of the of the night, at 3 O’clock in the morning .

You see, I didn’t know how to command respect without sounding like a big baby, or demand it without looking like a petulant teenager, and the more I was treated like my feelings didn’t matter, the more toxic my behaviour became, because eventually I started to believe in the static narrative around me that, I simply did not matter .

So I did what most twenty something year olds do when they feel absolutely worthless, I partied hard, drank my own weight in alcohol, did drugs and totally submerged myself in darkness and numbness .

I stopped investing in my own future, I had given up at trying to get my peers to treat me as an equal, and although I still maintained my position in my social circles as the runt of the litter, I soon quietly started to just nod along, while secretly hating them inside .

My resentment had now taken on a new from, morphing into the trait that I now know as passive aggression .

I became obnoxious me, arrogant me, idgaf me, and although during this time I may of burnt a lot of bridges that needed burning down, I honestly think it was the beginning of a cosmic purge of some kind, because slowly but surly I began to wake up .

I remember as I sat on my bathroom floor one evening, after another night of being completely toxic and self destructive, and in my new found arrogance I became so angry at the way I was being treated, that I refused to let them win !

I didn’t want them to see me fall, I knew that they didn’t care about me, so why tf was I allowing myself to go out like this ?

In that moment I started my own movement .....

I had noticed that at my worst I was exactly where they all wanted me to be, which was available .

I realised that as long as I continued to hurt myself, stay stagnant and refuse to grow, that I would never be free of feeling like the world wouldn’t miss me if I killed myself, and unless I was truly willing to just end it all right there, I would forever remain in the torturous limbo that is depression, self loathing, anxiety, and fear of rejection .

I didn’t want to die, but I did want to be happy ....

So I asked myself “what did I really have to lose if I started to believe in a different narrative ?”

“What was the worst thing that could happen to me if I decided to get up, wipe my tears from my eyes and tell myself that I matter ?”

So that is exactly what i did .

I stood up .

I looked at myself in the mirror and I told the one person that I could always rely on who she really is ...

“I am Beautiful, I am worthy, and I am loved”

Because it is true !

I am a beautiful person....

I am definitely worthy of respect...

I am loved beyond belief by people who have never expected anything from me in return ....

I just couldn’t see or hear them because they weren’t the ones demanding all of my attention all of the time .

Me being an empathetic person wasn’t the problem, but me not being brave enough to put myself first and set boundaries for others definitely was .

Life has a funny way of teaching us life lessons that we never see coming, because in my mission to keep up with appearances and always support other people, I had also learned how to fundamentally support myself, and I started to implement all of the skills of being a supportive, compassionate and empathetic friend, lover or person to myself .

I started to nurture my own hopes and dreams, I dug deeper into my emotional well-being, and I began to deal with my own insecurities ......

Instead of doing what I had always done in the past, like playing councillor to untold individuals while neglecting my own needs, out of the hope that one day the gesture would be reciprocated .

I also started to notice a shift in the air, I had noticed that when I was down and desperate for acceptance, people didn’t find me so offensive, but now that I had a new sense of self worth about me, people almost found it insulting .

I was known as the cheerleader to their narcissistic lives, not the quarterback in my own field and now that I was establishing myself as a person in my own right, they really didn’t like it .

It definitely hurt my feelings to know that the people who I had only ever wanted the best for didn’t feel the same way about me, but you live and you learn that although we can always care about people, we can’t allow ourselves to be collateral damage just because others don’t possess the same power to feel good about themselves on their own merit, it wasn’t my fault that I didn’t need to belittle others in order to feel good about myself.....

That’s just not who I am .

I also refused to enable these people, and I refused to let their shitty treatment of me change who I was,

I felt myself turning into a hateful person instead of a healthy one just because of the way I was allowing myself to be treated, I had to retreat into the comfort of who I truly was in order to find my inner peace, I’m not a naturally nasty person, yes like everyone else I have done bad things, and I definitely have the ability to be mean, but my mistakes do not define me and they certainly won’t stop me from always trying to be the best version of myself .

I do have a natural want to make love and not war, and I knew that the best way for me to keep hold of my kind nature was to cancel the bullshit .

So I stepped away, not with a huge testimony, there wasn’t any need for drama, I just simply became unavailable to anything that did not serve me positively or to anyone without good intentions....

I stayed in, I made a new playlist to match my new outlook on life, I read books that I had always wanted to read but had never made the time to do so, I joined the gym, I went for slow strolls in the park, and I took myself to eat out at fancy restaurants (alone ) .

I basically became my very own best friend, and eventually I had no desire to be around anyone who had ever made me feel shit about who I am .

I didn’t care .

Yup, just like that I simply didn’t give a shit about who liked me or who didn’t, and the more time I spent alone, just understanding myself, the more my anxiety almost disappeared, isn’t that strange ?

Deep down we all know who we are and if loving yourself makes you a bad person, a selfish friend, or “different” then so be it, because I don’t believe that anyone should ever have to justify being kind to themselves .

No one has ever heard my cries for help, and that’s ok, I’ve accepted the fact that my happiness is my responsibility, and me practicing compassion towards myself as a necessity, is me taking ownership of that fact .

You see, empathy doesn’t make you a target for mistreatment, but enabling others to mistreat you by refusing to set boundaries does .

Caring doesn’t make you weak, but putting yourself through unwarranted and undeserving self harm does .

YOU being YOU isn’t an excuse for anyone to treat you like dog shit, unless YOU truly believe it, and unfortunately other people will never tell their emotional crutches to stop being doormats and to go pursue their own lives .

You only have one shot and it saddens me to think that there are beautiful people out there being held back in life by people who are probably just intimidated by their greatness ....

YOU are BEAUTIFUL, YOU are WORTHY, and YOU are LOVED .

It is as simple as that, and the only person that can ever truly define your worth is YOU !