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My Greatest Fear

And How I Am Conquering It

By Molly MacPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Death is not my greatest fear, but it has consumed my thoughts for as long as I can remember. I have no real reason to think about it to such an extent; none of my immediate family has passed away (only extended) and I am only eighteen years old. Maybe I watch too many gory movies and television shows... Maybe I'm paranoid on top of it, which does make sense—I'm quick to jump to conclusions about my health whenever something hurts or I learn of a new disease.

Despite my content life and good health (as far as I know), I constantly ponder death—when I will die, how I will die, if there is a life afterward. Maybe it does frighten me in a sense due to the uncertainty of it all.

But no, my greatest fear is wasting my time. I'm sure many others feel the same; it's common to fear waking up one day on your deathbed, regretting the life you lived (or failed to live). But I'm actually terrified of it.

I'm quite young, and because of it, I don't have entirely thorough concepts of the world and of being an adult, even with the current heavy topics weighing our shoulders with anxiety and opening our eyes to the balance of humans' savagery and compassion. I've only just finished my first semester at college, after all, and have loads to learn. But because of my youth and inevitable naïvety, I have wild dreams: dreams of earning enough money on my mediocre intelligence and skills to travel the world, possibly live in Europe, experience as much as I can, and write books until I die a peaceful death.

Most of all, I'm desperate to get out of Nevada. I grew up by the ocean, moved to the mountains, and dragged my feet to the desert for college... and I absolutely hate the desert. But the education is cheap, and that's what is important. Nonetheless, I feel a bit stuck, and it's rather depressing.

I'm afraid that somehow, something will change and I will remain stuck — whether it be in Nevada, or in a boring job, or so on. I'm afraid that I will forget my passions and goals that I have right now, and have had since I was young. I'm afraid that when I'm close to death—whenever that may be, but I pray that it won't be soo —I will regret not dropping out of college and moving to Europe to live off only what can fit in a backpack and what I didn't spend on the plane ticket.

I'm terrified of changing my mind, or of growing up to realize that my dreams must be put on hold in order for me to have a cheap education, make money, and please my family.

I typically think it's foolish to dwell on this. I know I'm only eighteen, and that even if I remain in the desert to finish college, I (hopefully) have all the time in the world to leave it. But sometimes I get in depressive ruts where I think I'm wasting my time by staying in Nevada, and then I can't think of anything else, even though I know I'm wasting my time by dwelling on it.

But with the coming of the new year, I'm trying my best to convince myself that I can use my greatest fear as motivation. I will get through college in whatever way—maybe I'll study abroad, or take out some loans to go to a better university—and I'll try to make money while I do so, and then I'll escape to Europe and hopefully continue publishing novels. If I didn't have this sort of motivation then, on a day like today, I probably wouldn't be able to get out of bed.

My thoughts are still plagued by what-ifs, and I have no idea what the future has in store for me, but as long as I stay true to my greatest wishes then the life ahead shouldn't be all that bad, should it?

And besides, no matter what life I live, I am thinking about it. I'm feeling, and contemplating, and experiencing. Because of that, I can't waste my life, not really. None of us can—as long as we feel, and contemplate, and experience, and breathe air into our lungs, we can never waste our life.

My greatest fear doesn't exist, for I am alive.

healing
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About the Creator

Molly Mac

21 | literature & film student | instagram: @m.mac82

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