My Disappearing Act

Has your heart ever been so heavy and broken? Have you been through so much that you just become so drained and lost? That you are searching for your identity. I am going through that now. I decided to be like a magician and do a disappearing act and delete all social media platforms. Become a ghost per se. As a writer that is something hard to do; when my doctor laid me off work and writing is my life now, other than my son. I am healing from so much that I have to disappear to find me.

My 2019 was rough and led me to this present day with multiple rapes by the same person. I was harassed by the landlord who kept breaking into my place to create a situation to be alone with me. Then to have a police officer look me dead in the eye and say, "Move, I can't protect you." This was after two weeks of just moving in and just filing an EPO for the rapes. I was also in a custody battle, which is a complete nightmare when the other parent wants to use the child as a weapon against you. I lucked into another place but further from work and I was relying on my family for transportation and that became costly. Issues arose because of transportation, gas, and travel. I had to take a job closer to home with only fifteen hours and could barely cover my rent and utilities.

It wasn't long after they let me go stating overstaffed and got my old job back. My third day back I had a massive seizure and almost died. I was in and out of hospitals consistently. Admitted and discharged. My doctor put me off work and no longer could drive. All this took place right after the constant harassment and EPO complaints that we went to court for. As well the custody battle. I had been single eight months and decided to participate in my first fling with an old ex who claimed he was single. The fling messed with my head and heart because he just had a new baby and was patching things up with his ex after our fling ended. Sometime after, a guy who I had worked with for a long time cared so much about me wanted to see if we could make a relationship work. It was really hard to dive into this after being with my son's father for nine years and then participating in the fling.

I felt I was ready and he is a great guy. All the hospital trips he was by my bedside. I've spoken about all of this in my other writings so let's come to the present day. I thought I knew what I wanted in 2019 and I didn't. I was so confused. I had this fling messing with my head and heart and everyone warned me and I didn't listen because we had a history. I ruined a great relationship and devastated a man who was always there for me, my family and my son. His actions always outshined everything and it was too late for me to see that. He moved on and I finally opened up about the things I kept hidden because I couldn't express any of it. I felt rushed, I felt confused and I couldn't close chapters and focus on him. I wanted happiness and remained in the fog. He was staring at me the whole time but I needed his glasses to see.

My fling promised me a life of happiness with him and knocked his ex up again after he said he was done with her. I thought I was done with him. I was crushed to realize how I screwed up something great that I had. I was crushed to realize everyone was right and I was a fool. I told my good guy that I couldn't do it anymore because I was so lost to what I wanted and what I was feeling. Someone took an interest in me and I took a liking to him. We talked about meeting up. The good guy I called it off with was full of anger, jealousy, and hate. He was done wrong and it was by me. I thought I was going to meet this guy but it was all words and nothing could happen. Crushed again. My good guy had been patient through all of my messes and screw-ups and I realized when he moved on how bad it really felt. How bad all of it felt. How I truly felt toward him.

To be raped, to be at death's door, to be away from my son, in and out of court, constant hospitals, no work, no driving, pretty lies, empty promises and yet he was there. I lost him but he forgave me and his woman is lucky to have him.

I have had thirsty men, obsessed men, men to stalk me, to threaten my life, married men wanting me to cheat on their wife and it all became too much. I demanded respect. I got tired of being treated like a piece of meat or just a pretty face. I got tired of my social media platforms blowing up demanding my time. People judging me for what they didn't know. Being named called and loss of friendships. I had to pull a trick out of the bag and the best one I had was to disappear. I have to find myself. I have to gain peace and clarity. All of this hurts and how everyone moves on but me. How I remain without my son and the constant fights with his dad because he refuses to be civil. There comes a time in everyone's life that they will get their heart broke or go through troubling waters. The important thing is to decide how to handle that. We have options. I haven't carried myself in the best way with many of these situations but I can admit my wrongs and rectify them. I am an imperfect human being who is growing and learning. There are times I wish I knew all of what would transpire now, to save myself all the heartache and having to disappear but maybe this will be my best trick and lesson. We have to fall in order to see things better.

To read more of these other stories that led me to disappear click the links.