My biggest fear is..

I am not a fearless woman. Let me be clear, I have always been scared to express myself for fear of my thoughts being thought of as irrelevant, or unimportant. I fear that if people know that this is my weakness they will use it to attack me. I have always tried to express myself in such a way that people will understand but have fallen short in some way or another. I truly want people to listen and understand me. I will be in a room and feel completely invisible. People will talk over me and disregard what I have to say as unnecessary or trivial. My fear is that I will be invisible.

How do we walk through such insecurities? How do we escape from that which is not reality? Our minds are a funny thing. We can either talk ourselves INTO something or easily talk ourselves OUT of something. Can I really control my fear of feeling forgotten or seen as irrelevant?

There is an ugly truth and reality that you will truly not matter to some people and that is their loss. They will not see you even when you scream and holler. They will ignore you and put you on "mute". Sometimes that is MY reality. I realize I can't "buy" anyone's love. I can not make them see my value or worth. That is not arrogance. Sometimes it doesn't matter how hard you try with someone. You've got to let them go and find the people who will make you feel like you matter. If you give and you give you will come up empty-handed every single time.

Is this fear something you struggle with? How do you manage your thoughts? Do you have the following play on repeat throughout the day?

1. I don't matter.

2. Nobody cares.

3. What's the point? They won't notice anyway.

4. Why don't they like me?

5. What can I do to make them like me?

6. Maybe I can change so they can like me.

7. Maybe if I was taller, skinnier, prettier, talkative, talented, etc than they'd like me.

8. It's because I'm stupid.

9. I'm just unimportant.

10. I messed this up. They hate me.

These 10 things are consistent in my head. Sometimes I can't shake them off. They are a plague, blasting my brain with so much nonsense that I can't fight them off. What thoughts can we replace with the above nonsense/ noise?

1. I am valid.

2. I have important things to say.

3. I am smart and capable.

4. It is not my duty to make people like me.

5. I am trustworthy.

6. I have talents that are unique and valid.

7. I am not invisible.

8. I am human and I do make mistakes and that is okay.

9. I have friends that love and support me and want me to succeed.

10. Criticism is a stepping stone to improving oneself.

I am slowly facing my fears because doing one thing that scares me every day is the only way I can move forward. Writing this blog makes me feel vulnerable. It reveals an insecure piece of myself that I want to stay hidden. I don't want people to know that what they think of me matters.

One day I want to wake up and never think of those 10 negative thoughts. I want to feel free to express myself and feel heard and seen. I want people to take me seriously.

If it matters say it. Write it. Sing it, Express it. Trust yourself.

Think about your fear as a person and write how you're battling that fear in another blog. I hope to see your thoughts on this very important topic.

Until next time-

Stay beautiful.

-Jade Kelly-