Motive-ational

I have a motive here. It is simply to make you feel your absolute best when you are finished reading this. I hope that by my words your entire perspective on yourself and the life that is going on around you has changed drastically for the better. You see, I know all too well what it's like to just feel like you're not going to make it. I know what it feels like to put all your effort into the day, working, taking care of the kids, grocery shopping, and fitting in time for the husband or wife after making supper. Finally you crash into bed exhausted only to have the stresses of what tomorrow will bring haunt your dreams at night.

I lived that life. I also know what it's like to find yourself in the depths of despair, drowning your sorrows and sadness in a bottle or two. I can tell you stories on stories about waiting for the next fight to break out and the next fix to numb the pain of it. I can relate to anyone that has felt shame in the face of their loved ones because they can feel the judgement in their gaze during family holiday dinners. I know all too well what it's like to have the other mothers and fathers look down on you at the pick up line after school. When you're so full of self hatred that it's astonishing to you that you're able to even shower and comb your hair, let alone put on makeup.

But you do it because there is someone inside of you that you just haven't had the pleasure of meeting. Yet. But I have seen this inside man. I have fought this battle, and I won. And let me tell you a secret: You can, and will, win. You are so much more than you let yourself believe in. You are a divine soul. You carry within you the very essence of what this universe is made out of.

To be honest with you, if somebody would have told me two years ago that I would be healthy, stress free, full of self love, and able to live in the moment without numbing my pain, I probably would have laughed in their face. If they would have told me I would be able to take responsibility for the way my life had turned out, I never would have accepted it. But when it comes to your peace and joy, this is no laughing matter, and you must accept it. Far too many of us forget that we are here to enjoy every second of the life we live. We forget to the extent that we enjoy nothing and some of us resort to burying our emotions and numbing ourselves with substances like drugs, food, alcohol, and sex. We want so badly to connect with someone, anyone, that we forget the vital connection we should always care for first. The connection with ourselves.

We don't even feel like it's an option. We spend our early lives hoping for validation from our parents and other adults we had in our life. And in a lot of cases, were scarred by these very people who we needed the love and protection from. But what if as adults, we decided to break the habit of seeking out our self worth from outside sources like other people, places and things, and instead fought for an inner peace and love for our person that creates in us an emotionally healthy human being. One that can love the self as well as anyone they choose to have in their life.

I found that many of the things I believed to be true about the world only caused me to feel negatively about myself. I felt as if I was never going to be good enough for god because by his standards I was born a sinner. Who can compete with that? I surely didn't ask to be born into this world and from the gate I was taught that I was bad. Now don't get me wrong, the people that teach us these things are only doing what they were taught and they mostly do it out of love. And I'm not even saying it is wrong. Because every lesson is something we will use in this life. But what if we learn to dislike ourselves then, so we can truly learn to love ourselves now?

My world fell apart. I was married with a couple of great kids one day. And the next, I was a strung out, drug addicted alcoholic with a tendency to blame all my problems on everyone but myself. I lost everything. I ended up homeless. I dated abusive men. I became an abusive person myself. I hated myself more and more because I knew I had failed. Yet I couldn't seem to understand that I was worth so much more than I had ever let myself have.

I lived someone else's dreams. I am not saying I didn't want the family life, but I am speaking up on the fact that most of us never live the dreams we had as children. We instead opt for the more appropriate life goals our parents had in mind for us and perhaps lived themselves. We forget about the ideas we had as kids, the answer to the, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" question.

We put those on the top shelf in the way, way back of our minds to collect dust and be forgotten. We get married out of high school and have kids and so on and so forth. We maybe go to church on Sundays. We have a few friends. And its the American Dream. Right?

But was it your dream? Is that what you dreamt of when you were eight years old? 12 years old? 16 years old? If you say "no," welcome to the club. The club of living in the past. The club of wishing things could be different. The club of not knowing why you feel broken when your friends all say you got everything you could ask for.

I want you to know that you're not different. Everybody feels this way. They just don't know how to say it. But what if we were honest? Maybe there would be less marital arguments. Maybe you could start taking those art classes? Maybe your kids would feel like more of a joy to have if you loved yourself as much as you love them? And we pray for those things. We pray for the patience to get through the daily grind at work. We pray for the energy to make it to baseball practice. We pray to be humble when our boss asks for a favor. We pray, we pray, and we pray until we decide no one is listening.

But there is someone listening. We just never hear the response because even as we are praying for answers, we are too busy to hear them when they come. Call it God, the universe, or your Higher Self, there is someone listening. And until you can slow down your mind long enough, you can't get the answers to help you find out who you truly are. You are surely not this unhappy, miserable person that's just going through the motions. Try to think of a time when you were a child and you just felt the moment. When you would run through the sprinklers or laugh hysterically at the cat. When other peoples opinions meant nothing to you. When you lived life because that's what you loved to do. When life happened for you and not to you.

It is possible to get back to that. I am living proof that with a little bit of surrender, one can accomplish peace. Of course it takes action on your part. Decide what in your life is worth it. Get back to the basics of what you love. Start spending a half hour in your day to meditate on what it is that makes you want to live this life. If prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening. If I can convince one person in the world to learn to go within themselves for the answers they are always seeking outside of themselves, I will have accomplished something great. This one act will change the world. Your world. And we both live in this world together. So changing it for you surely changes it for me.

H. Heathen 05/2018