natural woman wild. authentic and free. I inspire me.

Natural Woman Wild or Higher Self is always flowing around and through, whispering from above, below and inside.

She has whispered in the calm and sometimes shouted in the din of chaos -- always whispering from above, below and inside. Finally, I heard her whispers. They have become a part of me. I have made the connection to my sacred Natural Woman Wild or Higher Self.

Excitedly, I write this essay to connect with other women from a place unseen. This place is called YOU. Of course, there is the physical you. There is also a place called YOU that cannot be touched with a slap or a caress. That place is inside you -- your Higher Self. Your Natural Woman Wild -- Authentic and Free -- in your own boundaries.

"Natural Woman Wild" does not denote anything other than a woman with high self-respect, self-appreciation and authenticity to be who she is called to be within her own self-constructed boundaries. Boundaries create the freedom.

Am I truly free to choose myself as my own inspiration? There are so many women whom I admire. Alice Walker; my mother; Frida Kahlo; my niece; Georgia O'Keeffe; my sister; Maya Angelou; the bag lady; Oprah Winfrey; the woman who marched in the MLK parade with her children; Pam Iorio, the CEO of Big Brothers Big Sisters; Anne Brigman; Mary Shelley; the woman who works at the deli; Kate Bolick; the woman with MS who came to yoga class for the first time; Dolly Parton; Brene' Brown; my best friend; Helen Keller; and the courageous "vulnerables" like Judy Garland and other young artists in Hollywood who were fed drugs like chattel to control them.....

"I am my own sacred Natural Woman Wild. Authentic and Free." This is the mantra I whisper when meditating. It was inspired by a card I received. The card read: "You're invited to shine brightly and to know that your true self is being called out to engage the world."

So, I thought about it. Shall I choose the woman who inspires me the most who is me? While all the women I mentioned are wonderful shining women who create awe for me, I am the one who walks in my shoes. I am the one who has picked myself up. I am the one who has made the decision to carry on. So, yes! I can choose myself! After all, it's true! I am free to choose me. I inspire me!

The recurring "I" is not written from a place of ego. It is written from a place unseen. The place where I have "fought the hardest battle to be nobody but myself" as e.e. cummings wrote.

Understand, the "I" is very necessary. The "I" stands rooted and tall like a direct tower to Source. The "I" stands on Mother Earth while acting as the antenna to the Cosmos.

May my "I" become your "You."

I am the one who survived the trauma and anxiety of alcoholism in my family.

These two poems reflect the pity and then the gratitude of my childhood experience. I wrote the first poem shortly after my childhood home was burned to the ground because it was condemned. I wrote the second poem after internal growth.

Egypt Pike Ashes

Egypt Pike ashes where no phoenix rises

carbon black

like decayed relationships

Egypt Pike ashes where no good

comes

came or went

carbon black

like my non-existent past

carbon black

like rotten fruit once sweet

black

like the cast iron void in

my heart

her heart

her heart

Black

like my last name

I am elated that my pain became gratitude with this revision:

Egypt Pike Ashes

Egypt Pike ashes where 3 birds rise

from carbon black

each one like a phoenix

soaring above the past

Egypt Pike ashes where new growth

emerges from

carbon black

like tree saplings reaching up

toward the sun after a forest fire

in carbon black

the mixture of flesh and bone

fertilizing the rich soil

for a new beginning

from carbon black

like diamonds

trapped in coal

Black

like my last name.

I am the one who survived the horrible decisions I've made that hurt the ones I love.

I am the one who faked my way through young adult life pretending that I knew how to fit in.

I am the one who decided to stop drinking alcohol.

I remember deciding to refer to my "rehab" adventure as "going back to 'The Temple of My Familiar'." Alice Walker wrote THE TEMPLE OF MY FAMILIAR. She is one of my favorite poets.

I made the choice to run to Myself. Going to "rehab" sounded tired and overused. I wanted to make my choice to "dry out" the most beautiful experience I could. So, I drove out to an old crumbling church on an old country road. I had been taking pictures of this structure in the seasons as a creative endeavor.

I was listening to the faint whispers of my Natural Wild Woman from inside. My unnatural, caged little girl was listening and could feel the pull to go back to the "Temple of My Familiar." "The Temple of my Familiar" is the beautiful unencumbered edifice where my true self lives -- where my Natural Woman Wild lives.

Time to mention Alice Walker. She wrote: "See yourself in every eye you fear to look into. You live there and die also. Stop running." Her words make me shiver with inspiration. I was getting ready to look into my own eyes -- the eyes I'd been so fearful in which to look. I had somehow reached a place of courage! That courage felt unfamiliar yet familiar, like a lost world I had forgotten but knew so well. I had stopped running away from my true familiar in the temple of "I".

The decision to embark on the most soul-searching, Wild Woman-finding adventure in Colorado was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I returned to the "Temple of My Familiar" where my Natural Woman, Wild- with-Life thrives.

I am the one who started paying attention and acting upon my dreams.

I am the one who wrote and self-published a sweet little modern-day myth written to encourage others to "draw yourself out of yourself."

I am the one who has been giving umbrellas away to strangers walking in the rain and sweating in the hot sun.

Just recently, it was raining as I was driving around in my car, Kiwi Sun, to get out of the house. Quarantined with my parents was making me stir crazy. I saw a man walking in the rain. I instinctively reached for my extra umbrella to give to him. I pulled over safely. (Very few were out and about due to the state-mandated orders to stay home in the most unprecedented time in history -- the Covid19 / Coronavirus pandemic.) I rolled down my window as I smiled at the young man. Then it hit me. He ran toward me. Then it hit him.

Before this unprecedented time in world history, it seemed I had to force a stranger to accept an umbrella to shelter themselves from the rain (because they thought I was crazy). Today, this wet but smiling stranger wanted to accept my gift of protection. Like I said. It hit us. I said, "Here's an umbrella to keep you dry. I don't think I'm sick." As I said it, I retreated in uncertainty while he stopped in his tracks. He said, "I'm fine. Thanks anyway." I said, "okay." I drove off looking at him from my rear view mirror. He was unprotected in the rain , but pumping was his happy heart. We made a connection with our hearts. Our hearts were beating with an enthusiasm for kindness in a time of fear. Could it be that we, as a society, are returning to the "Temple of Our Familiar?"

I am the one who chooses to be single.

I knew from a very young age I was meant to be single. However, I hid my intuition as a young woman. Searching for marriage left me broken. I let society tell me there was something wrong with me. Still, in my 50's, choosing to be single is recondite.

After reading SPINSTER: MAKING A LIFE OF ONE'S OWN by Kate Bolick, I came to the realization that many women share my sentiments. The following quote articulates my zest for being single:

"Being single is like being an artist...Just as the artist arranges her life around her creativity, sacrificing comforts and even social acceptance, sleeping and eating to her own rhythms, so that her talent thrives above all else, nurtured the way a child might be...so a single person...deciphers what makes her happiest and most fulfilled." -- Kate Bolick

I am the one who has chosen forgiveness of others and, most importantly, myself.

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." -- Mark Twain.

Through these words, I connect with all women. Remember, your Natural Woman Wild or Higher Self is always whispering from above, below and inside you.