My Authentic Words

I fell to my knees in tears as I realized that I was no longer living in a way that felt aligned with who I knew myself to be. Tears streaming over my cheeks and screams were pushed into my pillow as the feeling of loss and frustration came over me. Once calm, I take a breath filling my lungs back up with life force to catch myself from the flooding of emotion. I use all my limbs and strength to make it to my feet. I then make my way over to the mirror hung in my bedroom. Looking myself in the eye, I ask, "what do you want?" the response came so quickly to my lips as I spoke it into the universe. "To write," I responded. "To share all that I have learned and use myself in a way that feels creative and unique." At that moment of pure honesty with myself, I knew that there was work to be done. Things that had to change included a seemingly unreasonable decline of a job position that I had been offered the day before. Coming soon after was a layoff from the job I was already working. Time was no longer an obstacle as the universe showed me the way – making space to find myself. Trust was all I had at this point. Trust in me and trust in all that was happening since my declaration of wanting to write.

The following day, I woke up, knowing that I had to dedicate myself to what it was that I told myself I wanted. I walk to the kitchen to prepare myself a steaming earl gray tea with milk, and slowly approach my desk. As I sit, I take a deep inhale – one that was filled with surrender but also fragments of lingering anxiety. I let it out forcefully as I relaxed into my body. My legs crossed and laptop open – I begin. I write words of all the emotion that had been pent up. Letting it go with little resistance as if I had been working out a muscle that had always been strong but was just needing attention. Words flowed through as I felt a trance come over me. Unknowing of the words that were even coming through me. I just kept going until I no longer had anything to say.

Once my fingers were no longer tapping across the keys, I scrolled back. I smiled at the conversation that I had just had with myself. Seeing my words come to life through speech instead of intrusive thoughts. I was relieved and deeply filled with gratitude. I may not have known what would happen that morning, but I knew this wouldn't be the last time that I would commit myself to my needs and desires.

I saved the document that had just encased all my emotions and all my deepest fears. I closed the laptop with acknowledgment of my craft before getting brought back to the reality of my position. That I had no job, that right now all I had was time to share, this time was being presented as a gift. Every day after, I wrote. Writing about spirituality and experiences beyond what we may be able to control or see fully. I wrote about writing and the healing that occurs by putting our thoughts and feelings into art for others to feel. For the first time in a long time, I felt heard. I felt as if all I was keeping inside no longer had to be stuck but let free. I was no longer alone in my discoveries and was set free from the restraints I had placed upon myself. I come back to this day knowing that it was the day that changed my life. I woke up day after day following that moment with a new perspective of myself and what I could create. When I am writing is when I am authentically me. When I get to turn burning passions, overwhelming thoughts, and buried love into visible and energetically words. That is when I am the most authentic version of who I am now and who I will forever evolve to be.